


Criminal

by AspenTree0228



Category: The 100
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Completed, Drama & Romance, Drug Use, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, F/F, Gun Violence, I know I tagged Major Character Death but the bad guy was kind of a major character?, Minor Character Death, Organized Crime, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Violence, don't worry???, eventual slight smut, so actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-14 07:36:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 72,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4556214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AspenTree0228/pseuds/AspenTree0228
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She used to know her, a kind, quiet girl sitting a few rows behind her in Spanish class.<br/>Clarke never would have thought, the next time she saw Lexa, was under these dangerous and complicated circumstances. There is too much at stake, but how could she control her mind if she couldn't control her heart? </p><p>This might as well be a desperately twisted romance between two people who were never supposed meet each other again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Daughter of a criminal

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Criminal](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/136164) by robyntibetter (me). 



> This is actually an old work of mine. But I'm willing to try this plot and dynamic for Clexa, so I'm just gonna put this out there.  
> The storyline is done, but re-editing is in progress. I would most likely post one or two chapters per day, depending on the reviews. 
> 
> I don't own anything I'm just a helpless nerd.

“Pts, pts, Clarke,” A redhead whispered to her seat mate during a review session, and pointed discreetly to a girl several seats away from theirs, “look that freak is staring at ya again.”

Clarke didn’t have to turn her head to know what her friend was talking about. “That’s very rude of you, Charlotte.”

“Me? Whoa whoa whoa, I’m not the one stalking you and creeping people out around.” The other girl scowled at her friend and glanced back at the staring girl again. “Now she’s just freaky, ok? Who does that? I mean… we get that she has the hots for you and all, but seriously!” 

“She’s not a bad person. She’s just… shy, I think.” 

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Everybody knows what her dad—” Charlotte continued but was cut off by the blonde. 

“It’s none of your business, Char!” Clarke gave her friend a glare. “Can we get back to the questions now?”

“Ok I’ll pretend you did not just defend _her_. For all you know she could be a sociopath.” Charlotte puffed, biting the end of her pencil and glanced at the girl with those indecipherable emerald green eyes couple of rows behind them one last time. 

The owner of those spearmint Bambi eyes finally redirected her attention back to her book, not without a heavy sigh. _“I…really like you—no, I'm in love with you, Clarke.”_ She mouthed the sentence to herself silently and then made a decision. _“I’m gonna tell you. There’s nothing to lose, I’m gonna tell you.”_

 

If there was any girl that didn’t have a single friend in this school, it would be Lexa, who didn’t even have a last name to go around because it reminded people of a horrid past. It was not like that in the beginning of her moving here. She moved to this town with her mother and started her 9th grade. For a short moment, she was making friends, or at least knowing someone that she considered friends at the time. But like what happened before, rumors spread out the campus and there again, she was alienated by the rest of the students. 

Never had she done a single thing wrong, she got good grades, she could run tracks, and she was a good-mannered, soft-spoken teenage girl, but nobody wanted to go near her. After a long time of being alone, she stopped caring, and began to shut herself down. 

That changed when she met this incredibly bright and smart girl in Spanish class. Lexa would smile like she rarely did at the memory of their first encounter. 

 

_She was just walking to the class with bulky books and dictionaries in her hands, running slightly late. A slim, blonde girl was rushing from the other side of the hallway and nearly crashed into her. She dropped her books and tripped herself over them._

_“Oh my god I’m so sorry! Are you ok?” The girl asked, hurriedly squatting down to pick up her books. “I’m sorry, I just transferred here. The classrooms are driving me crazy.” She had an embarrassed smile, and her face slightly reddened because of the rushing._

_It was a sight that completely took Lexa's breath away. With strange clumsiness, she climbed up and took over her books, and awkwardly asked. “Wha—what class do you… are you nee—trying to find?” Suddenly she couldn’t even speak English._

_It made the girl chuckle, a pale moonlight glimmer shined in those sky blue eyes. “Spanish, third semester.”_

_“Oh it’s where I’m going… It’s uh… here.” Lexa pointed at the room not too far away._

_“Oh thank god! At least I won’t be late for every class today.” The girl laughed her light-hearted laugh, as if nothing could discourage her. “Thank you for helping me find it! I’m Clarke Griffin by the way.” She reached her hand out._

_Just as Lexa wanted to take the lithe, pale hand in hers with a bit eagerness, they were interrupted by someone._

_“Princess! You got Spanish too? You gotta sit next to me!” Charlotte grabbed Clarke’s hand before the handshake could happen and immediately guided her into the room._

_Clarke tried to resist and resume her conversation with this clumsy but very cute girl, she heard Charlotte whisper to her, “you don’t wanna be seen with her, princess.”_

_“But—” as she attempted to protest and ask Charlotte why, she was already pushed into the classroom and the bell rang._

_Lexastood there, with her hand hanging in the air, feeling her heart nearly ripped apart. Then she dropped her hand hopelessly, and murmured to herself, “I’m… Lexa.”_

 

The smile disappeared as her thought came to the end of it. She always wondered what if the redhead wasn’t there to interrupt them that day, what if she got a chance to really talk to Clarke and get to know her. Maybe… just maybe she could have eventually found a friend. 

Or maybe they weren’t meant to be friends at all. They couldn’t be friends because ever since that very first interaction, Lexa had fallen for the blonde, hard and fast. And the feeling even grew stronger whenever Clarke looked at her with those stunning azure eyes, gave her a little smile, or an attempt at saying hello, though all of which would get interfered by another. Yet that didn’t even bother her because Clarke never avoided her, never on purpose. In fact, sometimes she liked to think that the girl wanted to be around her. 

Then again, the heavy thought struck her. She didn’t know how much the other students had told Clarke about her, and she couldn’t rally the strength to defend herself because most of it was true, but she always wanted to believe that Clarke didn’t see her as everybody else did. Clarke saw her more than what people said she was. And it gave her the hope that got her through all the lonely times and hardship in school. 

 

Clarke walked out of the classroom, feeling the heat of a particular line of sight as she went, and knowing exactly who that was. She had been so scared when Charlotte told her about what Lexa's father did, and she tried to remain distant. People around her all warned her that this girl came from something bad, something so coldblooded and evil that nothing could save her, a girl doomed to a path nobody dared to speak of.

“Look at her eyes, frozen like she’s never seen sunlight. She’s so cold and merciless. I bet you’d find dead animals in her backyard.”

“If only she has a backyard.”

“Haha true!” 

“But seriously, don’t go poke the bear, you’ll probably end up dead.”

Some of the rumors went on like that. 

However, after several times bumping into each other, Clarke saw someone different. Lexa would give her that shy and adorable smile with those attentive, soft, big doe eyes, and Clarke had come to like the girl. She wanted to befriend her, she wanted to hang out with her, on some confusing occasions, she even wondered how would it be like to kiss her. 

But she never brought herself to do any of that. She wasn’t brave enough for all the pointing and whispering. A relationship with a girl, with Lexa, was something their homophobic tiny little town wouldn’t tolerate. Her family would never accept it, and she needed them to help pay for college. Selfish, she knew she was, but it was something that she could not help. After all, she was only a high school girl. 

Ignoring the intense staring, she quickly made her way through the crowded hallway to the parking lot, some guys calling her to hang out with them. She was not in the mood after the brief discussion with Charlotte so she turned them down. 

“Griffin?” The familiar, yet strange voice appeared behind the blonde as she went to her car. “I… wanted to tell you something.” 

She rarely heard the brunette speak, just the times their Spanish teacher asked her to read the text. Lexaspoke wonderful Spanish and her voice was always gentle, not very emotion-revealing, but soft like wind caressing the spring leaves. It somehow disrupted the tranquility inside her, leaves falling into the lake causing a hundred small ripples. “Hi, Lexa…” 

The lake green eyes searched deeply into the blue pools. Lexa seemed to be struggling a little. 

“What do you want to tell me?” Clarke could see the battling thoughts through the brunette’s eyes. God she loved those glittering jade green orbs, they were so real, so sincere. 

Under the mild encouragement, Lexa closed her eyes for a second, reopened them, and parted her lips. “I… like you, Gri—Clarke. Will you go out with me…?” Her voice soft like a breeze, the sentence disappeared in the short distance between them as if it was never spoken, however, it completely stirred the quiet and peace in Clarke’s heart. 

“Oh my god you FREAK!!!” Suddenly a shriek startled both of the girls. Charlotte and some other girls were approaching fast to Clarke as if they had to save her from the most horrific catastrophe she’d ever experience. They quickly arrived at Clarke’s side and pulled her away from Lexa. 

It made the brunette take a step back. 

The terrified look on Lexa's face broke her heart. Clarke tried to struggle out from her friend’s “protective” arm. “Charlotte!”

“Princess! What are you doing? She’s dangerous! Her dad murdered all those people, don’t you remember? Eight! Eight people died because of her!” 

Never had someone said that in her face, Lexa instantly turned pale. Not entirely because it was cruel, but because she was embarrassed, criticized and humiliated in front of the girl she loved. 

“Enough!” Clarke couldn’t bear the deeply hurt look on the brunette’s face. She shoved at Charlotte’s hand and walked up to Lexa. “Lexa… I’m sorry.” 

Charlotte and the other girls gasped at this apology. 

The brunette looked down to the ground. Her mind spinning a thousand miles and she felt her whole self was being exposed to all the ridicule, all the teasing, all the accusation and punishment for nothing. And now… now Clarke pitied her, like some kind of stray animal found in a dumpster on the side of the street. She knew what that apology meant, she knew. They were never meant to be, not even friends. 

She felt pain all over, physical pain, her heart shattered into a billion pieces, into ashes that left no chance to glue it back, her dignity lost, her last hope…

And when Lexa picked her eyes up again, Clarke saw something terrifying, it froze her in her track and scared her to death. It was a stare cold and bottomless. 

She had never seen someone’s eyes like that, blackish green with absolutely no light, as if their soul had vanished. With desperation, she wanted to fix it, and at the same time she wanted to run away. “I’m really sorry, Lexa… I can’t… you’re…”

“The daughter of a criminal. I know.” The sentence that came out of those lips, pursed to a thin line, conveyed no emotion, like the stare. Lexa gave the blonde one last glance and walked away, leaving a group of astonished girls trying to “console” Clarke, poor, poor princess. 

_“I can’t… because…”_ Clarke didn’t even have an excuse for herself. She was a coward, maybe that’s what she was. She watched the tall girl walk away. There was nothing she could do. 

“Come on sweetie, let’s get you home.” 

“No! No, Charlotte. I’ll… drive myself.” Clarke sat into her car and snapped close the door. She wanted to catch up with the brunette and do whatever it might take to make things right. But as she rushed out of the crowded parking lot, she didn’t know where to go. She didn’t know anything about Lexa , where she lived, where she went after school. She lost her… 

 

Walking, faster and faster until she was running, Lexa could hear the brutality of this town in the howling wind. She took a swift turn and hid behind a dumpster, startling two copulating stray cats. It looked like even stray cats were better off than she. Fuck this, fuck the cats, fuck everything. She let all the tears made up of grievance and hurt run freely down her cheeks. A river of bitterness and hatred formed. She wiped it away with some force. She wanted it to stop, she wanted to be strong, she told herself it was just a girl, just high school, but the tears just couldn’t stop. She lost track of how long she had been there crying until she spent her last drop of tear. Judging by the sky, it was late so she ran towards the trailer park, where she had been living in for the past three years. 

Back home, a middle-aged woman was busy preparing meal and humming to herself. She heard her daughter coming back so she put on a warm smile to greet her, only to greet the sad girl with red nose and puffed eyes. “Oh no, Alexandria, what’s wrong baby?” She put down the spatula and came to take her little girl into a hug. 

Lexashrunk out of the hug and hung her head down. “Mom, I want us to move.” 

“But sweetheart, we just got here. You have to give it time…”

“Mom! I’ve been here three years. It just keeps getting worse. I can’t take it mom… There’s no one, NO ONE!” And just as she thought there were no tears left, they erupted again. “What’s wrong with me mom? Why do I have to be punished by something dad did? Why does it got to be me?” Lexalost her stance and fell to her knees. 

The woman slowly knelt down beside her and wrapped her arms around her daughter. “I’m sorry baby. I’m sorry you have to go through all this.” Of course she knew Lexawas having a rough time, in fact, her daughter had been having a rough time ever since her husband was imprisoned and sentenced to a death row. A mother always knew. 

“Can we please move…?”

“Yes baby. We’ll move tomorrow.” 

 

Clarke felt sick to her stomach as she drove pass her house and her neighborhood. She pulled over at the dirt road and threw up, feeling her insides burning. She dialed a number afterwords. “Hello? O? I think… I think I did something wrong.”

_“Clarke? What is it, hon?”_

Octavia was her best friend back in her old town, and she always gave the blonde good advice, always can console her and help her deal with difficulties. Clarke needed her best friend. She told her everything. “I just… I panicked and I think we really hurt her.”

_“She sounds like a good person. Is she? A good person?”_

“I don’t know, O. I really don't know now. I thought she was such a sweetheart but you should see the look in her eyes today, it was so… I was scared. I mean…is that how other people see her all this time? Was I only seeing what I wanted to see?” 

_“Is it true about her father and everything they’ve been telling you?”_

“She said it herself, that she’s a criminal’s daughter.” Clarke took a deep breath in and out. “I’m really worried about her. But I just… I couldn’t.” 

_“Princess, you can’t blame yourself for this, ok? You have your reasons. People talk and they judge. It’s not like you can just let her in your life, especially when your dad is a police officer himself. You’re in a difficult position and you did what you knew was best. I mean… this is not on you. She wanted something more than friends and you aren’t up for it. It’s not your fault.”_

But whatever Octavia told her, it didn’t make her feel any better. She sighed heavily and kept silent for a while. 

_“Oh my god Clarke!”_ Suddenly Octavia raised her voice on the other side of the phone. _“You like her! You fell for her, didn’t you?”_

“O—” She clenched at her phone, and peeped around. She had this irrational fear that people would hear her friend somehow. It was something she was unwilling to risk. “I didn’t fall for her! I’m not…”

_“Gay, Clarke, say the word.”_ Octavia had to roll her eyes at her friend. _“Jesus I can’t believe you interrogated Monroe for so long when she came out to us while you’re a big ole lesbo yourself!”_

“Octavia! I am not!” ****Clarke was really upset by now.

_“Oh would you just relax?”_

“I can’t when you’re saying all this stuff and…”  ****Biting her own lower lip, the blonde struggled. Octavia’s attempt at cheering her up was futile. She hung up a bit after and felt the dread in the pit of her stomach that something was going seriously wrong…

And it did. Lexavanished, from their school, from the town, from her life. 

Kids went on picking another poor soul as the victim of their cruelty, people went on discussing other unfortunate events. But the image of a lonely brunette girl permanently lodged in Clarke’s memory. 

 

 

 

 

11 Years Later…

Lieutenant Jaha of the Intelligent Department was flipping through the personnel files and Sergeant Kane was by his side.

“I really think Officer Griffin is the perfect candidate for this mission, Lieutenant.” 

“She is a rookie, Marcus! She just joined the force a year ago.” Thelonious Jaha shook his head in conviction. “No, I can’t let a baby take on this one. I need someone with experience.”

“But look at her background, Lieutenant, she has a degree in nursing practice and went to med school for 3 years.” It explained why the woman was still a rookie when she could have made it to a detective at this age. “We need someone with medical training. Wallace is hiring a new caretaker for his wife.” 

“And you think she can handle this?”

“Her father—”

“I know who her father was, god rest his soul.” The lieutenant rested his chin on his large palm and sighed. “Do you suppose she has some kind of instinct for this sorta thing?”

“She did graduate at the top of her class from the academy.” 

“Ok, page her in. I need to personally talk her through this.” Jaha tapped the cleft on his chin and decided to give it the best shot. 

 

Officer Clarke Griffin walked out of the lieutenant’s room with a stunned expression. She had never thought that they would send her go undercover in her second year here. Apparently it was her nursing practitioner skill that stood out from the rest of the department. She…was about to take on THE most renowned drug cartel in Chicago, led by the cocaine king Cage “Civet” Wallace. They already had an undercover detective in the cartel, Dax, a young but seasoned police, under the alias “Eric”. But the superintendent was worried that he got into some trouble within the cartel and was not making progress on the intelligence. 

This new mission made her legs shake, yet at the same time it made her hopeful. She never really knew what she wanted in life in earlier years. It took her almost all her youth to figure out that her true purpose was becoming a law enforcer. Her father died in a gun fight with a local drug dealer some years ago and the tragedy triggered something inside her. So she quit medicine and applied to the academy. Now it was her moment. 

 

In her car, she reviewed the file the lieutenant gave her. Cage "Civet" Wallace, son of the “President” Dante Wallace, the long-lived leader of the biggest Irish drug cartel, was a slick and resourceful man, his people literally die for him in numerous occasions to keep him safe. He was an untouchable man. His wife, Lorelei Tsing, was an addict and suffered from chronicle diseases that needed around-the-clock attention. And within the core group, most of the members’ information were very detailed, but there was one person that nobody had anything on, no record, no capture. Someone nicknamed “the Commander”. The lieutenant told her that she should especially pay attention to this “Commender” person. There was no indication about his position in the cartel. Jaha presumed that it was either the “Commander” was just an overly intimidating code name for a low-rank bouncer, or he was a top-notch criminal as Cage's right-hand man. Clarke suspected the later to be true. 

_“Report to this address tomorrow for your duty, and assignments will be delivered to the drug store. Follow the instruction, Clarke Griffin, don’t do anything stupid.”_

Jaha gave her the address, the fake identity and everything she needed to get in there. But how to find information of use, and how to help the department destroy this cartel while keeping herself alive, that was her responsibility now. Clarke took a deep breath in and out, and another one, and another one until she could finally calm down. There was a feeling, that this mission would be the most important one in her life. Whether or not she may have a life after this…now entirely depended on herself. 

 

With all the nerves in her stomach fluttering like crazy, the newbie undercover stepped out of her second-hand car that was registered under her fake name, and she straightened her “professional” outfit. As she rang the door bell for the third time outside a giant luxurious mansion, some guy with a pair of suspiciously oversized sunglasses opened up for her. Having a trained eye, she could tell he had his hand on the concealed weapon back in his suit. 

“You the nurse?” The man had an crass Irish accent. 

She nodded, acting like she didn’t know what she was walking into. 

He looked around before letting her in. And as she slide in through the small crack he opened, he captured her slender arm with some menace force. He sniffed her hair, an act she found unbelievably repulsive, and whispered into her ears, his breath so hideous that she nearly vomited. “Your pretty little thing. I got me eyes on you.” 

Just as she shuddered and tried to struggle out of his grip, a firm voice appeared from inside the yard. “Let her go, Emerson.” 

And just like that, the hand left her quickly. “Sorry sir.” The man named Emerson apologized. 

Clarke realized who the one was speaking. It must be the man in charge, Cage Wallace. And soon enough, the man strolled down from where he was sitting, and confirmed her speculation. “Hello, Ms. Callie Dean, I’m Cage Wallace. Don’t mind the guys, they’re barbarians.” He let out a throaty laugh. 

The blonde finally got a good glance at the famous “Civet” close in person. He was in a grey suit, the color similar to the salt and pepper on both sides of his temples, a good-looking middle aged man, great looking, actually, clean and decent. She would absolutely mistake him as a successful entrepreneur if she didn’t know better. 

“I believe you are here to take care of my wife. Her room is on the second floor. Please, since Ms. Dean will be living with us for a while, let my people show you around the place.” ****He gently put a hand on Clarke’s lower back and guided her through the garden.

While being led to the main building, the blonde got a chance to observe this place. As if she was in a movie set, the sight was breathtaking. Everything had a sense of luxurious taste to it. The mansion was bright and spacious, the garden had many miniature fountains, sculptures, pools and numerous exotic flowers grown, the small shrubs and woods around the fence went on for hundreds of yards. The only thing that could interrupt the peaceful scene in this haven would be the fact that it was built upon hundreds and thousands kilograms of cocaine. 

Cage, the drug lord “Civet”, was literally inches from her and it made her sick to her stomach. He had an easy smile and a set of kind eyes, or at least he seemed to have. Clarke knew how brutal he could become in motion and she needed to be careful. 

“Civet” let her into the main living room on the first floor. There were six men scattered around the place, and most of them Clarke had known their name and nickname from the file. They were only a quarter to one third of the inner group Civet had. And as she looked around, she saw a friendly face, Dax, or here he was called Eric, sat in the corner, seemed to be a bit surprised to find her there. 

Cage smoothed his fingers over his chin and looked around for someone. When he didn’t find that person, he frowned a little and asked. “Where is Commander?” 

“With Lorelei, sir, helping her bathe. It’s been quite a while.”

Clarke widened her eyes hearing this. “Commander”, the person she had no information on, was bathing the drug lord’s wife? 

Cage nodded, seemed to be content about it. “Ok, well Ms. Dean will take the job from now on. Can’t just let Commander do the all the scut, I need my best man on deck for our next deal.” Then the Civet looked among the men. “Maybe just after Commander familiarizes Ms. Dean with the situation. Can’t trust you animals to it.”

The rest of the guys all laughed in agreement. 

“Commander? Come down meet our new nurse!” Cage called, his masculine voice echoed in the entire building and quickly some stumping approached them. 

An agile figure entered the living room. “I’m coming geez!” 

It was a woman’s voice. 

“Oh there she is!” Cage said, sounded very pleased. 

So "Commander" was a woman? It definitely intrigued the blonde. Well now it made much more sense for this “Commander” to be bathing Lorelei. She tried to get a good look at the mysterious woman while Cage temporarily blocked her sight as he turned to greet the approaching person. 

“Now Commander, meet Ms. Callie Dean.” ****He stepped out of the way.

And that was when Clarke collided into the abyss of those strangely familiar, dim, bottomless, frozen, jade green eyes. 

Lexa!?

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for reading! 

Hit me up on [Tumblr](http://asiangal-needs-a-pal.tumblr.com/) :)

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So are you interested? 
> 
> Tell me what you think, tell me random stuff. 
> 
> Green onions make me sick.


	2. Why change your name?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said Finn was the other undercover, scratch that, I've changed my mind. It's Dax (the kid who tried to kill Bellamy) who went undercover before Clarke.  
> I don't like Finn, but not enough to hate him coz I have some pretty nasty plot reserved for this role. 
> 
> I don't own anything.

 

The woman, “Commander”, looked right into Clarke’s eyes and didn’t even flinch. This person, looked exactly like Lexa but everybody called her Commander, just stood there and stared at her. 

Clarke knew the Civet and the other guys were observing them, she heard Dax clearing his throat uncomfortably, and she understood the risk here. She couldn’t blow her cover this quickly, she had to play along. “Hi, I’m Callie Dean, nice to meet you.” 

“Commander” nodded, and diverted her attention to Cage. “Boss?” 

Cage put his hand on Clarke’s back and pushed her a little toward the taller woman. “She’ll bring you up to Lorelei’s room and give you her medical history.” He noticed how stressed and rigid Clarke felt, and chuckled. “Don’t worry, Commander can be a bit cold but she’ll warm up to you.” And he patted the brunette woman on her shoulder. “Keep an eye on this one.” 

“You got it.” The woman nodded and started to walk away. 

“Go on now.” Cage nudged the blonde toward the taller brunette. 

 

As she led the way to the third floor, “Commander” felt the blonde woman staring at her, probably with a million questions as well. She herself had couple of questions and she also wondered if this girl was, in fact, the one from her old high school. But how could she be wrong? She shook away the ridiculous thought. How could she not recognize the girl she fell madly in love with and then broke her into unrepairable pieces? How could she not know the pale moonlight glimmer in the azure eyes? How could she not notice the surprised and confused look on Clarke’s face when they were introduced again. 

Yet…why did she change her name? Why would a healthcare personnel change her name. There was a few possibilities and she already guessed the worst case scenario. But no, she couldn’t risk it. After all, this woman, walking behind her in the most dangerous place in Chicago, was her first love… was still the woman that haunted her in deepest slumbers and cause the tightening pain in her chest every night. She took in a deep breath and tried to remain calm. 

Yes, she was Lexa Woods, the poor high school girl that nobody wanted to hang out with. But no more! She had become an independent, strong woman, and she didn’t need another person to feel bad for her, another soul to compensate her damaged one. She had become Commander, and she wouldn’t have known any Clarke Griffin or “Callie Dean” before. This, charade or whatever game the blonde was playing, would continue as long as she remain indifferent. 

But…what about Cage? Would he find out? Would he hurt her…? 

 

Clarke walked behind the dark haired woman. Lexa had grown into a stunningly beautiful woman, tall, confident, elegant, someone absolutely different from the clumsy girl she used to know…well she thought she used to know. She felt herself drawn to the image before her as they walked. She had this unbelievable urge to hug her from behind, to feel her, to do something she never got the chance to do. Despite all these feelings, she felt herself mad, so mad at Lexa that she was in this situation. What was she doing here? Why would she become one of them? And most importantly, didn’t she remember her?

As her contemplations got grimmer and heavier with each step, the brunette suddenly stopped at a room, making her nearly bump into her. 

“Commander!” A woman shrieked, joy evident in her voice. 

Lexa's shoulders visibly slumped a little. She stepped inside and motioned the blonde to follow. “Lorelei, honey, this is Ms. uh… Callie Dean. Ms. Dean is your new caretaker ok?”

Lorelei barely acknowledged Clarke’s presence. All her attention was on the brunette, and she was clearly swooning in her own adoration and admiration for this woman. 

The brunette helped Lorelei readjust her pillow and picked up the chart at the nightstand. “This is Lorelei. She is on medication for Hep C and she has developed bacterial myocarditis, which, was caused by her exposure to chlamydia. And because of this little incident, Cage lost one of the most hardworking guy under him.” Then she gave a glare at the feeble woman. By “lost”, she actually meant Civet took the man out, and she hoped Clarke would understand the meaning behind her words. “And what have we learned from that, Lorelei?” 

“Not to screw with Cage’s boys…” Lorelei, apparently high on something or delusional, giggled and touched Lexa's hand affectionately. “But I bet girls aren’t a problem…hmmm Commander?” 

“Lorelei, we’ve talked about this.” The brunette sighed deeply and gently took her hand away. “Now let Ms. Dean take care of you ok?” She stepped aside for the blonde to give the antibiotic shot. In a split second, she was just inches away from Clarke. In fact she felt her own body, intentionally or not, brush gently against the woman, and react in a way that she hadn’t felt in years. A yearning, an urging, an impulse. 

Lorelei, though not very clear in her head, looked between the two woman and quickly picked up some strange, primitive vibe. She was not happy with this discovery or this arrangement. So she decided to do what she did best all these years, pretending. She tucked her arm underneath her head and refused to look at them. “Commander…you don’t like me anymore because I’m sick? What kind of people do that?” There were some small sniffles and sobbing in her voice. 

“Lorelei…” Just as the brunette wanted to explain or console this sick woman, someone called her. 

“What’s taking so long?” 

“Coming!” Lexa gave the blonde a glance and retrieved from the bedside. She rounded back again and whispered into Clarke’s ear because she didn't want Lorelei to hear what she was about to say. But as soon as she felt the warmth of the other woman, her breath caught in her throat, leaving little air for a sentence to form. “Sedate her…if necessary.” And she fled scene, not because there was an urgent matter downstairs that couldn’t proceed without her, but because she didn’t know if her resolution was strong enough. 

 

Once the brunette had left the room, Lorelei shot up from bed and gripped Clarke’s arm so tightly that her nails dug into the blonde’s flesh. With a certain level of menace that Clarke didn’t understand, she snared. “Listen you little bitch, the Commander is mine! She is mine. Don’t you dare steal her away from me!” 

Clarke was hurting. She tried to get away from the delusional woman but the nails was threatening to tear her arm. “What are you talking about Lorelei? How am I gonna steal your Commander away? I barely know her.” 

“Bullshit!” Lorelei was enraged. She barked. “I saw that look! She wants you, bitch. The way she looks at you, huh.” She let out a cold snicker and picked up a needle, waving in the air. “See if she still wants you without this pretty little face.” 

“Lorelei!” Clarke caught her arm. It was definitely not easy to get a hold on a person that temporarily lost her mind. With quite a struggle, she scrambled for the sedation and quickly pushed a unit into Lorelei’s exposed, writhed vein. During the process, she noticed the needle points and bruises on the thin arm. And she understood that cocaine had the effect of neuron damage, which explained the emotional outburst and delusions. 

Sooner than she expected, the sedation worked and the woman went limp in her bed. Exhausted, she slumped onto the sofa beside her, holding her head, she knew just taking care of Lorelei would be a handful, let alone trying to gather information in this godawful place. 

While she watched Lorelei sleep, she contemplated what to do next, but their conversation, crazy it seemed, suddenly popped up in her head. 

_“Don’t you dare steal her away from me!”_

_“I saw that look! She wants you. The way she looks at you.”_

Would this crazy woman be right about it? She almost felt Lexa against her body just then and it was something so exciting, it shook her to the core. 

But here she was, on a mission to bring justice and get these people locked up behind bars. That meant Lexa would be one of them as well. A suffocating dread rose in her chest, and she felt herself dying a little on the inside. How did she get into this mess in the first place? Why did she even agree to undercover? And what should she do? Was there even another option…? 

 

Cage was gathering his people for a meeting. On the outside he ran a delivery company that controlled most of the trucking for restaurant supplies served thousands of restaurants in the central area. There were hundreds of cars running on the road, boats floating on the water, and planes flying above for him everyday and it made it perfectly convenient to transport other things. He had lately gobbled a Mexican cartel and was spreading his tentacles to Southern American markets. There in the living room, he was arranging the trucking for the next season and assigning people to jobs. Clarke hid in the kitchen, making something for Lorelei to eat and listening in on their conversation. 

However, they spoke in codes. Nobody was talking about cocaine or anything remotely related. Now that was the hard part, to crack all the codes. Cage most often assigned one person to certain routes thus not two people in the room knew exactly where the other would be making the deal. Dax certainly was only another expendable mule that knew one or two of the routes. It was actually pretty brilliant, this Civet, smart, resourceful, meticulous and very, very seasoned. 

The blonde observed “Commander” from a distance, while the brunette observed everyone else in the room. Her posture was neither eminent nor humble. She just sat there, completely confident and calm and easy at where she was. With her emotionless and careful eyes, she was probably assessing the situation at all time. Clarke got why Civet regarded her so highly. Lexa was just like Civet himself, very meticulous and smart. And this obvious meticulousness convinced her that Lexa must have recognized her but there were other things holding the woman back from confronting and exposing her. Which, she didn’t know if she should be thankful for. However, right now, she had to straighten her story so that when the time arrived, she could be prepared. 

 

When Lorelei eventually came to, it was already afternoon. Clarke was by her side to serve lunch. However, once the woman regained her strength, she started yelling again. “Commander?! I want the Commander! Where is my Commander?!” 

Clarke wanted to give her another unit of sedative medication but the dose already exceeded the prescription. She tried to calm the woman down by gently talking to her. “The Commander is busy, Lorelei… Your husband assigned her jobs to do.”

“No! You get Commander for me! I don’t want you I want her!” Lorelei started howling like a wounded dog for her beloved Commander. The entire property would have heard her. She was getting Clarke really nervous. She couldn’t screw up this job on her first day. 

Quickly, the calm brunette came up to the room, followed by Cage himself. As soon as Lexa saw the blonde’s helpless expression, she felt her heart ache and her protective instinct, kept dormant for years, all of an instant kick in. 

“I… I tried to calm her down but she…” 

Cage rubbed his temples and nodded. He understood how difficult his wife could be. Even though he was angry and jealous at the Commander, he needed her to deal with his wife because she seemed to be the only one capable of doing so with dignity. And he had no reason to blame her for any of this because he knew nothing happened between them. The Commander was an honest and proud woman, adultery was considered degrading for whom. That was the reason he trusted her so much. 

Lexa looked over to him and got a nodding permission. She came near the hysterical woman, spoke to her softly and sat on the bed beside her. “Shhh, it’s alright. It’s ok, honey.”

“Commander…” Lorelei grabbed onto her sleeve like a drowning person. 

“Yeah, yeah that’s me. Your Commander is here. Shhh…” Lexa didn’t try to get away this time. She let the woman cling onto her and nudge into the crook of her neck. Looking to her boss, she felt deeply sorry. Lorelei wasn't like this. She used to love Cage with all her heart. But then the addiction got in their way. She screwed herself up and started screwing around. At first Cage could sympathize and understand, but his patience was wearing thin. For Lorelei, he already had two men dumped in Lake Michigan, and was ready to take out as many as it would cost. It was when she stepped in and temporarily preoccupied the crazed woman. 

Seeing Lexa so gentle with Lorelei, hugging her close to her chest, patting her back and cooing in her ear, Clarke suddenly felt a twitch in the stomach, a twitch so intense and hurtful that she had to look away. She watched Cage, and saw the sorrow in his unnaturally light colored eyes. The sorrow was familiar to her, she could relate to this sorrow. She didn’t know when, and why, but she actually felt something for these people. And it struck her hard at the moment…they were all human too, not just coldblooded murderers, but human beings with flesh and blood and broken hearts. What they were doing…was inexcusable. But at the same time, her heart hurt for them, all of them including herself. 

Observant as always, Lexa saw the mood change in those azure eyes. Her heart pounded, in her chest and in her ears. The last time it pounded like this… oh she remembered, the last time, it got shredded into star dust. 

Lorelei had a smug smirk on while resting against her “Commander”. She knew she was pathetic, holding onto a woman that didn’t love her back. But she just wanted her and she always got what she wanted. Now there was another woman that she could see Commander wanted, so she hated this Ms. Callie Dean for that. 

 

Well into the night, Clarke retired to her room, and paced around the place. This day had been harsh, exhausting and cruel for her. Until the mission was accomplished, there would be more days like this, more sleepless nights and heavy thoughts. Suddenly someone knocked on her door and she jumped. Cautiously opening a crack, she saw Dax standing outside, peeping around. She quickly let him in. 

“Clarke!” He let out a small yelp. 

“Shhh!” 

“What—what are you doing here?” Dax was obviously very nervous, though Clarke didn’t know where that nervousness came from but she could see he was uncomfortable with her being here. 

“Lieu—Jaha sent me. He thinks you need some backup here to make more progress.” 

He widened his eyes, in anger and confusion, again, Clarke had no idea where that all came from. “I didn’t ask for backup! I didn’t ask for anything. I’m handling it just fine! Go back, go report to Jaha that I’m fine here, TOMORROW.”

Clarke looked at him, having a hard time digesting this. What was going on? Dax was hiding something. And it pushed at her most stubborn nerves that she wanted to find out what exactly he was hiding. “No, I won’t report back just because you didn’t ask. I do not take orders from you, Dax, and you don’t get to talk to me like that.” She tried to minimize her voice so nobody would hear her. 

His eyes turned red and he huffed and puffed in her room. She stood still, holding her place and watching him fume. In about two minutes, he saw that she was not going to back off. So he took off, smashing the door on his way out. 

Clarke sighed. This was just great. Now Dax was angry and not cooperative. She had no idea what she was dealing with now, and she sure had no one else here to help her figure it out. 

Just as she settled down, pulled out her computer and determined to document everything she had witnessed throughout the day, the knocking came back. She quickly closed the device and ran to the door. Pulling up with some kind of angry force, she barked at the person outside. “What!?” 

There stood Lexa, with her cold eyes, calm expression. 

They just stared at each other for ten seconds, without any words or movement, because both parties were in some kind of shock, Clarke was more obvious about it and Lexa was trying to hide it. 

Then the brunette gave her an incredulous squint. “Having an argument with your boyfriend?” She saw “Eric” coming out from Clarke’s room earlier, and thought it was outrageous that Clarke was already hooking up with some guy. But then she retired to her room, blew off the explosive steam, replayed it in her head and found it suspicious instead. The man seemed pissed off and why would he seem pissed off at someone he never met before… Unless they knew each other, or they even had a plan that they were both here for some reason. She again put together all the evidence she’d gathered, reassessed the whole event and she had a theory. 

“What? I don’t have a boyf—”

“Then what was that? With Eric.” Lexa stepped into the room even if she was not invited to do so. The theory she had was raging in her mind and threatening to tear her apart. She needed to confront the blonde for it was messing up her balance and she didn’t like that. 

“I… don’t know what you’re talking about.” Clarke watched with caution as the brunette strolled in her room, and sat on the sofa, crossed her legs and just stared at her with her famous emotionless stare. 

It made the brunette scoff. She smiled a cold smile with one side of her lips tipped into a cruel curve. “Oh don’t pretend with me, Clarke Griffin. You know exactly what is happening, don’t you.” 

This blunt recognition nearly knocked her dead. Clarke didn’t understand. Why this? Why now?

Lexa squinted again, and tilted her head for a second as if she was thinking. “Hmm, you know Lorelei’s condition is caused by cocaine overdose. Yes, you’re smart and you know someone’s shooting drugs when you see them. But you didn’t flinch a bit when you saw her arm.” Lexa tapped at her chin and continued, with a monotonic tone that was scarily intelligent and logical. “That is because you already knew what you just walked into.”

“I didn’t flinch because I’ve seen patients—”

“Why change your name?” Quickly, Lexa found another point to break through. 

“My mom remarried a guy named Archer Dean.” Clarke was quick to recite her forged identification.

“But your first name certainly wasn’t Callie.” 

“It’s my childhood nickname. All my friends call me that. You didn’t know me that well.” She secretly crossed her fingers hoping it would make sense. Callie… there was a reason she chose a name close to her real one. 

“You are a liar, Clarke Griffin.” Lexa pointed a finger at her nose. “I know bullshit when I smell it. And please, I knew your name.” 

“And you lost yours.” Clarke tried to diverge the topic from herself and target at the brunette even when she knew it was an uphill battle. 

Another scoff came out of the perfectly shaped, but rigid lips. “Oh I bet you have some ideas.” 

“No, I don’t.” The blonde insisted, trying to build her own case under the intense attack from Lexa. 

“We, are in a business.” So the brunette decided to humor her. She rested her elbow on the armrest and leaned her chin on her palm, an act strangely elegant and attractive in this given situation.“And it’s a business you know all too well, don’t you. Nobody uses their real name, honey. I, for instance, lost mine years ago. But you, I don’t get it, why do you need to change your name? You’re a nurse…unless you’re not.” 

“I _am_ a nurse.” 

“Then what were you discussing with Eric not too long ago? He didn’t seem very happy.” Lexa switched a position and crossed her legs again, not at all uncomfortable with this conversation. 

“I don’t even know him.” 

“There, bullshit. You’re not very good at this.” Lexa sighed and shook her head. “I have a theory. You’re Eric’s backup, aren’t you.”

Hearing this, Clarke’s heart almost stopped beating and she instantly turned pale. It was something she physically couldn’t control. 

“I knew it.” Lexa seemed content about her own ability to interrogate. “He’s thinking about running away, isn’t he? I noticed he’s been trying to get on more deals lately, heck he did three, solo, this month, and you’re here to help him transfer the money… but get this, you’re robbing the wrong person.” 

“Wait what?” Clarke did not anticipate this turn of event. She was completely surprised by the conclusion Lexa just drew. It all seemed logic, but it was wrong. And she even laughed a little at the ridiculousness of this perfectly solid plan that Lexa came up all by herself. Wow, that was…really? 

The blonde’s reaction was something Lexa didn’t foresee. She frowned and quickly went through every step of her theory again and everything checked out. But if they were not planning on running with the money, what were they talking about? “Then why don’t you tell me what was that about?” 

“Ok, Eric likes me. He came on too strong so I shut him down.” 

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.” 

Suddenly a relieved expression appeared on the stunning face. Lexa couldn’t express how relieved she was. Yet still, there was no explanation for the name changing. And upon that thought, her face dimmed again. She had to think it through, very very carefully and thoroughly before she came to another conclusion. 

Clarke was observing her. One minute her face lit up and it was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen, and then another minute she was frowning again. It gave her an urge to smooth her finger on the tightly twisted brows, and make all the concerns go away. Lexa already had small vertical lines in between her brows, for worrying too much. She was too young, too beautiful to be having those lines. _“Whoa whoa what am I thinking? She just interrogated me and accused me for being a criminal! And she is a criminal herself! What am I doing? How could I think of her that way? What’s happening to me?”_ Clarke widened her eyes as the thoughts again popped in her head. She was so preoccupied in that struggle that she didn’t see the brunette stand up and leave. 

Lexa couldn’t figure out what the blonde musing about. And she was too exhausted to do any more thinking today. So she decided to leave. Walking the several feet of distance between themselves, she stood next to Clarke, and parted her lips. “I’m keeping my eyes on you.” It was a sentence spoken like a breeze on the waters, not a threat, not a warning, but more like a promise. 

All of a sudden, Clarke again forgot what she was struggling about and nearly lost her stance. At that moment, she wanted to hold Lexa, she wanted to be held by Lexa. 

But then, a moment later, the brunette discreetly slid out of her room, and gently closed the door. 

Clarke walked to the sofa, and fell into the luxury it provided. It still had the brunette’s warmth and she snuggled into it, pretending it was a strong embrace. All the while she replayed their conversation, again and again. She analyzed every single gesture, every single word from the brunette, not because she had to, but because she _had to_. She was compulsive, obsessed. And the theory Lexa presented, it made her chuckle. Such a silly theory. Lexa was intelligent, and very observant, but she was wrong, hilariously wrong. 

But wait a second… If there was no logical errors in the deduction, what was the link that led her to a wrong conclusion. Clarke suddenly shot up from the couch. 

Lexa said… Dax was taking up a lot more deals than the usual. Three solos this month. But why… why would he be sealing deals off the record? 

 

The next day, Clarke went to the drug store, and saw detective Kane behind the counter dressed as a pharmacist. She came up to him for the assignment. 

“Thursday two of the representatives from an Iowa Chinese mob came into town. It’s highly possible they’re going to be discussing some business with Civet. These are the pictures.” Marcus discreetly handed the blonde a medicine instruction with couple of photos wrapped in it. Clarke took a long look and memorized their faces. 

“Sir, I have some concerns, regarding Dax.” She hesitantly asked. 

Marcus looked around them and pretended to weigh out some pills for the blonde. “Yes?”

“Has he been reporting about the deals he made this month?” 

“No, he said Civet was laying low for a while.” Marcus looked at the blonde closely. “Why what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know, sir, but I will find out.” Clarke took the bottle of pills. “Oh, and sir, could you help me search someone?”

“Ok what’s the name?”

“Lexa, I don’t know her last name, but her father was Issac Woods.” 

Marcus shook a little, not recognizing the name and waiting for an explanation. 

“Her father allegedly murdered eight people, it was quite a scandal back in the town I lived. She went to my high school.” Clarke considered her words carefully. “She is…involved. Could be a liability.” 

“Clarke, if there’s an issue regarding your safety, you withdraw from the operation immedi—”

“It’s not an issue, sir.” _“Not now, not that I have so many problems to solve.”_ Clarke grabbed the pill bottle and walked out of the drug store. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've changed the undercover from Finn to Dax. I changed my mind oops. 
> 
> Tell me what you think, what's on your mind, tell me random stuff.
> 
> When I first learned English in kindergarten, it left me an irrational fear for eating peaches, coz "peach" has a pronunciation dangerously close to a word that means "fart" in my native tongue, and I thought it'd leave a bad taste in my mouth.


	3. It is a game, a dangerous one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cage started a game. Clarke was forced in on it, and she didn't know how to end.

Lorelei’s condition fluctuated. Some days were bad, others particularly good. And this night was a good night for her. She sat in the garden, watching the bluish flares from the pool and listened quietly to Cage making small talks with the guys. There had been days since she was lucid like right then, and she could sense that her husband was not very pleased, having been ignoring her all night, probably because of her behavior earlier this week. 

Clarke sat beside her, also was observing the group of dealers and bouncers making jokes and having a relaxing moment. Lexa was her usual self, sitting there, contemplating, frowning a bit, but overall seemed just calm. The blonde was dying to know what was on her mind. But she could feel a particular line of sight on her, constantly tonight. As she glanced toward it, she found Cage looking at her with his glittering pale eyes. Upon their eye contact, he smiled gently and rocked his wine glass slightly toward her. 

Lorelei stood up, insisting on going back. But she refused to let Clarke take her, instead, she asked for the Commander. 

“Commander is good right here.” Cage sternly rejected her, shooting a glare to Lorelei. “Andrew will walk you back.” He disliked the man, who had already butchered several deals, and he was pretty sure that Andrew had been involved with Lorelei before. He was just looking for an excuse to take him out. 

Enraged, Lorelei shot up from her seat and walked toward Andrew, as if challenging her husband. “Come on, Andy.” She intentionally guided him toward the backyard.

Poor Andrew, having no clue what just happened, was doomed to a painful death in the not too far future. 

People looked among themselves and kept their silence for a while, knowing that Cage and Lorelei’s marriage was coming to an inevitable end. 

“So, Callie,” Suddenly Emerson spoke, trying to start a new conversation. He had been very keen to Clarke after her arrival despite his crass manner, “tell us more about you. Why do such pretty lady like you wanna be nurse?” 

She instinctively looked over to Lexa, who also looked up at her, genuinely interested in the topic, then she looked to Dax, his face bloodless and nervous whenever she was present, finally, she looked back to Cage, he was attentive, unusually attentive, and encouraging. So she chuckled a bit. “I…don’t know. I mean, for me it’s sort of uh… calling I guess.” 

Some of the men chuckled hearing this. But most of their laughter was friendly. 

Cage nodded with his own smile. “Oh maybe for you it’s a calling. But for us, it’s a blessing.” 

The guys laughed again. Some even whistled. 

Clarke blushed a light color of red. “You are making fun of me now.” 

“No, I’m serious, Callie,” Cage put down his glass and stared at her. “you certainly have gained several admirers since working here. I heard Eric already made a move.” He glanced around, Emerson, Paul, David all avoided his eye contact. “In fact, I find myself one of them.” 

There were some quiet gasps after Cage’s confession. Though throughout the years, Cage had only been serious with Lorelei, his people understood that when he said he admired someone, everyone else must forfeit. 

“If you don’t mind, Callie, please let us court you,” He confidently raised his glass again, “may the best man win.” 

Just as his lips tipped into a confident smile for he knew nobody had the guts to take him up on this courting game, a calm voice interrupted his victory. “Or the best woman.” 

Clarke closed her eyes hearing that voice. Lexa's voice had always felt like wind to her, always so calm and emotionless that seemed harmless, invisible, but in that invisibility, there hid a force, powerful enough to rally waves after waves, stir an ocean upside down and rupture all the tranquility. The waves hit her right in her heart, like tidings, it hit over and over again, the joy, the excitement, the fear, and the heartache took turns disrupting her rhythmic heartbeat. It all mingled together she couldn’t tell if her heart was pounding overload in euphoria or it was bleeding out in tearing agony. 

Cage temporarily paused, and then he picked up his eyes to look at the woman sitting far away by the fountain. “Commander.” He shook his head with an inaudible chuckle. This fearless woman… always there to challenge him, but always so good at whatever she did. He was jealous of her confidence and ability to impress women, including his wife which was somewhat tragic for him, but he was also very proud of her, in a brotherly sort of way. 

“Boss.” Lexa tilted her chin a bit, and looked back at him. She had no idea where that came from. Feeling nervous already when people started to pay attention to the blonde, she needed to step up right then, for some reason unbeknownst to herself, she felt the need to shield the woman from all the madness going on in this dangerous land. 

Cage smiled and nodded in approval. “Equal opportunity, all is fair game.” Oh this would be fun, competing with his favorite person. He was a bad guy, to most people’s perspectives, but he was a classy men, a gentleman. And if, if the Commander really found happiness in this pretty little blonde, there was always more pretty blonde girls.

The rest of the men looked among themselves. They decided it was better to let these two alone. Cage favored the Commander, it was a truth couldn’t be made clearer. Only this woman had a chance to walk out in one piece after publicly challenged Cage for a woman. They just didn’t want to risk being taken out. 

Lexa didn’t say another word. She stood up and started to walk back. It was about time for some late Saturday night entertainment. 

Cage watched her go while the rest of the men discarded their beer bottles, and aligned up some small mirrors or syringes. He turned to the blonde, and saw the confused look on her face. “Oh pardon me, I have something to explain here.” He refused a roll that was passed to him. “Besides the trucking business, we also run something…slightly out of the legal borders.” 

_“More like completely illegal.”_ Clarke retorted in her head, but kept a straight face. 

“And our clients sometimes can be very generous with gifts.” He continued. “Look I understand that you might not be comfortable with this. But I promise you’re absolutely safe, as long as you help us keep this little secret. Can you do that, love?” 

Clarke searched for the brunette. As much as she tried to prepare herself, this scene still startled her. Watching people use before her own two eyes was something she had never anticipated. What the hell happened to the good old tradition that professionals don’t do drugs? 

“Commander isn’t part of this. She stopped using couple of years ago, near death experience. Those idiots don’t know half of it.” He pointed to the men chopping up powder in high spirit. “You know that’s one of the reasons I like her so much. It’s very hard to quit but she is the kind of person with conviction. She’s…one of a kind.” Cage held his chin and explained to the blonde. 

His words stung. The pressure on her chest became unbearably painful as she heard that Lexa had been using and had experienced the worst kind of addiction, that she nearly died. 

“Do you know why we call her Commander?” Cage started to recall the time they first met. “The old Commander, he was a hell of a guy, was my best man, five years ago he died, protecting me. Then she came along, all wounded and fucked up like some fucking stray pussy, but you know what? I saw potential in her. And I wasn’t wrong, she is one of the best I’ve ever seen.” He downed all his wine and leaned back in his chair. “Who would’ve thought naming her Commander was probably the most brilliant idea ever? That’s all it takes to be one step ahead of the other party, you just gotta surprise them.” And boy were they surprised. Cage believed that the reason Commander had not a single record on her was that nobody was anticipating an “old bald beefy scar faced man” to be a young woman. 

Clarke listened, her pain getting worse by every passing second. The more she learned about Lexa's past, the more it hurt. “I… I’m sorry but um, I think I should go check on Lorelei…” 

Cage didn’t force her to stay. He nodded and took another sip from his wine. 

Clarke didn’t know where to go, she couldn’t go inside the house because she knew she could not resist the temptation of going to Lexa's room. She was afraid that she might break down into tears in front of her because her heart was hurting so badly. 

Dax was watching the whole interaction with an uneasy feeling. He stole himself after her and followed her into the backyard. While they were finally alone, blocked by the landscape and the woods from where everyone else was sitting, he asked with the same anger days ago. “What are you doing?” 

“What am I doing?” She threw the question back at him. “No, the question should be what are YOU doing? What the hell is going on, Dax? Why didn’t you report truthfully to your superior?” 

Clarke’s questions were obviously hitting home and Dax was not prepared to answer either of them. He began to feel like it was not a good idea to try to kick her out of the picture this early. But the more she knew, the more danger he’d be put into. “I have other things to worry about.” He tried to dodge but it was of little use. 

“Like what? You’ve been in for like how long? 18 months? And you couldn’t even let Jaha know that Commander is a woman.” She regretted this particular accusation at the moment she said it. Dax failed to tell the lieutenant about Lexa, but she was no better. For an entire week, it never occurred to her to give this specific piece of intel to her superior, even when detective Kane got back to her with Lexa's file showing her that the woman basically vanished after transferring out of her old high school. She knew what it meant, it meant that Lexa had been a criminal, a damn good one all along. Yet she didn’t bring up a word about her. Was she protecting her subconsciously? Was she being untruthful as well? She didn’t want to admit it, but the answer to both questions was yes. 

“Look I was working at the bottom of the chain. I didn’t even know.” He threw his arms in the air and lied. “I don’t have to take crap from you. You weren’t the one working your ass off to get here. I’m done with you.” 

“Maybe I’m not. But I’ll be providing more intel by the end of the week than you’ve ever did.” Clarke was enraged by the man’s manner. She could barely keep her voice down. “And I’m gonna report you.” 

“Don’t you dare—” He immediately turned around and pressed in on her, gripping her arms in his hands, but then they heard something from the further side of the backyard. Some shuffling appeared and a woman’s figure stole out into the moonlight from behind the plants. 

It was Lorelei, having collected another victim of Cage’s. 

The two of them instantly jumped apart. They didn’t know whether the woman heard them or not. 

But Lorelei was equally surprised to see them. “What are you doing here?” 

Clarke quickly came to her side. “I was looking for you. It’s time to take your meds.” She guided her through the short bushes and glared at Dax before going back to the house. 

“You were screwing with Eric, weren’t you.” Lorelei scoffed at her nurse. She was secretly glad that this Ms. Callie Dean was involved with someone else. Imagine how mad Commander would be to find that out. She snickered to herself. Then… then Commander would come to her, and she would take good care of her…she would make the Commander hers. “I’ll tell you what, you never saw me with Andrew, and I never saw you with Eric.” She pretended to be understanding and sympathetic. 

Clarke of course knew she couldn’t trust a single word Lorelei said. But it didn’t matter whatsoever. Lorelei didn’t hear a thing, and most likely she would go crazy again by tomorrow. 

She didn’t know, a shadow on the third floor balcony had been there for a long time. 

 

Lexa was watching the blonde from the balcony since she left the garden. She couldn’t hear anything but she was observing the entire time. There were still so many questions, regarding the name change, regarding Eric. She was able to ring up someone and find out that Clarke Griffin did graduate from UChicago with a nursing degree and spent three years in medical school, but after dropping out, her records no longer existed. And then she did a little research on the name Callie Dean, the result showed that not long after dropping out of meds school, she began working at the Chicago Mercy Hospital. The dates, the charts, everything checked out. But still something didn’t feel right. Records could be forged. She would guess that Clarke was working as an undercover cop, but Eric seemed to be a bad seed to the deep end of his soul, it didn’t make sense. Besides, even if Clarke went to the academy afterwords, she’d be a first year officer. Who would’ve sent a first year on an undercover operation? Maybe she was working for some other people? An enemy of Cage’s perhaps? 

The questions were troubling her. But what troubled her more was the fact that Cage just declared his interest in her, and the scene she witnessed in the backyard, with Eric. She had no idea what they were talking about, but to her, it seemed like a lover’s quarrel. And she could feel the raging jealousy in her stomach, it almost ripped her apart as she saw the man holding Clarke’s arms. 

As the blonde walked Lorelei back to the house, Lexa couldn’t help her impulse anymore but ran downstairs. 

 

Lorelei was tired out. Clarke was glad that she wasn’t there to hear any of the madness among Cage and the other guys and Lexa back in the garden, otherwise Lorelei would absolutely hate her gut. She put the sick woman to sleep before going back to her room with a heavy mindset. 

As she walked into her room, Clarke sighed deeply and leaned on the door for a moment. What happened tonight was really too much for her to handle. She felt like an object being fought over between savages. She felt awful to be put into this position but at the same time… at the same time she wanted to smile, at the memory when Lexa challenged Cage for her. Biting on her lower lip till she tasted blood, she squeezed her eyes then opened them again. 

Seeing into the dark room, she felt something different, someone had been in here, the alarm in her head rang loudly. She gingerly put down the syringes and medical supplies on the counter, and adjusted her eyes to the dim moonlight pouring in from the large French window. 

There, a thin shadow, under the moonlight, on her sofa, was just there, not even moving, as if whoever sitting there didn’t need to breath. 

Clarke jumped and panicked, reaching for the switch. 

 

Lexa sat there, she wasn’t breathing, she was holding the air in her lungs as she heard the blonde walk in. After a loud click of the lamp, the room filled with warm yellowish light. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and squinted at the startled blonde. The look in Clarke’s eyes, first scared like she would have a heart attack, then shock, and then relief, and eventually anger, it nearly brought a smile to her lips but she bit the inside of her cheek to prevent the joyous feeling from surfacing. 

Clarke was so frightened at first she thought she was dead. Then she found out who was there, a rushing sense of relief washed over her. She felt safe, for the first time in days, in the presence of the brunette. Then she felt rage, for showing her fear to the enemy. “What the hell are you doing in my room?” She put both hands on her hips and questioned the irritatingly calm woman. 

Lexa lifted one brow, stood up from the sofa and walked closer, but not too close to scare the blonde woman away. “Waiting for you, of course.” A lewd smile found its way to her face. Lexa's eyes suddenly became dark with dangerous arousal. 

“Why would you be waiting for me?” Clarke backed away just a little. Unintentionally she put a hand on her chest, in attempt to stop her heart from going off the rails. Lexa was dangerous, toxic, but so tempting, like cocaine. Thinking back to what Cage told her about the brunette, her heart again tightened. 

“If I remember it correctly, I just challenged my boss to win you over, pretty sure I deserve some time with you.” Then Lexa remembered the scene in the backyard, Clarke with Eric. She clenched her teeth and sneered. “I don’t get it. Why Eric?”

“What?” Again with Dax. Clarke didn’t understand Lexa's obsession over him. 

“I saw you with him just then. How romantic, hmmm? All the moonlight and flowers. A shame I was up here and couldn’t give you my applaud.” Lexa shifted her weight onto another foot. However, even the slightest movement startled the blonde and she hated it. “I mean, he can’t even bring himself into the game, why would you want to be with a coward?” 

“Is it a game to you?” Clarke glared at her. 

“No, but it is to you.” Suddenly the brunette moved close. “And you’re enjoying it.” 

Clarke felt the pressure as Lexa closed the distance between them. Under the warm orange light from the lamp, those lake green eyes seemed to have lost their tranquility. It was the first time she had ever seen emotions in them, over ten years ago. And boy those were some of the rawest emotions, the hurt, the fury, the confusion, the affection, overflowing in the deepest greenest watery orbs. They broke her heart, those eyes, they reminded her of that scared, wounded girl in her high school. 

“What are you doing here? And what are you doing to me?” Lexa was breathing so heavily when she had the lithe body inches away from her reach, her voice trembled and broke a little. 

Clarke knew Lexa was going to kiss her, she felt her radiating warmth, hitting like heaving waves. She didn’t avoid, she stood with her back against the door, and she let it happen. She let it happen because she was wondering forever if Lexa would kiss her, she was thinking forever about how good it would feel to have the brunette’s lips on her. 

The kiss was desperate in its nature. Lexa captured the blonde by holding her so close that there was not a single gap between their bodies. She kissed her with all her might, her lips forcing the intimacy, her tongue demanding entrance, her hands pressing on Clarke’s back, and her eyes shut tightly. 

Though with all that merciless strength and insatiable seeking, Clarke drown into the kiss. She could once in her life feel how amazing, how powerful and beautiful a kiss could feel. Lexa's lips were both hard and soft, masculine and feminine, primal and gentle, they were everything she had imagined and more. 

It drove her crazy when she felt the blonde reciprocate, and actually dedicate into the passionate kiss. The brunette angled herself to deepen it as if it was possible. Her heart began to swell at the contact and her body to respond to the arousal. She positioned herself in between Clarke’s legs and started to grind her hips up against her thigh. Her hand wandered to the perfectly shaped bottom, squeezing gently even. 

Clarke whimpered at the touch. She lift one leg slightly off the ground to get more of the friction. If Lexa didn’t stop soon, she’d fall for her… no, too late, she already fell, for Lexa Woods, for “Commander”, for… a criminal. 

“I want you, Clarke…” Lexa pampered zillions of heated kisses on her cheek and her chin, grabbed a fistful of the blonde hair and whispered into her ear. “I don’t care who else there is, Eric, Cage, frigging Lorelei, whatever. I want you, to be mine.” 

Eric… Cage… Lorelei… Then lightening bolt splashed in her head and shook her out of the false sense of happiness built upon all this endorphin shooting in her neurons. She should’ve known better. Clarke opened her eyes and returned to reality. What she was doing here? She was supposed to be an undercover, not a weak-willed, love-struck woman giving into the forbidden romance, no matter how wonderful it felt. She was going to throw all these people behind bars, Lexa being one of whom. And she was definitely not supposed to fall for her. 

Lexa felt the body become frigid in her embrace. She panicked and tried to hold her even closer. 

But Clarke pushed her hand on the taller woman’s shoulder. “I…can’t.” 

Releasing the woman for just a bit, Lexa untangled her finger out of her hair. “What do you mean you can’t?” 

“I just can’t, ok?” 

“Is it because of Eric?” Lexa wanted to grip on something, but there was nothing for her to grip onto, instead, she balled up her fist so tightly that her nails dug into her own flesh. It hurt, but it wouldn’t hurt half as much as the words that came out of her mouth next. “You just love him so much?” 

“No! No I don’t love him.” Clarke quickly denied. She hated Dax for being in the picture. 

“Then why?” Lexa searched long and deep into her eyes, with anxiety and panic that were unusual for her. 

Clarke couldn’t answer. How could she? Tell Lexa that she was a cop who would eventually send her to prison? She just gave up on this conversation, staring pointlessly into the most beautiful chartreuse colored eyes. 

It was the lack of a reply that defeated her. Lexa closed her eyes and opened them again. There, the emotions disappeared, leaving behind pools of still water. Her voice was horrifyingly calm, “It’s a game to you.” 

“Yes, it is.” Clarke was speechless at the sudden change of attitude. It reminded her how dangerous this brunette woman could be, and she needed to keep her distance. So she nodded and watched Lexa take a step back. Squeezing her eyes, she didn’t want to see those hollow eyes again, knowing that she was the reason. 

“Whoa, I am so stupid.” Her lips tipped into a cruel curve. Lexa let go of her hands. “You’d better know, whatever game you’re playing, it’s a dangerous one.” The temperature in the air cooled down as the brunette woman left that last sentence and stormed out, a deafening clank of the door resonated in her eardrums, followed by an equally deafening silence. 

Clarke slid down onto the floor, tears rapidly found their way down her cheeks. She knew she had hurt her again, she never knew it was possible to hurt someone after so many years. 

There was no strength left in her to stand up and go back to her bed. Clarke sat there, burying her head in her palms, rocking herself a little and crying silently. “It’s not a game… I’m so sorry…oh Lexa I’m so sorry… It’s not a game.” 

 

Lexa didn’t even notice she was running down the hallway. She was running, no harrowing wind in her ears, no uproarious traffic, just her stumping footsteps on wooden floor. This suffocation, this insanity, this grievance felt so tangible, like an invisible hand dragging her back in time to that heartless little town. She might have escaped from that, but there was no escape from this. 

She made a stupid mistake, foolishly thought that maybe Clarke felt the same way about her, and if not, she thought it wouldn't matter. She also thought she didn't need fixing, she wasn't broken, she was fine. But never had she thought that after a decade of waiting, searching, hurting, her past came back and ambushed her, and for the millionth time, reminded her just how much damage life had done. 

In that moment, she wanted to indulge in the oblivion cocaine could provide. She went to Lorelei’s room and fumbled out a syringe filled with intoxicants from the nightstand. 

Yet at last second, she dropped the needle. If she did this, if she relapsed, it would only end in one way. 

Going back to her room, she curled her body into a ball and sobbed. She sobbed and sobbed until her face hurt from the dried salty solution. It had been years since she cried like a baby. But then she got up, splashed water on her face, and looked into the mirror. She saw her puffed eyes and reddened nose. It’d be a tragedy in the morning.  

What the hell was she doing? Lexa cursed under her breath and glared at those foggy green eyes staring back at her. 

_“Don’t lose yourself, not again. She’s not worthy. You, are not worthy either.”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are escalating. I hope you liked it.
> 
> I love your feedbacks, and random conversations. 
> 
> My nerd level: put together an entire 3x3 magic cube under two minutes.


	4. Do you hear me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke gave in to what her heart desired. But the struggle in reality continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE had been a major chemical EXPLOSION in my country last night, city called TIANJIN, very close to my hometown is now in fire and ruins. Over 50 people DIED, hundreds injured, and the number is still climbing.  
> I don't know their names, but they were my people. I want everyone to take a moment before reading this chapter. Please grief for a minute, send a prayer, for the lives lost in this tragedy. I would really appreciate it.

 

It had been days since she last saw the brunette woman, well since she kissed her and pushed her away. Clarke couldn’t help but miss Lexa, every second of every minute of every day. She just wanted to see her, and know that she was alright, although she highly doubted it would be the case. She even hung out more in Lorelei’s room, tolerating the annoyed woman. 

Lorelei routinely wen t nuts and yelled at her whenever she wanted to give her a shot. The crazy woman constantly complained about the pain in her chest and required to see Commander on a daily basis. It was the reason Clarke would still stick around her bedside after taking care of everything. She hoped Lexa might come in and check on Lorelei. 

“What did you do, you sneaky little bitch? Where did you hide my Commander?” Lorelei tossed in her bed and glared at her nurse. 

Clarke sighed deeply. She wished she knew where the brunette was. “Lorelei, I didn’t do anything…” That was not true, she did everything and now Lexa wouldn’t even show up. 

“Commander volunteered to scout a new route from Mexico. She’ll be back this afternoon.” Cage was in the room as well, on the one hand he wanted to spend more time with his new dig, on the other hand, he felt guilty because he was still married to Lorelei. To make up for that guilt, he was unusually patient. He glanced at Clarke, who seemed instantly relieved for some reason. Commander…hmmm she was quick to win over some girl’s heart. “Callie, it’s almost time for lunch, why don’t you, um, come with me?” He flashed a smile that barely reached his crystal eyes. 

The blonde discarded her medical gloves, wanting to shake her head. Cage had been particularly nice to her, and she knew it was his game. She didn’t find his effortless charisma endearing, she found it annoying and intimidating. And all she wanted was this kind of attention from a brunette woman. No, she didn’t want that attention, she corrected herself, she was not allowed to have want for Lexa.  

On the way down to the dining hall, she ran into Dax again. He had been avoiding her since day one and lately he had been totally absent at any occasions that might involve her. “Eric. Can I talk to you for a second?” She called him, earning a look from Cage. “You’re half Polish right? I was just wondering if you know what kind of gravy to put in a Kopytka?” 

“You’re making potato dumplings?” Cage smiled. 

Clarke nodded. “My grandma used to make it but I forget the recipe. We’ll be in a sec.” She led the way into the kitchen while Cage shrugged and went to the dining hall on his own. 

Dax carefully observed the blonde. “Now what?” 

“I am supposed to be delivering a report tomorrow and if you change your mind to actually contribute some useful intel before that, I won’t include anything about your job in mine.” Clarke gave him a stern look and stirred the pot of Polish cuisine the on-the-clock maid had cooked and put it on a plate. “I don’t want to report you, Dax, we’re supposed to stick together.” She carried the plate out and left him in his own brooding misery. 

He contemplated about it, and since Cage was going to be with him en route for a particularly risky deal, he decided it was time. Either he pull this off and become a hero who took down the cartel, or he butcher a deal but come back to his comfortable, luxurious life with plenty of money from this little side business of his. It was damn smart of him. Maybe people would call him a dirty cop, but he had much more income than the average police officer salary, and as long as nobody found out, promotions, medals, praise, and chicks were all in line for him. 

 

In the afternoon, Clarke went back to Lorelei’s room to keep her comfortable. She kept looking out the window, wondering when the brunette would be back. 

It was an incredible day, sunshine, spring breeze, birds and little insects singing in the garden. It was a beautiful day in suburban Chicago. She would have enjoyed a day like this if she wasn’t in the deep dark hole of this drug nest and her mind constantly drifting to a woman she should not be thinking about. 

Suddenly, the side gate opened and a black SUV pulled in. It was a car she had never seen before. Anything new in this place was suspicious and could be potentially informative. So she got closer to the window and watched. 

Two men, obviously armed, jumped out of the car, and stood in the middle of the garden. Cage with Emerson by his side came up to them. Clarke found the two men familiar, but absolutely not under Cage’s business. They were Asians. and she recalled the pictures detective Kane showed her about the two Chinese mob reps. Those were them! The office was right, they were coming here to discuss business with the Civet. She quickly checked on the woman one last time before discreetly rushing downstairs. 

Cage led the two men into his study, where Clarke assumed the secret meeting would take place. She stalked over, and held her breath, trying to listen to their conversation. 

But the door was thick and the men were talking in a suspiciously low voice. Clarke could only get muffled words about the “Middletown agreement” or something sounded like dividing up their territories. She knew there was a risk someone could catch her spying outside the door but it was important that she got the gist of this conversation. So she moved even closer until her ear was practically pressed on the wood. 

 

Lexa just finished up her shower from her day-long travel. She was starving. Walking downstairs to get some food, she paused in the hallway up the weird image with Clarke pressing on Cage’s study room door. Then she remembered him saying something about a visit from the Chinese mob or some of that business division crap. Instantly a cold sweat broke on her back. She had to do something, before anybody, before Cage found out the blonde had been listening. 

Maybe it would earn her a slap on the face, but it was something she got to do quick. Gingerly walking toward the slender figure that was bending into an odd angle against the door, she wrapped her arm around the woman’s waist. 

The brunette had been so quiet approaching her. Clarke did not see that coming. She yelped and instinctively budged, knocking her elbow into the door. 

The discussion promptly ceased. “Who is there!?” Out came Cage’s stern inquiry from the room. 

_“This is it… I’m dead.”_ Clarke closed her eyes and felt her heart muscles scrunching to a halt. 

The next second, she was pushed backward onto the wall and a warm pair of lips swallowed her whimper. 

Lexa held the blonde closely to her own body, and kissed her deeply, hoping that everything would go ok. “If you wanna live, better act like it.” She planted some more kisses on the soft skin she found on Clarke’s neck and sucked on it gently. She had to admit that she was enjoying this living crisis more than just a little bit. 

It was Lexa… Clarke finally realized what was happening. Lexa was here, Lexa was home, and she was holding her, kissing her, whispering to her, saving her from an apocalypse. God, Lexa… how could she live without her. Literally, she would be dead if the person who caught her was not the brunette. And… the feeling to be kissed by this woman was just incredible. She threw her arms around Lexa's neck, held onto her strong torso for support, and let the woman explore her thoroughly with that magic tongue of hers. 

It brought an undetectable smile to her face as she felt Clarke holding onto her desperately. 

As Cage and the other two men ran out to see who was there, the scene, of two woman with their bodies intertwined and passionately kissing each other like it was the end of their life, was what they saw. They all widened their eyes at the steamy action taken place right in front of their eyes. 

Cage had to chuckle. He cleared his throat to remind the women that they were in a public area. 

Like they’ve been rehearsing, the two of them jumped apart hearing the cough as if they were too invested into the kiss to acknowledge another’s presence. 

Lexa straightened her posture, untangled herself from Clarke’s hair, and blocked the blonde woman from the three men with her body. She looked up to Cage, looking convincingly embarrassed and guilted.“Uh… boss,” She chuckled, and wiped her lips with on the back of her hand, “I didn’t see you— I’m sorry…”

Clarke hid behind the taller woman, praying that the man would not ask too many questions that could blow their cover. 

“Oh nonsense, kiddo. No wonder Callie was all thoughtful these days, turns out she’s been missing you.” Cage dismissed the apology with a wave of his hand, seeming to be very interested in the whole story. “Ahh god damn thought I had a chance here. But since you’ve already got so far ahead of me,” 

“I’m really sorry it’s just…”  

“Oh I know how it is.” Cage gave her a knowing smile and a wink. “It’s chemistry. Callie chose you. Now it’s my bad you need to sneak around but now that I know, we gotta do something about it.” He buzzed the maid and ordered her to arrange Clarke’s personal stuff and move her into Commander’s room. 

“Boss, you really don’t have to—”

“Kid, don’t be silly. You won an amazing woman over, you treat her right.” He patted her on the back, very content with his arrangement and his own selfless nature. “But tell us, how come you’re better at women than any of us?” 

Lexa shrugged and joked. “Maybe coz I’m a woman myself.” 

They laughed and Cage turned back to the waiting reps from Iowa. “Gentlemen, shall we?” Then the three of them again disappeared into the study. 

Finally the men went inside, Clarke dared to let out the breath she had been holding in. She looked at the brunette woman, still standing protectively in front of her, whose shoulders slumped a little in relaxation. 

Then Lexa turned around, gave her a stern, but worried look and started to walk back up the stairs. 

Not until she felt a pull on her arm did Clarke notice her hand was still linked with Lexa's, and she was squeezing that hand so tightly as if she depended her life on their connection. In fact, at the moment, she did. Her heart was beating loudly in her ears because of the incident, because of the unplanned kiss, because of seeing the brunette again, because she was alive. Touching her free hand to her lips, she couldn’t believe Lexa did that for her. And in the present, her only option, to stay alive breathing and walking, was to trust Lexa. 

On her way back to her room, the brunette frowned deeply. There was this blunt pain in her chest that was hitting at her one blow after another. She tried to be discreet, but her each step on the stairs was shaky. The only reason she did not collapse was the blonde walking behind her. She tightened her grip on the lithe hand in hers, needing to feel the woman within her reach, alive, and safe. As they reached her room, now “their” room, she finally let the whole event sink in. 

Clarke watched in anxiety as Lexa let go of her hand, walked over to the couch, fell into it, and held her head. She couldn’t see her expression, just the woman was breathing heavily, shaking a little bit even. She stood in silence while the maid brought all her stuff into the room, and added a full set of beddings to Lexa's king sized bed, then respectfully left them alone. 

Lexa wanted to control it, but she could barely breathe. She was never known to have a panic attack, but now it felt like one. The adrenaline that held her earlier composure dissipated too rapidly and she was physically falling apart. Days ago, when she took off for the mission to secure a new route, she was hoping to get some clarity, but as soon as she stepped out of the vehicle, six hours away from Chicago, she regretted it. This, today, was something she had been worried sick over for the last couple of days. She was afraid that the blonde would take up on some stupid shenanigans that would put herself in real, live-threatening danger. It was god’s blessing that she got home in time, and right now, she didn’t care whatever Clarke was up to, wherever she came from or whoever she worked for, she could only think about the fact that the woman was safe. The fact that Clarke was safe had become the only thing that kept her from choking. 

Clarke could still feel the heat of the brunette on her hand. She wanted to say something, she wanted to thank her, or apologize to her, just something. But as she parted her lips, words failed her, all she could pronounce was the single syllable of the woman’s name. “Le—”

“No,” Suddenly Lexa cut her off. She stood up, the might in her boiling blood and tensing muscles tore a giant slit in her shirt. “no. You don’t say anything, Clarke.” She ripped the damaged clothe from her body as if it were shackles, and threw it back onto the sofa. 

It amazed her, Lexa's physicality. Under the thin layer of her tank top, the muscular outline, the lean stature, the veins and bones, the smooth bronze skin, every little detail of her was dangerously beautiful. But what amazed her more, were her eyes. Gone were the calm and confidence, now uncertainty, insecurity, fear, and all those heartbreaking emotions she had seen in that wounded girl from 11 years ago, reflected in the jade colored orbs, watery, rippling, along with her own reflection. 

“Whatever you were doing, Clarke, cut if out! Just—just stop.” Lexa stalked the blonde like a panther stalked her prey, she trapped Clarke against the wall. “I don’t care if you were trying to snoop secret info from Cage and give it to some other people. I don’t care. You clearly don’t know what you’re doing.” 

“Lexa—” Clarke wanted to calm her down. Her back was against the wall and Lexa's arms were on either side of her head. She was sure that the brunette could strangle her at any given minute. 

“When Cage asks me keep an eye on you, I keep an eye on you. But I failed, nearly failed.” 

Did she just see a glimmer of caring in her eyes? Clarke wondered. It must have been there, although the next minute it was replaced by anger. Lexa cared about her. Lexa didn’t want her to risk her life so she must care about her. But what the brunette said next was like a bucket of ice on her warmed heart, like a needle straight to the pink bubbles forming at this ungodly, inappropriate time. 

“I, **_I_** could have died because of you today!” She meant to say that it nearly killed her to think she could’ve lost the blonde, but she changed her mind at last second and something else came out. “I could’ve died today, so if you even consider doing something like that again, give me a heads up so I know when to prepare my funeral.” 

“Oh, ok so you’re just worrying about covering you own ass.” Clarke tried to look away from the incredibly angry eyes. “Then go worry about something else I won’t put you in this position again.” 

So she was right. It did hurt the blonde’s feelings. Lexa closed her eyes and sighed. At least she knew that Clarke also cared. “How could you still, not, get it?” When she reopened her eyes, her vision was somehow compromised, like she was seeing things under water. Then she realized that it was because of her tears. And when she spoke again, her voice was all coarse and shivery, but she resumed. “If you died today… I couldn’t have lived.” She clenched her jaw and leaned a bit forward, touching their foreheads together. 

It completely stunned her. Clarke shuddered, and lost count of her own heartbeat. 

“If I lost you… I couldn’t have lived.” Leaning even closer, Lexa gently nudged her with the tip of her nose, and her hands arrived at the woman’s shoulders. She lowered her voice to nearly a whisper, a whisper spoken between lovers. “Do you hear me?” 

Her breath picked up at the series of small touches. Clarke nodded and let herself anticipate what the brunette was about to do next. And as soon as she felt the soft lips touch hers, she lost all her concerns, her worries, her struggles and drowned herself into the kiss. 

Lexa put one hand behind the small of her back to keep her close, and freed the other hand to cup her face. She needed this kiss. She needed it to assure herself that Clarke was still here with her, and she had not lost her. 

Unlike the kiss they shared moments ago, this one was not urgent, not pressured. They explored each other with great tenderness and care. Their lips danced together, making sensual sounds of gentle sucking with each movement. Lexa became a little impatient. She darted out her tongue, licked the corner of Clarke’s mouth and persuaded her way in, then she captured the shy partner with that skilled muscle. Their hands were exploring at the same time, trying to find as much skin of one another as possible. “It’s not a game for me, Clarke. I want you, and I want to love you, for real.” Lexa murmured in between her erratic breaths and kisses. 

“It’s not a game.” Clarke reassured her. Even if it was inappropriate, even if it was unethical, she couldn’t help it. She fell for the brunette, and she could no longer deny it. With Lexa, she felt loved and protected, and the feeling only grew stronger after today’s event. She dragged her nails along the back of Lexa's arms and chuckled to hear the woman hiss. She had every reason to believe that Lexa could be dangerous, animalistic even, but right then she just felt her undivided attention. And it was such a turn on when the brunette bent down a little, and lifted her up against the wall with a strong arm supporting underneath her thighs as if she weighed no more than air. She let out a small yelp, hooked her legs around Lexa's hips and wrapped her arms around her neck, kissing her again and again, deeply, passionately. 

Lexa had not dreamed of this reaction. Actually she had, many times. She dreamed of a innocent peck on the cheek back in high school, then she imagined Clarke’s face many times when she was with other women. Now it was not her imagination anymore, not a dream, it was real. It put a smile on her face. Even though she was exhausted, she felt another rush of adrenaline in her body that enabled her to carry the woman to her bed. She threw her, rather gently, down into the luxurious covers and climbed on top of her quickly to resume their kiss.

Clarke threaded her fingers into the silky brown hair, causing the braids to loose. She could feel her now, actually feel her. Since the first time they met, she wondered how it would be like to touch those thick waves of rich brownness. She moaned a little at the pure texture of it. 

It drove her absolutely crazy. Lexa growled, and landed her lips to feast on Clarke’s neck, collarbone, and the exposed skin on the chest. Her hand snuck in her shirt unbuckle the stripy bra Clarke was wearing, and without the woman’s noticing, she slid the piece out from her shirt. 

Clarke almost laughed. _Very impressive_. Down to only one layer of clothing, she found herself growing more sensitive, at the brief frictions and the cooler temperature. And her face reddened at this new found excitement. 

Lexa was quick to discover the smallest changes of the woman’s body and she was fascinated. What she did next was shocking to the both of them, shocking and erotic. With a thin layer in between her mouth and the blonde’s bare skin, she took one breast in and teased the little hardened knob with the tip of her tongue. 

“Oh god…Lex—” Clarke gulped in a large amount of air in attempt to regain her composure but it was of little use. She lifted her body unintentionally to welcome the teasing and flicking at her nipple. And she put the back of her hand over her mouth as Lexa pinched the other rosy bud between her thumb and index finger. Her tongue was so warm, so soft yet so determined. She closed her eyes and embraced the euphoria. 

Quite contented with her ability to rouse a woman, Lexa encouraged Clarke to explore her a little as well. She took her hand and guided it underneath her tank top.

And the blonde was quick to pick up the rhythm of their loving caresses. Inexperienced, curious fingers took interest in everything they found, first the contracting muscles, then the curve of the ribs, then the soft mound with a precious jewelry on top of it. She cupped the full and round breast in her hand, and felt the delicate swelling in her palm while Lexa was doing all kinds of things to her that she didn’t even understand. 

The brunette danced her fingers across Clarke’s abdomen, and got bolder, sliding further south. Her hand found its way into the pants but respectfully, or not so respectfully, lingered at the brim of those lacy panties. When she sensed the blonde lifting her hips against her hand, she dared to go down more. 

It was unimaginable, for Clarke, to fathom the thought that Lexa was gently rubbing at her crotch. She felt so wet, and embarrassed. 

By the moisture seeping through the material, Lexa could tell how much the blonde wanted her. She smirked and put on a little pressure at the swollen pearl she found through the underwear. 

Clarke jumped at the orgasmic touch. Then she tried to brush against Lexa's hand again to get more of it. 

The brunette readily obeyed her wishes. She used her thumb to massage and another three to pet and stroke. It wasn’t long until she heard the erratic breaths and saw the blonde thrashing and heaving in her arms. She was surprised how quick Clarke was approaching her orgasm but she was happy to deliver. 

Little did Lexa know, Clarke had only had two lovers, both males, in college. Then after graduation, her whole life had been revolving around study, and training. She literally had been going celibate for months at a time. She had never imagined that Lexa could be an amazingly skilled lover. Lexa really was, reading her body so easily as if she had been loving her for years. 

She was right. Lexa had been in love with her for years, and it gave her such a high to be able to act on it. She took out her hand, and tasted the faint scent off of her fingers. 

Clarke hid her face in her palms, couldn’t believe Lexa just did that. Then her hands were gently pulled away, and she was kissed again. She wanted to give the woman back something, she really did, but it was such a new experience that she was having a hard time wrapping her mind around it. “I…don’t know what to do.”

Lexa did not expect anything in return. She eased herself down beside the blonde and lay on her side, turned the woman over to cradle her from behind. “It’s ok. It’s ok, Clarke, just sleep now.” She pampered hundreds of kisses at the back of her ear, neck and shoulder, listening to the woman slowly drifting off. Of course one day, she would want to really make love to Clarke, and want Clarke to make love to her, all night long, but she was patient now, content now, just to have her sound asleep in her arms. 

The blonde fell asleep smiling, she loved Lexa’s new found tenderness to her. 

 

They skipped dinner, everyone noticed. Cage had a knowing smile on his face while Lorelei was so pissed off she couldn’t even sit through the whole meal. To give the couple some time, Cage ordered someone else to take care of his wife for the night. But he had to interrupt the lovebirds at some point before tomorrow because he had something important to tell the Commander. As much as he wanted her to sit this one out, it was a crucial part of his plan to secure the safeness of his household. 

Well into the night, Lexa gingerly slid out of her bed for some snack and she heard a small knocking on her door. She opened up and saw her boss standing outside. “Boss?” She gave him a smile so bright that surprised the man. He had not seen a smile like that in years. “Are you spying on us now?” 

Cage looked to the blonde sleeping in the bed and motioned her to let him inside. 

Of course Lexa stepped out of his way. 

It was when Clarke had woken up to the light from the hallway. Cage talked in a very secretive, low voice that captured her attention. She tried to regulate her breathing so she could hear him better. 

“I have a mission for you, tomorrow at 10 sharp go to lot 41 at the Hutchinson pier, we have a deal with the Chinese.” 

“Ok?”

“It’s the agreement with them. Most of us will be there. But I need you to go first, give them a quarter of the new import, secure the first fifteen grand in a grey Saab. I and the others will go in two black mustangs. See the mustangs, then leave immediately.” 

It sounded like Lexa contemplated for a while but she couldn’t see them with her back to them. 

“So I’ll be the bait?” Lexa finally asked. 

“You know I hate to use you as bait but it’s very important. I only trust you to it, kid.” Cage sounded a bit nervous. “See the mustangs, leave, understood?”

“Understood.” 

Then the door closed. 

She could hear Lexa's footsteps back to the bed. 

It seemed like the woman stood there, trying to see if she was really asleep, so Clarke did her best to relax completely. 

The brunette never came back to bed that night, instead she went to sleep on the sofa. 

And it left the blonde in a real struggle. She was now awake, to reality. Lexa was still the drug dealer and she had the duty to report the intel in order to catch them. Besides, Cage said that most of them would be there. It sounded like a once-in-god-knows-how-long opportunity. 

She had to, get the information out by tomorrow. Maybe Lexa would escape because she was ordered to leave earlier. But even if it meant that Lexa could be caught, and sentenced ten years to life, she had to do it. 

Clarke quietly sobbed into the pillow that night, and the smell of Lexa's hair shampoo on the pillow made her cry even harder. She just wished there had been more time, even one more day, for her to fall in love with the woman she was never supposed to love. 

 


	5. Si me ves, o no

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke found Lexa's favorite poem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem 'Si me ves, o no' was once mistaken to be the work of the 6th Dalai Lama (Tshangs-dbyangs-rgya-mtsho). But it actually belongs to a Chinese poet who practices Buddhism.  
> I did the translations to both English and Spanish, there might be mistakes, but that's the gist of it. 
> 
> I don't own anything.

It had been a troublesome night, for both of them. Lexa was in deep thoughts constantly because something didn’t feel right about this mission and she couldn’t put her finger on it. Additionally, she was worried for Clarke. It had been a hard day, emotional and traumatic. She wanted to make sure everything would be just fine and that their time together was not some spur of the moment thing after a life-threatening shock. She was actually regretting it a little bit. She pressured her, when it supposed to be taken slowly. 

Then, she looked over to the bed, the cascading moonlight bounced upon Clarke’s golden threads and added a pale hue to the color. It was almost like a quaint and fine recede drawing from the Renaissance. Then as the night evolved into daytime, the moon was replaced by the sun, the light changed, and the painting changed all together. Now it was golden, reddish, and bright, absolutely bright. She knew the blonde was awake, but she did not want to disturb the peaceful silence they had. It gave her time to think, and to relive the moments she was with her. And if that was what she would ever have, she wanted to hold on to it. 

Clarke slept very little throughout the night, mostly listening to her own heartbeat. She already missed the warm embrace of the brunette woman. But in the dark, she closed her eyes and could feel Lexa's presence. Sometimes the brunette stirred in the sofa, sometimes she paced in the room, and sometimes she even did groups of push ups. It did not bother her at all. The strong presence kept her safe. 

Sunlight finally intruded and disturbed her. She tossed in bed and rubbed her eyes. She saw Lexa sit up straight in the couch, and gave her a languid, loving smile. The light poured into those emerald eyes and warmed them up, softened the rigid lines on her face, while the shadows emphasized her long lashes and the flawless facial structure. “Good morning.”

“Morning.” The brunette stood up and took her time wandering over. When she finally reached her bedside, she kept a respectful distance, but couldn’t help her fingers twirling a strand of straying blonde hair she found on Clarke’s shoulder. “It’s only seven thirty. You can sleep more.” At last, she failed to resist the temptation, and imprinted a kiss on the rosy lips before her. 

“I’ve been sleeping since yesterday afternoon. I don’t think I can sleep ever again.” ****She took Lexa's hand in hers and lapsed their fingers together. When she looked up, she almost whimpered at the emotions she found in her warm green lakes. It was like they traveled back in time, and she was looking at the timid girl in her Spanish class, often giving her the most gentle stares, except now she had more confidence and more passion.

Lexa chuckled and diverted her line of sight. She couldn’t start it again. She knew if she were to kiss her again, she wouldn’t be able to pull away, and she had work to do. Overnight, she made a decision, probably not the smartest or most humane, but the best one she could make out right now. “I’m leaving in twenty minutes. I don’t want you to go out this room today.” 

“What—? You can’t do that.” ****Clarke immediately protested. She had to update her superior today. But she realized her reaction was being a little dramatic. “I mean, I need to get Lorelei’s meds.”

“It’s been taken care of.” ****Lexa left her side, and walked to the nightstand, picked up Clarke’s phone, computer, and her own telephone. “I’ll be keeping these today. The phone is unplugged, wifi is down. Now there’s food in the fridge, bathroom’s over there. Anything else?”

“Yes, why you’re doing this?” ****Clarke quickly got up and held her hands across her chest.

Lexa was temporarily distracted by the spectacular view before her. She could most definitely see through Clarke’s thin shirt, knowing she had nothing underneath. But she shook her head and chastised herself one more time. “You know too much. Now I can’t risk letting you go out and tell someone that there’ll be a deal at the Hutchinson pier, can I?” 

Clarke widened her eyes. 

“Yeah, I know you heard all of it.” Lexa squinted a little, but quickly found her tone a bit harsh. She sighed and came back to take the woman into her embrace. “I’m just trying to protect you, ok? Like I said, it’s not important what you were trying to do, I can overlook everything, but you’re with _me_ now, it’s my responsibility to keep you safe.” 

Although she had never wanted somebody else to take care of her, Clarke understood Lexa's motives, and she was touched by that. If she was just a dumb blonde nurse having walked into the wrong place, she would probably let the brunette take care of everything and just stayed in the house waiting for her to come back, even if it meant she had to live in the terror knowing there was always a chance she could never see her again. She would do that, she would build a life here. But she wasn’t just a dumb girl in the wrong situation. She had responsibilities too. 

“And I hope you’d want me to be safe too.” ****Lexa whispered against her forehead and kissed her again. Then she changed into her business suit, grabbed car keys, and started to walk out.

“Wait, Lexa!” ****Clarke ran to the door.

Lexa stopped, but blocked the woman from escaping. “Yes, Clarke?” 

Standing on her toes, Clarke kissed the brunette, deeply, with force, because she knew what this meant, it meant goodbye. 

“Is that… a good luck kiss for me?” ****It was kind of corny, like they had been married for a long time and Clarke was seeing her off to go to work, an old couple they seemed. But Lexa dreamed of it. Maybe it was still early to say something, but she knew she loved Clarke, she always loved Clarke. “Bye.” ****She stepped out of the room, and no matter how much she resented it, she locked the door behind her.

Clarke sighed deeply, and tried several times on the door handle. It was really double locked from the outside. So she ran to the window and looked as the brunette drove out from the front gate. Then she saw Dax, driving his car to another direction, followed by Emerson, who took the side gate and disappeared from her sight. David, also came out from the house and went to his car. It was quite bizarre, she thought back to the conversation with Cage. He said most of the people would be going together to the Hutchinson pier, but people were already leaving. She quickly fumbled in the nightstand and found some paper clips. Though she had never had to pick a lock, she knew how after catching several thieves and burglars. 

 

“Oh goddamn it!” ****After breaking most of the clips, she sat against the door and cursed. Looking up at the clock tick and tock, indicating the little time left, she decided to give it another try. The clip went into the key hole, and heard some clicking noise between medals. She turned her wrist, with that, appeared a louder click. “Oh my god! Oh my god I got it!” ****She quickly calmed down, persuading herself it was just the first step and stop acting like a rookie. Then she shook her head. She was a rookie, a sloppy but bold one.

It was already nine twenty, she had to find a phone and call lieutenant Jaha about the big deal that was about to take place. When she stumbled down the stairs, trying to get to the kitchen phone, she saw Cage sitting in the kitchen, reading some magazine and slowly stirring his bowl of cereal. Did she just see the time wrong? No it was about nine thirty. But what business would he be doing in his kitchen? 

Cage heard the small noise and turned to look at her. “Oh hey there. Good morning.” 

She instantly clenched the front of her clothes. She thought there would be no one in the house so she just threw on Lexa's robe on her way out. 

He smiled at the reaction and looked away. “Someone had a wonderful night, I suppose? Commander asked me to send a maid to Lorelei’s room so you can take the day off.” ****A little smirk was evident in his voice. “My apologies, for dragging her out of bed so early. But she’ll be back in time for lunch.”

“Oh, that’s fine.” ****Clarke went to the cabinets for the milk bottle. She wanted to ask why he was not on his way to the deal but she should have not known anything about it. It would be stupid of her to just ask that. She needed to be tactical. “Where is everybody?”

“All over the town by now.” ****He had an indecipherable smile on his face. “House cleaning.” ****He soon changed the topic and started talking about the news.

Clarke glanced at the clock again, fifteen minutes to ten. At this pace, she doubted Civet would be doing any deals today, at least not with the rest of his men. There was something wrong, very, very wrong and she could not understand what he meant by “house cleaning”. After all, it was not a good idea to give the wrong message that she clearly did not understand herself. So she drank up her milk, and ran back up to try figure out the situation. 

 

Time barely passed by when she was all alone, staring at the ceiling in Lexa's bed. Clarke wondered if she misunderstood anything from last night’s conversation between the brunette and the drug lord. But she replayed it in her head again and again, not finding any new lead. It was killing her, to think so hard but not to discover a single useful piece. 

Then she thought of Lexa, for the millionth time in this hour. She didn’t know what the brunette was doing out there but at least she had the confidence that no cop would be waiting to ambush her on her way home. And that was because she wouldn’t be reporting anything to the force. There again, the eternal struggle. She was too personally involved in this case to be objective and unattached. This made her a bad undercover. 

Her mind grew graver and graver as she contemplated. But eventually, she let out a frustrated groan, pushing everything out of her mind. If she wanted blame herself and feel sorry, she could do it all day. But she was not going to because it drove her crazy. 

She needed some clarity, some time to not think about the case until all the men come back and start talking. 

Lexa's abundant book collection was a good option at the time being. She rolled out of bed and stood in front of the bookshelf in search of something interesting. Then she found a particularly intriguing collection. The book was in the spanish section, and the faded color of its paper back was enough evidence for its old age. The ridge was nearly corroded, barely holding it together. Despite that, Clarke could still recognize the book. It was a poem booklet from her third semester spanish class. 

She carefully picked it up, so not to disturb the already dangling pages. And she randomly flipped through it. One of the pages was abnormally more damaged than the others, there were water stains on it, like the page was soaked with liquid again and again. She knew Lexa was a neat person, and a book lover, so the woman must have been revisiting that one poem very often. 

It was a poem by a Tibetan monk, translated into spanish. “Si me ves, o no”, an odd little poem it was. 

Si me ves, o no, 

(Whether you see me or not)

siempre estaré ahi,

(I am standing right here)

ni triste ni alegre. 

(and there is no need for emotion)

 

Si me extraña, o no,

(Whether you miss me or not)

siempre el sentimiento permanecerá,

(the feeling is right here)

ni vendrá ni de irá.

(and it’s not fading)

 

Si me quieres, o no,

(Whether you love me or not)

siempre el amor estaré ahí,

(love is right here)

ni aumentará ni se reducirá.

(and it’s not changing)

 

Si me sigues, o no,

(Whether you’re with me or not)

siempre mis manos estarán en tus,

(my hand is always in yours)

no juntas ni separadas.

(and I am not letting go)

 

Ven a mi abrazo,

(Let me embrace you)

hazme vivir en tu corazón,

(let me live in your heart)

para enamorarnos,

(for love)

 complacernos,

(for joy)

y tranquilamente.

(and for tranquility)

 

She tried to read through it, but her spanish had gotten rusty overtime. Anyways, she couldn’t have read better than Lexa did. So she tried to imagine the brunette read it to her. The soft voice, like a spring breeze, not too emotion revealing, but always had the power to stir a perfectly still pool of water. She could vaguely remember the meanings of each line and that it was a love poem. How weird, a love poem written by a monk. But it was beautiful, the dedication, the generosity, the level of love that was both possessive and freeing, and of course, they were so very sad. 

Lexa must have loved the poem. And the stains on the page, Clarke ventured, were tears. She wondered if the brunette thought about her when she read the poem. She liked to think that it was the case, but at the same time, she felt selfish, and guilty, for having avoided Lexa's love all that time, for not giving her the chance she deserved. And now it was too late. Both of them were too far gone… what they had become.

 

Just as she was about to finish the whole poem collection, she heard some stumping in the hallway and the bedroom door was busted open with a loud noise. In came the brunette woman, panting, very nervously. She threw what looked like a medical kit for Lorelei onto the chair and started pacing around the room. 

She put the book back to the shelf and looked at Lexa with worried eyes. “You’re back.”  
“You’ve been out this room? I told you not to!” ****Clearly the brunette was serious and she didn’t look happy at all.

“I didn’t say anything, ok? I went down to the kitchen and Cage was there, the whole time.” Clarke backed off from the worked up woman. “Why was he there? I thought he was going out today.” 

“I knew it!” ****Lexa held her head with one hand and had the other on her hip. “I knew it I knew it I knew it.”

“What? What is it?” It really upset her to see the brunette pacing around like an ant on a hot plate. 

Lexa took in a deep breath, and stepped closer, looking her directly into the eyes. “You didn’t say anything to anyone, right?” 

“No, I swear, Lexa, what’s wrong?” The panicking and fear in those big doe eyes were just too much to ignore. Clarke came up to the woman, and wrapped her arms around her waist. She could hear the rapid heart beat when she put her ear against her neck, but it was slowing down as she gently drew small circles on the woman’s back. “Calm down, Lexa, just calm down first, can you do that for me?”

Lexa was exhausted, she accepted the embrace and rested her chin on the blonde’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“Shh… let’s go back to bed.” ****Thinking of all the tenderness Lexa had given to her, she thought it was her turn to take care of the woman.

Like an obedient child, Lexa changed out of her suit and scooted into the covers. As soon as Clarke sat next to her, she threw her arms around her torso and hugged her like a koala bear on a eucalyptus. “It feels like that last time he… ‘cleaned the house’.” 

It captured Clarke’s attention. Again the phrase “house cleaning”. She wondered what did they mean by that. She combed her hand in the thick brown curls to soothe Lexa, while waiting patiently for her to continue. 

“I was driving away today and I took a glance into the first mustang. It was just one guy in it. I didn’t know him. So I pulled up in an alley, and walked back to the lot. I wasn’t supposed to, but I went to see what’s going on anyway. And there were only a couple of Chinese people reloading the cocaine to their vehicles.” Lexa took great comfort in the blonde’s little touch. It was unusual for her to lose it, but this morning, she was reminded of a horrible scene she had seen. “About four years ago, Cage did something, not exactly the same but similar. He divided up his men into groups, and gave them basically the same instructions, only different locations. You know what he told them?”

Clarke remained silent, trusting Lexa would continue anyway. 

“He told them they were baits for a large deal he will personally lead the rest of the men go negotiate for. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it.” 

Yeah, it sounded exactly like the mission he gave her today. And Clarke could already guess the following. “He didn’t show up.”

“No, he didn’t. But if he did, it’d be a perfect chance to make an arrest.” ****Lexa sat up against the headboard, shaking her head. “He’s a mad genius, that man. He’s trolling, for the leak in his house. He tells them to leave the scene early,”

“So whoever leaks the information to the cops will not be put in danger of a potential gun fight. It’s a very tempting opportunity for an undercover.” 

Lexa nodded, and flashed a brief smile. Clarke was smart, like she thought, too smart for her own good probably. “Yes, and the person will most likely come back home, so he can personally clear them out.”

“What happened last time?” 

“Last time I was too high to even care. But that night almost a dozen people died. Two locations got busted, turned out one was just a coincidence because of a high profiled guy from the other party.” ****She had a pained look on her face. Lexa shut her eyes tightly, the image of blood, screams, cries for mercy was still vivid. Even though she had been intoxicated, she still had some idea how brutal it had been. “He’s getting better at this, one person at a place so he doesn’t lose too much. And, get this, the Chinese mob belongs to Lee Shumway, Lorelei’s cousin. There’s never a division problem with his in-law. Lee was just doing Cage a favor to keep his house clean.”

Now everything made sense. 

Lexa sighed heavily. “My point is, he is a coldblooded man. He will do whatever necessary to save himself. Killing, ruthlessly, isn’t an issue for him.” She was afraid of dying, she admitted, but again she had signed up for that possibility long ago. What scared her more, was that if she died, what was going to happen to Clarke. Just at the thought of that, a cold sweat broke on her back. Lexa shuddered, exposing her most vulnerable moment to the woman she loved. It could be dangerous, she knew, but she was on the brink of collapsing. Being with Clarke, knowing she had to stay strong to protect her, was the only anchorage that tied Lexa to her sanity. 

The trust Lexa gave her completely blew her away. Clarke closed her eyes, and put her hand in the brunette’s. “Siempre mis manos estarán en tus (my hand is always in yours).” A line from the little poem left strings of tingles on her lips. She whispered, it was almost lost in the quiet air. 

“Hmm?” ****Lexa looked down at their hands, and traced her thumb along Clarke’s fingers.

“Nothing, nothing. Don’t worry.” Clarke kissed the brunette at her temple. “You’re ok. We’re ok.”

 

Meanwhile, Dax was driving on the other side of the town, smirking as he saw the line of police mobiles rushing pass him in the opposite direction. Sirens screamed down the narrow street, startling a flock of crows, their giant black wings almost blocked the sun. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Your comments are so kind, they motivate me to post faster!
> 
> I love to hear your thoughts, as I love to learn random things about you. 
> 
> I can't sleep without a particular pillow. It's traveled with me across the pacific six times already.


	6. Question her, and you question me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kudos to the original line in the show, "attack her, and you attack me".
> 
> Lexa would do anything to protect Clarke, even if that meant putting herself in danger under her people's scrutiny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this was the single in-character Lexa scene I've written.

It was not exactly the perfect time for a nap, but a nap was needed. Lexa had not been able to have a good night sleep since a week ago. The stress, work, worrying were wearing her down. She had dreading shadows under her beautiful eyes. 

Everything was obvious to Clarke. She could see the woman was trying to be tough for her. In fact, Lexa had been incredibly strong and impenetrable, but that was just on the outside. On the inside, she was only human, who was as insecure and scared as anyone else would be in this situation. As she held the brunette, stroking her arm lightly to lure her into a deeper slumber, she saw a beautiful but terrified and tired out child. It was a new perspective, for Clarke to contemplate. Lexa was someone’s child. It was unimaginable, too harsh to be contemplated, to grow up as a criminal’s daughter. She knew very little about Lexa's childhood and her family, even the scarce information she had, was all about the woman’s father. People talked about how vicious and evil the man was, they never cared about her feeling, and they treated her like she should pay for what he did.

Little Lexa grew up in a world where people despised her, avoided her like plague, constantly telling that she was a lost lamb. Clarke looked at the sleeping woman with guilt and sorrow. Even she herself was no better. When the brunette needed her to be on her side, she hesitated, she cowered, she did the wrong thing. 

And now, it all went wrong for Lexa. What she was doing, the road she was speeding down, was exactly the same as her father. She should be punished by law. But what about the people in the background noise? Those ill-minded haters, indifferent bystanders. They put an invisible gun to her head and a drug filled syringe in her hand. They did this to her. Clarke, did this to her. 

It shredded her heart to see how damaged Lexa had become. She wanted to fix it, she wanted to tell her everything. But she somehow knew that it wasn’t enough. Her guilt would never bend the law, and Lexa had to live with that. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Lexa.” 

The long black lashes fluttered a little as the brunette started to wake up. She squirmed further into the comforting warmth and softness of Clarke’s embrace. The first thing she saw was the strand of blonde hair fallen into her face. It brought her a big smile. She looked up, and crashed into the stunning blue eyes, clouded with some watery glimmers as they rested on her. “Clarke? What’s wrong…?” 

“Nothing. Are you hungry, you must be starving.” It was almost three in the afternoon. 

Lexa also searched for the clock. She figured most people would be back by now. “No.”  ****She stretched a little and sat up against the headboard.

“Well I am.”  ****Clarke untangled herself from the woman, trying to get out of the bed. But soon she was captured by her waist and pulled back up into bed, this time her back against the brunette’s chest.

“No, you don’t want to eat now, trust me.”  ****It wasn’t a joke. There was no joking in her tone. Lexa wanted the blonde to understand what was going to happen, and she also wanted to shield her from everything. But she knew Cage. Nobody would be exception, nobody got prerogative for mercy. She put her chin on Clarke’s shoulder and swayed a little, savoring the moment because she knew the next would be harsh for them both.

Clarke smiled, enjoying the strength in Lexa's arms that wrapped around her. “Why?”

With a deep sigh, Lexa felt it was time. “I don’t want to upset you, ok? But the house cleaning is happening, soon.” The soft and slender body in her arms stiffed. She continued either way. “Someone is gonna take the fall and that someone, will be… dead.” 

“Lex—”

“He will want everybody there so you need to be prepared.”

“Lexa, I will be ok.” She was trained to be ok, to be calm and sharp in extreme situations. 

Lexa really wanted to believe that. But she knew it was not true. Nobody would be ok with this, maybe except Cage himself and Lorelei the lunatic. She herself couldn’t prepare enough. What she had seen, and was about to see again, were enough to haunt her for the rest of her life. She would do anything to spare the blonde all of it, she would. However, nothing she could do to prevent this from happening, so she had to toughen up, for Clarke, for the both of them. “Clarke, listen to me. When we go down stairs, don’t draw any attention to yourself, stay by my side at all time and hold my hand ok? Let me know you’re there with me, ok?” She bit the inside of her cheek, let pain momentarily numb her own fear because this situation required her to be fearless, and knowing she could protect Clarke gave her the courage to be fearless. 

Just as Clarke wanted to say something, Lexa's phone rang loudly, causing the both of them to jump. 

“Hello?” Lexa fumbled out of bed and picked it up. Clarke threw on a jacket and combed her hand through her hair. Of course, it was from Cage. “Yes, I’ll be right down.” She gave Clarke a look, letting her know who it was. “Yes, she’s with me. Actually can she stay in bed? I don’t think she feels too well.” Knowing it would be a long shot, she still gave it a try. 

The other side paused, just for a couple of second. Cage was clearly thinking about it, but then he refused. “No, everyone must come.” Then he hung up. 

Lexa changed into her suit in less than ten seconds and quickly arrived at the door, holding the blonde’s hand. “We need to get down there.” She tried to relax her shoulders and squeezed out a weak smile. “It’s gonna be ok. I got you.” As a form of comfort to herself, Lexa repeated in her head. 

 

The lobby was already packed with Cage’s people. The man himself was holding his arms in front of chest, and eyeing everybody. Lorelei sat on the sofa, she too, was observing the gathering with keen eyes. She looked saner today, but only god knows if she was going to flip out the next minute. 

When it seemed like all of the people had arrived, Cage cleared his throat, just a little cough, but the room immediately quieted down. Most of the men looked among themselves, not knowing what was the emergency. 

“Does any one of you know why the police can never get me?” He asked, his voice not too loud but with certain attitude that made him heard in front of all these men. “It’s because I play it safe. But now we have a rat in the house, making it a very, dangerous, game.” 

There were some gasps and murmurs in the crowd. Lexa didn’t say anything or make eye contact with the rest of the people. She just squeezed Clarke’s hand tighter in hers. 

“During the last few months, some of our routes are getting tracked down by the coppers. I also noticed a small leak on the east town account. I had a good hunch about who it is, but until today, I got no evidence to exercise my judgment.” He looked behind him, where Emerson was standing, and gave him a little nod. “That being said, now I have the evidence, so actions must be taken. I can’t sit back watching the rat chew us empty from the inside. Bring ’em out.” 

Emerson waved to his left, and four bouncers came out dragging two men on the floor, both beaten up and bleeding excessively. The people in the room soon made way for them. Two bloody lines stained the dust-free tiles as the men were dragged across the room to Cage’s feet. Then they were dropped heavily like sacks of potatoes on the floor. 

Clarke almost broke down in tears when she finally saw the blood covered face of the two men. One of them was Dax, the other one, she remembered from the files, was Dax’s voucher, Leonard. Dax was still squirming, so the bouncers continued kicking in his ribs, while Leonard seemed to have completely given up, lying there lifelessly. 

Lexa sensed the woman tensing up. She moved a little and took her into her arm. 

“It’s… it’s a misunderstanding…” Dax begged, barely making out a sentence with most of his teeth gone missing. The blood in his mouth gurgled and he coughed and spat out some, nearly staining Cage’s shoe—another mistake that earned him a few more kicks in the stomach. 

“A misunderstanding you say?” Cage faked a surprised look. He shot up one brow and squinted at the man closely as if he was not bothered by all the blood. “Well then, explain, how is that only your site got busted today? Coz, I can’t think of another person who could've told the uniform that I’d be there. Hmmm?” He stroke his chin and chuckled. A cruel chuckle it was. “Oh, and what about that extra fifty grand. Shouldn’t it be under my account? Unless it grew legs and ran into your little burse stashed in Guatemala?” 

“I’m sorry…! I’m sorry.” Dax squirmed in pain and begged.

“No no no, I’m sorry,” Cage suddenly lowered his voice, and crotched down beside Dax. “coz I’m going to break every single bone in your body, and throw you into Lake Michigan. Maybe you’ll get lucky some fishermen will find your body, maybe you’ll get eaten by the lake monster.” He stood up and nodded to the bouncers. 

The big men resumed their torture, bringing out a hammer to smash his femurs. 

Nobody even had to hold him down. Both his feet had holes in them, blackish red substance welling out of his shoes. When he attempted to climb away, Cage took out his handgun and shot him right in the back of his hands. And he screamed, like a pig being slaughtered. 

Clarke couldn’t look, or listen anymore. She buried her face in the crook of Lexa's neck and sobbed. Lexa herself was quite shaken up as well. She put her hand on the blonde woman’s back and stroke slowly as if it would do any help. 

“Please… please… let me go! There is another undercover! There is another! I can tell you who it is.” Suddenly Dax yelped. He lifted his face from the ground for an inch and looked around the room with his only eye. The other eye was so swollen, bleeding so much and the eye lid almost peeled off it was barely even hanging there. 

Just seeing his fucked up face, a young scut boy bent over and retched. 

Lexa was secretly panicking, she quickly but discreetly moved in front of the blonde, blocking her with her body. She had a feeling that Dax would try to drag the blonde into this mess. Clarke was such an easy target. So she wanted to make sure he couldn’t find her. 

However, Dax still did. He weakly lifted one arm and pointed with his broken index finger. “It’s… it’s her.”

Cage looked into the direction he was pointing at. And he saw Commander, who was looking back at him with her cold and calm eyes as if she was insulted. He was enraged even more. “Shut your fucking shit hole!” ****He stumped on Dax’s jaw and with a fearful amount of force, smashed his expensive leather shoe into the bone.

A loud clatter afterwards, Dax could only groan. His jaw was completely dislocated and broken and his teeth seemed to have slashed his tongue. More blood gurgled and flooded out of his mouth. 

Clarke peeped over Lexa's shoulder and found Dax staring at her with his bloodshot eye that lost its blueness. It scared her, like a stare from death itself. She quickly hid her face behind Lexa's back again. 

As the bouncer cracked another rib, Dax went limp. Nobody knew if he passed out because of the pain or he just died. Cage walked over to his body and poked him with his foot. Then like it didn’t affect him a bit, he took out his gun again, aimed, and put a bullet in his head. 

It was nothing like those violent scenes in the movies. The blood didn’t shoot out and make a splash on everything. It just ran down quietly from the bullet hole, and gathered around the body in a red pool. 

Lexa's throat nearly closed. Images of torturing and killing came back flooding just like the blood. She swallowed, with some difficulty. 

Just as the bouncers started to bag up the body, Lorelei suddenly spoke. “Wait. Maybe Eric wasn’t pointing at the Commander.” She had been watching the brunette this whole time, and as she appeared, she was having a good night. 

It soon captured everyone’s attention. 

Cage buckled his gun back to his belt and squinted at Lexa. He slowly walked up to her, who stood still under his stare. “Is that true?” His voice was like it came right out of his chest, a thick and low roar. 

Lexa didn’t budge for even a bit. She stood before him, in between Clarke and the furiously composed man. “No.” 

“Hey, I even saw their little rendezvous in the back yard, all naked and noisy and stuff.” Lorelei started her tale telling to distort truth. “Hmmm, maybe she’s another little rat.” 

“You’re lying.” Lexa of course wouldn’t believe a single word coming from the crazy woman. “And mind if I ask what were you doing in the back yard, with Andrew, hmm?” 

Lorelei’s smug smirk immediately disappeared. 

Cage wasn’t in the mood for the crap from his wife. He just wanted to get pass Commander by staring her down, but the woman just stared right back at him, with her unemotional eyes and frozen facial expression, telling him she didn’t like it when he questioned her loyalty and her woman. “Move.” The single word exchange was like a flash of a match that could easily light up the palpable dynamites in the air. 

“I won’t.” Lexa clenched her jaw, still holding Clarke’s hand behind her back. “She is traumatized and I won’t let you interrogate my woman.” 

“Commander—” Cage was a bit surprised by her stubbornness. It was a first for him and Lexa. He had never met anyone who just dismissed his demand and challenged him right in the eyes. 

“Boss, if you question her, you’re questioning me.” Lexa used her other hand to pull out her own handgun from the holster and handed it over to him. “And if I ever did anything to make you question me, just shoot me in the head I wouldn’t say a word.” 

There was no reason for him to be doubting her. Cage was actually impressed and stunned by this fearless woman. She was truly one of the best he had and why would he ever want to take advice from a rat. He nodded, and backed down. “I would never question you, Commander. Just—ok, Callie, my apologies.” He felt a little guilty when he saw the blonde was sobbing and Commander took her in for a comforting embrace. 

Lexa was speechless, with herself. What the heck did she just pull off, and how the heck did it work? The man handed back her gun and even apologized to her through his crystal eyes. But right now there were things more important to take care of. Clarke was having a hard time after all, she looked as if she might break down any moment, and Lexa must take her back to the bedroom. 

Lorelei was raging with jealousy. Her plan to take out the blonde nurse didn’t work but she was not to give up. “I say Callie should try out our new stuff, you know, to calm down a little bit, and since you’re part of the family now, why not join the celebration for cleaning out the house rat?” She wandered over and pulled open a drawer full of samples from the latest import. 

Cage had no objections to that. He loosed up his tie and was ready for a good time. 

Clarke watched in horror as they all herded around the living room and got comfortable, ignoring the pools of blood on the lobby floor. How could people just be ok with it? But then she saw one guy taking a smoke from the paper roll with shaky hand, and another one was clicking repeated at the lighter, it dawned on her. The calm and relax were faked out of fear. The only ones who were completely comfortable in the room might only be Cage and Lorelei. They wanted to shoot her up with drugs. Well there was no way out of this, she supposed. This would be the trade off, for her life. But the fact that Lexa was by her side offered her comfort. 

Lorelei went to get a syringe in high spirit, and when she came back, she had it filled with concentrated cocaine that would hopefully kill the blonde woman. If she OD’d, Commander would be hers eventually. With a way too sweet smile, she returned to Clarke’s side and rolled up her sleeve. It made her more jealous to see the smooth, needle mark-free arm, and the beautiful veins on the woman. “Such a pretty arm you got here, Callie.” After this… it wouldn’t be pretty anymore. It’d be grey, cold, dead. As she just pushed a quarter of the content into Clarke’s arm, Lexa suddenly clutched her hand and pulled the thing out. “It’s her first time. I think it’s quite enough.” 

“No it’s not!” Not enough to kill her. Lorelei puffed and huffed. 

Cage rubbed his temples and waved his hand in tiresome. “That’s enough, Lorelei. Let them be.” 

While the first few minutes after the injection, Clarke felt fine, as she sat and watched all the other people walking and smoking and drinking and talking around her, she felt her world swirling upside down. And the taste of blood in the air, it was making her sick. She wouldn’t have to look into the mirror to know she was turning pale. Lexa's concerned eyes only confirmed that. 

“That’s it, let’s go back.” Lexa decided enough was enough. She picked the woman up to her feet and draped a supportive arm at her waist. When Cage looked over to them, she forced a wink. “Mind if I take the celebration back to my bedroom?” 

He chuckled, a bit loaded with intoxicants, and tilted his wine glass in her direction. “I toast to that.” 

Lorelei watched them go with red eyes. She had to concede to this defeat. 

 

“It’s ok, you’re ok.” Helping the blonde walk up the stairs, Lexa finally allowed herself to feel the fear from moments ago. “That’s it, that’s it, good girl. We’re almost there… Keep—keep going. You’re fine.” Her voice was shaking and so were her hands. 

Clarke felt the strong hands trying to guide her, but she just couldn't take it anymore. Everything around her was floating, crashing against each other, and merging into one giant spiraling wheel, Lexa's voice was distant, then too close and too loud. She wanted to laugh, she wanted to cry, she wanted to scream from the bottom of her lungs. And her legs gave out, in the middle of the stairs. She tripped and landed on her arms. 

“Jesus! Are you ok, baby?” Lexa hurriedly helped her up to her feet and checked if she cracked a bone or something. If her whole body was not shaking in cold sweat like right now, she would probably be able to pick the slender woman up and carry her on the last few stairs. But she herself was in no shape for such endeavor. “Come on, we’re almost there, just a few more steps.” 

It took them another five minutes of stumbling to finally get back in their room. The first thing Clarke did was running into the bathroom and starting to throw up. She had not had lunch, and barely any breakfast except for the glass of milk. But she just kept throwing up, like she would throw her whole inside out. 

Lexa sat next to her by the toilet and held her hair, feeling the burning in her stomach like it was her own suffering. 

When the urge to gag eventually soothed, Clarke was heaving, her face was alarmingly pale and every muscle in her body hurt like hell. If it was what it felt to be on drugs, she didn’t understand why people do it. “Lexa…” She was picked up gently, and tucked in bed. But the harrowing sensation was acute as boiling blood flushed everywhere. Her medical instincts told her to go to a hospital because whatever was in that syringe was way too strong and was probably killing her. 

“Yes, yes I’m here.” 

“I need…” Extremely dehydrated, she tried to speak couple of times, but her windpipe scratched like it was on fire. 

Lexa ran off to get her some cold water. “Ok, here you go.” She looked on with anguish as the blonde took a large gulp from the water and coughed most of it out. 

“I think I need an iv…” Clarke held one arm over her eyes. “I… I need an iv.” 

Lexa suddenly remembered the medication kit she just brought home for Lorelei. “Ok, ok I think we have one of those.” 

“The… sodium nitroprusside. Do you have it?” It should be in Lorelei’s prescription because of her constant exposure to cocaine. 

Lexa fumbled through bags of saline solution and antibiotics, and at the same time picked out needles, tubes and bandages. “Sodium… nitroprusside, ok, ok I got it.” She put the bag in Clarke’s palm, with the gauze, needle, and tape. 

The blonde picked up the supply, but put them down quickly. “I can’t, I can’t focus.” She caught Lexa's hand and put it on her arm. “You do it.” 

“What? I… I never started an infusion line before. I can… I can give you a, a sc shot but I can’t…” Lexa started to panic for what seemed to be the third time today. She was never known to be the one who panic. 

“It’s ok, it’s ok, Lexa. It’s just like intravenous injection.” She picked out what looked like a tourniquet. It shouldn’t be so hard since…well since everyone in this house probably knew how to shoot cocaine up in their veins. 

With much hesitation and desperation, Lexa picked up the tourniquet and tied it on the blonde woman’s arm. Soon a bouncy vein popped up. She rubbed the area with alcohol. 

“Ok, good, push the lidocaine in the 30 gauge needle, just underneath the skin,” Clarke watched, even though everything was still floating around her. “now push in the needle, parallel advance.” 

Lexa tried to understand what that meant, and will her hand to stop shaking. 

“Good, good it’s great.” Clarke held some pressure on her arm and told Lexa to lose the tourniquet. Once the bondage was loosed, blood soon shot out from back of the cannula. 

“Holy shit what’s happening?” Lexa put more pressure on the vein to stop the bleeding. 

“It’s ok, just back flush, it’s completely normal, means you’re in.” Clarke smiled, even in this unlikely moment, she found the brunette adorable. Maybe it was the drug in her system, or it wasn’t, but at this second, she loved this nervous, messy and mumbling Lexa. “Now just hook the tube to the cannula. And tape the plaster on.”  

Lexa did exactly what she was told and checked again and again for any laceration or bleeding. When finally she convinced herself that it was a nice handiwork, she felt that she could breathe again. “Don’t ever ask me to do that again.” Shaking her head with a small laughter of relief, she bent down and placed a light kiss on Clarke’s hair. 

“I think you just graduated nursing school.” Clarke closed her eyes so she’d feel less disoriented, but somehow out of her control, she started giggling at her own joke. Effect of the recreational drug was surfacing. 

“And I think you’re very high now.” Lexa sat next to the bed and held the pale hand. “Settle down, it’ll be over before you know it.” She had never been the nurturing type, but with Clarke, she wanted to do everything, to keep her safe, to make her happy. _“God I’m smitten.”_ Yet she didn’t detest this feeling. 

Although it didn’t seem like she could sleep after yesterday, she still dozed off in the never-ending swirling. The bed became a cloud and she weighed no more than a piece of leaf. She was drifting in the wind, feeling like it could easily carry her away. Clarke winced, she was acrophobic. But there was something that kept her grounded in her sleep. Something tugged at her hand to prevent from flying loose. 

Lexa held her hand when she sensed the turbulence in her illusory daymare. She threaded her fingers with Clarke’s. The simple act, too, gave her a great amount of comfort, after everything, every hardship and every perilous undertaking they had been through in the past two days. To be in love with someone suspicious was dangerous, fatal even, but not to be in love would just kill her from the inside. “I love you, Clarke. I’ve always been in love with you.” She whispered against Clarke’s hand and laid a gentle kiss there. 

Maybe the words casted a magic spell on the blonde. She fell into a deeper slumber where everything surrounding her was warm and safe. She scooted further into the covers and settled down under the loving stare of the brunette woman. 

The bag of solution gradually ran out. Lexa gingerly pulled out the iv and stuck a little bandaid on the small needle wound. She looked around, checked the clock, only a little after dinner time, yet it felt like late in the night. It had been several peaceful hours just watching Clarke sleep. She stretched a little, and went to clean up the bathroom floor. 

Cleaning madly gave her time to revisit today’s event and momentarily embrace her feelings. It was therapeutic for her. Lexa surely needed it after today. The enormous amount of fear was overwhelming. So she scrubbed, and scrubbed, envisioning the smudge and dirt on her floor were her fear, and she wiped them clean so it did not get too unbearable.

 

Not until Lexa had finished scrubbing every piece of tile in her bathroom, and picked up her little poem booklet, did Clarke stir awake. 

She didn’t say anything, just watched the brunette read in silence. Lexa took off her suit and shirt, and had only her white tank top on with her pajama pants. It was quite a sight. Clarke felt drawn inevitably to the admirable physique the she possessed. 

The drug wore off, and her mind had never been clearer. This made her realize that the feeling she had earlier wasn’t because of the drug. It was real, all along. She closed her eyes, tears welling up. It took her a long time to realize that because she was scared, but today, Lexa must have been scared too. Yet, with all the threatening and fear, Lexa stood fearlessly, in front of her, stood fearlessly between her and the face of death. And she took care of her, she was there to pick her up and protect her. If that was not love, she didn’t know what could be. Nothing made sense other than loving this woman back with her whole heart. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I claim that I'm a skilled cook, while I slash my finger on every single knife in the kitchen.


	7. I don't feel like I'm falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't feel like falling, I'm up against the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I wrote this chapter, I had "Gold" by Wake Owl playing on loop.

_“Clarke, don’t do anything stupid.”_ Lieutenant Jaha said that to her once. Was this stupid? Falling in love with Lexa? Maybe it was in so many ways. But she didn’t even feel like she was falling. It felt like she was up against the sky. So for once, stupid she’d be, because there was no better feeling than this stupidity could bring. 

When the tears dispersed, she opened her eyes again, and saw Lexa had closed the book and was watching her intently. Those big doe eyes instantly lit up. “How’re you feeling?” 

“Mmm, better.” There was a little soreness in her arm but it wasn’t too terrible. Clarke scooted to the edge of the bed and drank a bit more of the water. 

“Do you want a shower?” Lexa looked sympathetically at the messy blonde hair. Clarke looked like hell, still pale and breakable, but one beautiful hell she was. 

“Yeah, I feel disgusting.” She cringed her nose to demonstrate her point. 

“You look stunning.” Lexa wandered into the bathroom to start the hot water as she muttered to herself. 

Clarke heard her. She smiled and found herself in a spirit for a bit of teasing. “What was it?” 

“Nothing, come on in.” The water heated up and the vapor wreathed the room. She tested the water to see if it was warm enough. “Sorry I don’t have a tub. Maybe I should order one, some day…”

Lexa had a clip in her hair instead of her usual braids, but it fell off a bit and got lost in her rich wavy curls. Clarke watched as it loose up and fall. She walked behind the woman, and her fingers found their way to the woman’s thick brown threads. Like a gentle caress, she picked the little clip out of her hair. 

The touch made the brunette shudder. It felt different, than any of the touches, yet not so different. She cherished every touches Clarke gave her, and this one, this one was special, like Clarke cherished her as well. All of a sudden, she assumed a new sense of shyness. She straightened herself up, and turned around to look into the mesmerizing sky blue pools through the mystifying fog. “I’ll… give you some privacy.” 

“Ok.” 

But neither moved. 

 

Clarke locked her eyes with Lexa, trying to find something in the gentle stare. And she found it with ease. She found love. It was all it took to convince her that she was not crazy or stupid. She was just in love. 

Lexa bit on her lower lip as she watched Clarke discard her shirt, her pants, then pull off the tank top underneath, and at last, unfasten her bra and slid out her underwear. 

The little pieces of garment fell to the ground while the Lexa’s breath picked up. She wanted to look at somewhere else, she wanted to remain respectful, but her eyes just wouldn’t allow it. They lingered, over the exquisite neck, on the delicate collar bone, around the perfect breasts, and arrived at the little metal necklace that rested gracefully in the valley. 

Clarke walked pass her, stepped into the shower cube, but not into the water. She gave the brunette time, to look at her. 

The sight of Clarke’s behind ravished her eyes. Lexa imagined tasting the smoothness of the skin, kissing the little dimples on her lower back, even sinking her teeth gently into the round and curvy backside. The pure thought of it had her face burn up. She was blushing, the Commander with a rigid heart and a iced face, was blushing. The facade of the serenity was crumbling, and the tangible thickness of their tension arrived at a point of breaking. 

“Come here.” ****Clarke smiled, looking back to the woman. She reached out her hand, and waited patiently for Lexa to take a step closer.

Bewitched, the brunette stalked over, and slid her hand into Clarke’s. She stood inches away behind the blonde, and traced her other hand to the woman’s shoulder blade, then played a little with the fine little metal chain on the back of her neck. “You sure it’s ok?” 

Lexa's warm breath tickled her senses. Clarke leaned back to the warmth, and tilted her head. Her lips quickly found their longing partner. She let the eager tongue in and started the sensual dance at their favorite pace, neither too fast, nor too slow. Her chin was lifted by the brunette so their kiss could deepen, but of course, it was not deep enough. Soon she was spun around and held closely in those strong arms.  

Lexa moaned into the kiss. She enwrapped the woman so tightly that their bodies could merge into one. Her hands wandered, gently but boldly all over Clarke’s behind, kneading the soft flesh with just the right amount of force to make the blonde weak in her knees. 

Again, the tingling sensation as if she were falling. But Clarke was not afraid, she let it run through her blood and bones because she knew Lexa would be there to catch her. She backed into the shower, and the hot water poured down on her body. It was not as hot as Lexa's hands. She pulled the surprised woman in as well, chuckling to see her clothes instantaneously soaked. But soon her laughter died down. Lexa's white tank top was now a see-through, and what she saw, boy wasn’t that a sight. 

The water ran all over her. Lexa shook her head at the mischievous woman in her arms. She never expected her to be so daring. Though inexperienced, Clarke was a pleasant surprise. Like matches met gasoline, the slender fingers were starting fires everywhere they touch, a kind of fire that could not be put out by water. 

“Take it off.” Clarke whispered against her lips, and lifted the tank top slightly up above her waist. While Lexa struggled to peel off the drenched cloth, she indulged herself into the softness of the darker complexion, where the generosity of the sun was evident in those tan lines. Her hands found the a trace of black pattern on both sides of the taut waist. She gasped, and followed the ink line to a fuller image of a dragon with snarling edges and corners lodged across the expanse of Lexa’s back. She had seen a mysterious design wrapped around the woman’s strong bicep, and another smaller symbol on the inside of her elbow. But it never occurred to her, that Lexa had inked her back with such a fierce creature. 

It was as if she liked that kind of pain, so when the needle carved into her flesh, Lexa found a momentary relief from reality through corporal suffering. 

Her heart was incredibly tight at the thought. Clarke dusted her fingertips on the intricate design, leaving trails of goosebumps on the scarred skin. She studied the dragon closely, silently, trying to comprehend the agony it suffered from, so one day, she could absorb it, bear it with Lexa, bear it for Lexa. 

Hot water kept running down her shoulders, her chest, her whole body but she still shivered in excitement. Her senses were highly alerted to notice the lightest ghosting of fingers bestowed upon her body. Lexa turned around in her arms, lips twitched, eyes foggy at her grim expression. “Clarke—” 

“Shhh…” ****The blonde whimpered in acknowledgement. She launched a hungry kiss on Lexa's pulse point.

“Mmm…” ****So she abandoned whatever she had in mind and moaned instead. It was a rare occasion for her to be at loss of words. However, she sure remembered what she wanted to do to please her woman.

Clarke jumped against the stronger woman when she felt Lexa slid a hand in between her thighs and cupped her sex. The brunette didn’t even have to move to make her fall all over her. 

Lexa smiled, wrapped the blonde from underneath her arm to provide balance, and rubbed her hands back and forth in the secretive place she found at the apex of those snowy legs. There, she felt the warm liquid that had a different texture than the water. It was smooth and slippery, coating her fingers. 

This was torture, sweet sweet torture, to have the sly fingers teasing her opening but not entering her. A small groan rolled out from the back of her throat. Clarke hissed through her teeth when Lexa again purposefully missed her aching clit. She needed Lexa to take her, take all of her, but she was rather shy to voice her needs. So she just held on to the brunette tighter, resumed their kiss, and ground into the touch. 

Of course Lexa read her body language, and found the little impatience and desperation lovely. “Tell me what you want…” She said in between kisses. 

“You know what I want.” 

“Just ask for it.” ****Lexa encouraged her. At the same time, she wanted to be reassured that it was what Clarke really wanted.

“I want you… to make love to me.” She said it, and momentarily withdrew from their kiss. “Please…?”

There were some sparkles in those limpid green eyes. “Since you asked nicely—” ****But she was effectively interrupted by another intense kiss. She let her hand explore more, discovering the sensitive little organ hidden in the soft folds with her thumb, and massaging the tight opening to ease two fingers in. The warmth that enveloped her digits was heavenly.

Clarke moaned and dug her fingers into the supple tissue she found on Lexa's back. She spread her legs further to allow the exploring hand. And as the fingers eased in for a mere inch so not to hurt her, she grew a bit impatient. “In—inside.”

Tight but soft muscles flexed under her careful maneuver. Lexa could feel the pulsing of the little knob, pleading for attention, and the contracting that welcomed her digit, she could almost hear the wanton sounds of their grinding. Her elevated senses magnified everything and it was causing the hot honey seeping out of her core, mingling with the hot water running through the material of her underwear and pajama pants. It was not exactly a satisfying sensation, but it excited her nevertheless. She pushed her fingers all the way in, and dragged along the spongy walls on her way out. 

Clarke cried, out of the indescribable ecstasy the act brought her. The feeling of Lexa's thumb pressing precisely on the sensitive little organ that held thousands of nerve endings, and those long and talented fingers hitting her G-spot without missing a single beat, they were gradually pushing her to the edge. She took notes, in the way Lexa pleased her, for she wanted to give the brunette what she received from her. “Lexa…Lexa fas—faster…” ****She whimpered and made her humble request that was met by enthusiasm.

Lexa could tell the blonde was coming to an explosive orgasm, it was exactly when she sped up, her hand clashing into the woman’s hips and making louder noises. Suddenly Clarke’s smooth inner walls clasped down around her fingers, pushing her hand out. She held steady and thrusted one more time. 

Clarke screamed. Her entire body shook as the greatest pleasure hit her wave after wave. It was something she could not control. She jerked and squirmed, letting the climax ride out. Then her knees almost gave in. But Lexa held her with a steady hand gently cupping her sex. 

“Good girl… good girl, shhh it’s ok.” ****The brunette understood Clarke had become too sensitive after her orgasm, so she just held her, feeling the pulsing eventually soothed down. The red lines from Clarke’s finger nails swelled and burned under hot running water but it was not entirely an unwelcome sensation.

 

Water ran through the small gap in between their bodies, it damped their hair, made the gold threads and dark waves intertwine together. Clarke nudged her nose to the brunette’s neck and counted the heartbeat thudding underneath the luscious muscle. It was like an invitation, for her to suck and lick on the jumping point. Quite successfully, a whimpering exhale was drawn out of the woman. 

Lexa didn’t expect the blonde to recover this quickly. She just realized what Clarke was trying to do to her when a slender hand snuck into her pants. “Clarke! What are you doing?” 

“I want to know how you feel.” ****Clarke chuckled at the exhilarated reaction from the brunette. She slid her hand further until her fingers dipped into the nice and warm pond of sensual desire. She had never felt another woman like this, never to know how silken and sweet the touch could be. “You’re so wet, Lexa…” So wet and ready that it urged her to do something about it.

She had no idea what Clarke was doing to her, but she let her anyway. Lexa closed her eyes and panted, trying to fathom the fact that Clarke wanted to take her. All she could do was to give. 

To see someone always in control give out under the loving stroking and caressing, it gave Clarke a new level of high. Her kisses trailed down the beautiful neck to the little hollow that gathered a small pool of droplets between the collar bones, and then to the heaving chest, finally arrived to the soft bosoms. Strong as Lexa had disciplined herself to be, the feminine appeal of her appearance was undeniable. Clarke found her addicted to the softness as she laid open mouth kisses on the breast, and circled her tongue around the hardened nipple. 

The brunette moaned as Clarke feasted on her. She held the woman by the back of her neck to keep her close. The build up from delivering a satisfying orgasm for the blonde already had her on the breaking edge. She just needed the smallest amount of encouragement to fall completely over. 

And the encouragement was exactly what Clarke gave her. She tentatively pushed two fingers in, feeling the woman tremble, then she started a pace, which she assumed Lexa would enjoy. 

It wasn’t about the pace, or precision for that matter, just having the blonde exploring was enough for her. The familiarizing process was the most exciting. An accidental graze on the sensitive spongy spot, a brief relief of pain on her clit, were all it took to drive her to the most beautiful euphoria. 

But it was not at all enough for Clarke. She studied every change in the brunette’s body and memorized what brought the most dramatic response. She learned, to please Lexa, to love Lexa. And judging by the louder and louder moans, she was on the track to be an excellent lover. 

“… Clarke!” ****Her stomach fluttered and her thighs tensed. It was her own body giving her the cue that it was the moment. Lexa braced herself against the wall and embraced the flooding climax.

Clarke wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do, so she just held the brunette, as closely as possible, like Lexa did for her. 

 

They stayed that way for a long time, so long that both of their heartbeat returned to normal and the only sound heard in the room was the running water splashing on the tiles. Then Lexa relaxed her arms and pulled slightly away from their tight embrace. She stepped out of her pajama pants and undergarments, reached to the small glass platform installed in the cube for some shampoo, gathered a handful of rich bubbles and lathered them to Clarke’s hair. 

Clarke let her wash her hair. She closed her eyes to the careful massage on her scalp. Then Lexa reached the sprinkler to rinse the bubbles out of her tresses, the water adding a darker shade to her blondness. And it was her turn. Her hand weaved through the thick brown curls. She enjoyed every moment of washing Lexa's hair. It felt like silk around her fingers. 

Meanwhile Lexa squeezed a generous amount of shower gel for them both. She started a bit below Clarke’s ears and made sure her hand rubbed the scented foam into every inch of the pale skin. 

They washed themselves in silence because there was no need for words. They exchanged loving caresses, sensual kisses and intense stares. 

The smell of her own shampoo on Clarke gave her a great sense of completeness. She felt her heart was whole again. This completeness was so rare that it made no sense. She never understood that, until now. And it could only mean one thing. “I love you.” 

Clarke paused hearing it. The sentence was spoken so gingerly and softly, like a breeze on the spring water, ripples everywhere, that it seemed surreal. 

“I don’t want you to panic, and I don’t expect you to say it back, I just want you to know.” ****Lexa whispered, pleaded that Clarke wouldn’t run away. Her breath was shivering, a glimmer of anxiety and fear scratched her voice cord.

“I love you too.” ****She paused, not because she was not ready, but because she wanted to take it all in. But the insecurity in Lexa's voice broke her heart. She got to know, Lexa got to know that she was feeling exactly the same way.

“You do?” The jade lakes smiled, points of light dancing in her pupils, and fireflies in her night. 

Lexa should smile more, because that kind of light in those electrifying green orbs really suited her better. When she looked into them, she saw forest, acres after acres, boundless, stretching to the very last corner of the ground, home of an ageless spirit, agentle soul. Clarke thought to herself, and brought her arms around the taller woman’s neck to affirm her confession. 

 

And again, the kiss started it all. All Lexa wanted to do was to make sweet, passionate love to her all the time. Clarke yelped as she felt Lexa speedily kissing down her body, sucking her skin every once in a while and leaving red marks all the way. In no time, the mop of brown hair arrived at her lower belly and thecharging potential running in her spine made the blonde grab on to the shower handle. It instantly turned cold and she screamed while Lexa shouted in laughter to turn it off. 

Without the water cascading down their bodies, Lexa had a clearer view at what was presented in front of her. She gratefully took it in with eager eyes. And she could smell her, a primitive, sensual, delicious scent blended with the flowery of the body wash. 

Clarke was immediately red from her chest to her face the second she realized the brunette was smelling her. She tried to close her legs but Lexa put a firm hand in between them. The brunette laid kisses on the supple thigh before holding one leg over her shoulder and supporting the woman at her bottom with another hand. 

The first contact was the tip of her nose. Lexa nudged with tenderness to the delicate folds and inhaled. Clarke jumped at the tickling breath. The brunette smiled sensing the voluptuous butt tense up in her hand. Then it was her tongue, a nice and long lick at the pink slit to make the blonde jump even harder. But she had the confidence to bear the weight, and she was determined for a taste. So she pressed her talented tongue harder.A taste she earned. It was a little salty first, at the tip of her tongue, but as she gathered more of the limpid juice, the aftertaste was sweet, pure, and mellow. Accompanied by the angelic whimpers and sensuous moans from above, for one second, she thought she had died and gone to heaven. _“Ahh, I could do this for years…”_ Lexa thought, and sought for even more. 

Clarke, although shy, couldn’t help her own response. She ground her hips with urgency and met the rhythm of the movements of Lexa's very skilled and capable piece of muscle. And somehow her hand found its way to the damp brown hair, holding the woman steadily in place. It would’ve shamed herself if she had not known how good this act would feel. 

With one hand helping the blonde balance above her, Lexa had her other hand between her own legs and stroking in sync with their sexy dual. She had never done this before, nor had she planed it, but it was something she wanted to try. To be able to come together with the woman of her dreams meant something so significant that no other pleasure was comparable. 

As she approached the highest point, Clarke grabbed the hair in her fist tighter and motioned the brunette to move faster. So the pace was picked up with more strength of each stroke. She held her breath, with her mouth open but not a sound coming out, and the orgasm hit her, like a tsunami, stirring the ocean of her inner peace but at the same time, clearing her sky for sunshine to beat down on her. 

Lexa came within seconds, riding her own fingers fast and hard. But she didn’t let her own climax hinder the progress of drawing out Clarke’s orgasm as long as it comfortably could. 

The ceiling and the floor crumbled and shattered for a while before they could even grasp a sense on what just happened. And it took even longer for them to relax. Clarke lowered herself while Lexa withdrew a little to let her sit. 

When Lexa kissed her, she tasted herself for the first time. Clarke had never tried it before, for she found it embarrassing and unsanitary. But with Lexa, it was everything she never ever imagined, it was sensual, intimate, daring, arousing, yes arousing even though she was so tired out her legs could start cramping at any second. In Lexa's arms, she felt warm and safe, after such an audacious and personal moment. 

 

The shower cube now was filled with spent passion, which was something rare after a shower, but it didn’t bother the women. They were just glad that all of it happened. 

“Was it good for you?” ****Clarke asked shyly, resting her head against Lexa's shoulder.

The brunette widened her eyes and chuckled. “Are you kidding me?” 

“No…?” 

“Was it good for you?” ****She knew by the sounds the blonde was making that she was pretty impressive herself.

Clarke giggled. “Earth-shattering.” 

“Well then you know how I feel.” ****Lexa nibbled on her ear and grazed the flesh in between her teeth as a symbol of punishment. Then she reassured the woman drawing small circles on her back. “You’re an amazing lover, and a fast learner.”  
“You sounded surprised.” ****Clarke backed a little to look into the brown eyes and saw the bright glimmer in them. She creased her nose in a way so cute that the brunette just wanted to plant a kiss on it.

“Well you were a pleasant surprise.” Lexa leaned forward to softly touch her lips to the nose, and then she teased. “And under my superb instruction, I’m sure you’ll be even better.” 

“Your superb instruction.” Clarke laughed, venturing for another kiss. “Confident in yourself, hmm?” 

“Let’s see… someone just said it was ‘earth-shattering’, as I quote.” 

It made the blonde blush and laugh harder. She had never anticipated this playfulness from the brunette. “You were a pleasant surprise yourself.” 

“Uh-huh, I take it as a compliment.” Lexa awarded her one more kiss before she got up. “Come on, we need to get out.” ****She laid her palms up to show how wrinkled her fingers had become.

They got out, dried each other up, and stepped over the clothes lying all over the place. Lexa shrugged and decided that they could be left there for a night. She put on a set of pajama and marveled as Clarke pulled out one of her shirt. It was two sizes larger and it hung longer over the woman’s bottom, minimally covering her. She shook her head to remind herself that it was too much for one day, by tomorrow, they’d both be too sore to function. So she went to snatch some food from the fridge. 

 

However, after snacking on some fruit and cheese curds, Clarke’s hands were wandering again on the brunette’s body. Of course Lexa couldn’t say no to such an invitation. In the luxury their bed provided, she uncaged her raging yearnings that had been kept buried. Once a dormant beast awaken, it possessed a power to ravage the blonde. But Lexa was thoroughly gentle, she was always gentle to Clarke, and Clarke only. 

 

The lovemaking was new, exciting, and way too good for them to call it a night. Nearly at the crack of dawn, the brunette collapsed down after a long and hard orgasm they shared. Several seconds later, she moved from on top of the blonde to the spot next to her. She scooted in from her behind and tasted the little salty bead of sweat residing on the delicate neck. “Oh my god, we need to stop.” Both of her wrists were sore, maybe she had developed carpal tunnel over night, and the muscles in her thighs were convulsing involuntarily. Gladly they were not in the bathroom anymore or she’d slip and fall on her ass. 

Their skin stuck together after so many rounds of intense exercises. But it didn’t bother them. All they were feeling was the closeness and the amazingly, torturously, painful afterglow. 

“Yeah, I agree… I’m in no shape to move a finger…” Clarke looked down her own body and saw the evidence of their craze. Hickeys, finger prints, even bite marks were decorations of her porcelain skin. 

Lexa was no better, especially on her backside. The blonde repeatedly trailed her fingernails across that area. The scratch marks felt hot on her skin, they must be red and swollen right now. However, the tingling aches were a reminder for this spontaneous but splendid event, and she’d wear them proudly everywhere like her fierce tattoo. “Ok, ok come here.” ****She moved closer as if there were still space to be closer, cradling the woman. “I’m sorry.”

“Why, Lexa? You’ve nothing to be sorry for.” Clarke wanted to turn around to face the brunette but it seemed like a painful undertaking right now. 

Lexa sighed heavily. “I’m sorry, Clarke, you deserve so much better. A normal person can do so much for her girlfriend, take her out on dates, dinner, romance her with flowers, candlelights… I can’t do that for you.” 

Clarke considered her words. She didn’t care about candlelights and fancy dates, but she knew what Lexa meant. Yes, this was an incredibly difficult and impossible situation, she didn’t know what was going to happen, she didn’t know how to continue her investigation, but she knew what her heart desired, she knew she couldn’t go through another day without Lexa. A reluctant smile tugged at her lips. She didn’t want to think about it anymore, so she changed the heavy subject with a playful inquiry. “Did you just call me your girlfriend?” 

The brunette halted, then a tiny smile of the same curve registered on her lips. “Pardon me, I didn’t ask first… Will you be my girlfriend?” 

Clarke chuckled into her palm. Of course, Lexa made it perfectly clear when she claimed that she was “her woman” in a room of vicious criminals waiting to behead her. _“Well, then I guess that means I’m her girlfriend.”_ “Yes.” 

“Good then, ‘girlfriend’…” Lexa tasted the word and decided that it sounded just right. Her hand wandered up, to cup the blonde’s breast, and rolling the nipple between her fingers, then it grazed down, across the flat stomach, the belly button, further and further to a sacred valley. 

“Oh no no no we need to stop.” Clarke squirmed, trying to avoid the unavoidable contact that would lead to some other unavoidable things. 

“But you’re my girlfriend…” Lexa purred in her sexy sultry voice and pleaded. “Please… just one more time.” 

It was all it took for the blonde to lose her resolution. Every beat of her heart, every heave of her chest, every tingle in between her legs was out of control so she closed her eyes and trusted Lexa to takeover. As she climbed steadily to the highest clouds, exploded, and fell back in pieces, she heard the brunette whisper beside her ear, “I love you”, then, it didn’t feel like falling.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A mosquito kept me up all night yesterday, it's significantly smarter than me because I still haven't caught it.


	8. Not your fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lapse in space and time, where reality is escaping Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the part of angst. But don't lose faith, folks!

“Ringgg—ringgg—ringg—” the alarm chirped once, twice, and continued on its third time tenaciously. A small groan was heard in the room and a tanned arm stretched out from the pillow to shut down the annoying device. The pouring sunlight was warm and golden, caressing the exquisiteness that limb possessed. In the light, the fine hair on the arm seemed almost fair. Soon the owner of that arm stirred a little, and found her previous position, which gave her the satisfaction of skin contact with the other woman in her bed. She inhaled the cozy air in her familiar surroundings contently and drifted off again. 

Clarke had been awake before the alarm set off, and observing the brunette in the golden light all morning. Sleep didn’t come so easily after she discovered the most beautiful masterpiece of nature when she accidentally opened her eyes today. 

Lexa was a true perfection, lying on top of the messy mattress with one hand tucked beside her head. Long lashes rested peacefully on her cheeks, nose a perfect angle to a sculptor’s scrutiny, lips still a little swollen, but the shade of red was something Clarke could not describe. The strong jaw line was an indicator for how determined the woman was, but on the slim neck, the slow visible beating in her jugular revealed her vulnerability. Half of her upper body was exposed to the air, yet the nakedness was everything but obscene—it was almost divine, in spite of the small wounds and faded marks from needle injections on the inside of her elbow. Chest rising and falling in a rhythm all too elegant, dark rosy areola and tender nipple glowed just like a blooming orchid of the same hue. 

She could watch her sleep like this all day. But what she couldn’t do was to resist the temptation of cupping a soft breast in one hand, and marveling as the tenderness pebbled. A small moan cut through the silence of their room. Clarke let her line of sight wander back up to Lexa's face, seeing the lashes flutter, and the lips parted just a bit to let the breath escape. 

Knowing fully well that the brunette had woken up to her touch, Clarke leaned in to steal a kiss, and biting the flesh delicately. When she pulled back, she crashed into the most loving and heartbreaking pair of emerald eyes. 

Those were the eyes that told her “I love you” last night, and they continued to speak in that sweet sweet manner. This was the woman she fell in love with. 

Clarke, at one point of her lonely life, was so convinced that she would never find someone like that. But Lexa had always been there, and she suddenly couldn’t remember her previous life anymore. 

“Hey beautiful.” Lexa's voice was still coarse, but she whispered the sentence so gently like a caress of spring breeze. She wrapped her hand on Clarke’s and pressed it harder to her chest, till the both of them could feel her heartbeat. 

_“I do love you, you know.”_ Before she even realized, the sentence rushed out of her mouth. 

Lexa was slightly taken aback by the declaration. But after the sound of it resonated in her ear, she felt the warmth stemming from the base of her ears, reaching all the way to her heart. Then she beamed a shy smile. “I know.” ****Pulling the blonde closer to her chest, she pressed a kiss on the rich golden threads as lightly as she could manage. Lexa sighed, she seemed to do that a lot, but this sigh was different. She was happy.

This short moment of intimate exchange was interrupted by an audible growl of someone’s stomach. Clarke laughed lightly, biting her bottom lip and burying her face in Lexa's neck, embarrassed. 

“I also know someone’s hungry.” ****Teasingly, the brunette snake her hand to the slender waist threatening for a tickle and enjoyed the way Clarke squirmed under her maneuver. She roamed her palm up and down the woman’s side roughly for contact, then plopped herself up. “C’mon, let’s go get some breakfast.”

Clarke’s eyes lingered as Lexa rolled off the bed and stood naked, stretching in the glowing sun. She seemed so confident and so at ease with her body, and the blonde absolutely adored and admired that. Not wanting to make the brunette feel self-conscious with her staring, she also pulled herself out from under the comforter, and inspected herself as well. She bruised easily and by the intensity of their love-making the previous night, it came as no surprise when she found the evidence on her pale skin. Just as she was to relish the delicious memory, Lexa was quick to her side, tracing a gentle finger on her neck, then her chest. 

“Was I too rough, baby? Does it hurt?”  

She shook her head vehemently. “You should see yourself.” Indeed, the brunette’s back was covered with red lines from her digging fingers, and the hickeys from overly enthused lips were turning a shade of purple. “I am a little bit sore though.” She mimicked the taller woman and exercised her muscle a little, a grimace appearing on her face. 

Lexa knew very well the reason for that. Her lips curved up to a satisfied grin, sparkles of playfulness dancing in her curious green orbs. She pressed her hands to the pale arms and massaged into the lean biceps. “Good kind of sore or bad kind of sore?” 

“Fucking fantastic-kind.” ****Clarke practically moaned into Lexa's semi-embrace. She rarely swore, but she couldn’t find another word to express her current state of gratification.

“Such a way with words.” A throaty chuckle was induced from the brunette, sending firing shivers up and down her spine. Clarke longingly eyed Lexa's naked form, the pulsing and aching in between her legs returned with a blast. She blushed profusely for being so insatiable. 

Lexa was incredibly sensitive to the vibe the other woman’s body was transmitting, and was highly aware of the reaction from her own body. But deciding they needed nutrition to function after some very demanding physical activities, she planted a chaste kiss on Clarke’s lips. “Come on, we have all day to ourselves.”

 

The air in the entire house was eerily calm, as if nothing happened the previous day. Any drop of blood was scrapped away, tiles shiny as ever, no sign of any deadly concoctions being cooked and snorted. But Clarke could feel the presence of death, hopelessness and despair, lurking in every dark corner. People with familiar faces walked in zombie mode, from heavy drinking and using, she presumed, and their expression utterly indifferent, numb from the brutality this place had witnessed. Each and every one of them trying to hide something, to escape who they really were. She avoided further eye contact with those people and turned to observe her lover. Lexa moved with determination through the scattered gather of criminals, peering at them with caution. They were either unconcerned or slightly intimidated by her appearance. Clarke supposed that yesterday the brunette, once again, declared her superiority to the crowd. While no one else seemed to be able to penetrate Lexa's stoic frontier, the blonde saw a glimmer of uncertainty blended with fear in those swirling lake green eyes. It went away as quick as it appeared but it was definitely there. Behind that flawlessly guarded surface, the woman she saw and connected with was the gentlest, most caring and vulnerable creature. 

“Commander.” ****A man acknowledged her, and glanced to Clarke. Soon he tore his gaze away for the brunette was squinting at him.

Drawing little attention to themselves, Lexa snatched some toast, ham and fruit from the kitchen and led their way back.  

 

The sight of a bunch of drug dealers downstairs was definitely an unpleasant interruption to their elevated mood. It pained the brunette so much to think about how she failed yet again to protect the woman she loved most from things so ugly—blood, death, and drugs. They had breakfast in relative silence and a new found speechlessness was transparent in the gap of air between them. Lexa was, very unlike herself, lost and hesitant at the strange atmosphere, while Clarke disliked the distance from her lover. Sitting down in the sofa, Lexa bit her lower lip as she watched the blonde stalk over, pick up her poem booklet, and rest her head in her lap. Her fingers immediately weaved in the blonde tresses. 

“Read me something, won’t you.” 

“What…do you wanna hear?” ****Asking, she already subconsciously arrived at the most worn-out page.

“I don’t know. Your favorite.” Clarke utterly enjoyed and relaxed under the slow massaging on her scalp. 

“Do you remember the poem we read in sophomore year?” Lexa let out a coarse chuckle, a weird feeling as she contemplated that her worst crush from teenage years was right here, all snuggled up in her lap. “Si me ves o no.”

The blonde closed her eyes and smiled. She was right, it was Lexa's favorite. 

As the melodious Spanish words rolled off the brunette woman’s tongue, the poem came alive. Clarke could hear the beating heart of the most loyal lover; feel her dedication through the warmth of her soft skin; and see the unconditioned, raw, and blatant yet elegantly expressed emotions in her forest eyes. This person, this loyal, dedicated, elegant lover, became the only thing that meant everything in the universe, and the rest of the world faded into background noise.

She looked up at the expressive green orbs, and easily identified the sweetest sadness. It was not easy, painful even, to imagine the times when Lexa read it to herself. After a long but comfortable, appropriate silence, she found the larger hand and laced their fingers together. “Lexa, I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” Asking softly, the brunette traced her thumb across the pale hand, ready to forgive just about anything the blonde ever did. 

“For everything.” Clarke shivered gently. “For the brutal things my friends said to you, for the kids that treated you so awfully, for not taking your side when I should.” 

Lexa audibly swallowed. She hadn’t thought about her childhood bullies for a long time. “It wasn’t your fault, none of it was your fault. Kids, they learn everything from their parents, and in a small town like that, people gossip.” She spoke as if they were talking about an entirely different person. 

“But you did nothing wrong.” Clarke protested. “It wasn’t fair.” 

“Life isn’t fair, Clarke.” She learned that way too many times. “I’m just one of its many victims.” 

The blonde sat up, not accepting her suddenly defensive attitude. She glared at the brunette, starting a staring contest. Yet to her surprise, the generally stubborn and hard-headed woman budged under her not-so-pleased gaze. 

This woman, allegedly cold-hearted woman, a criminal, was now putty in her hands, and she was having a hard time reacting to this new change. Well, change would be good sometimes, wouldn't it? 

“Lexa, I hurt you, didn’t I?” Her inquiry was soft and patient. Clarke cupped her lover’s chin to see the gentle green eyes dim. “It’ is my fault.” 

“No,” Lexa chewed her lower lip and weighed her words, “no it’s not, Clarke.” She took a deep breath and decided maybe to reveal the truth, well, a part of the truth. “My life was fucked up a long time before you. My dad, I don’t remember him, but people say he wasn’t a particularly good man. He used to beat my mother,”

Gasping, Clarke squeezed the hand in hers, “did he—?”

“No, he never touched me.” ****A relieved look on her lover’s face made the brunette smile for a second, “Whatever he was, he was still a father. We needed money, so he did things. It was no excuse though, for what he did.” She avoided details of his crime for it hurt too much to talk about. But Clarke already knew, from people back home and the older Woods’s criminal record, that the man murdered three people for money, killed two mafia usurers in self-defense, two police officers before arrested, and a pedestrian from a meth lab explosion. He was later beaten to death in prison, possibly from the grudging relatives of the mafia members. “So you see, my childhood was over the second he made those awful decisions.”

Clarke waited silently for her lover to continue. She wanted to know where did the brunette disappear to all these years, and how did she end up deep in a den full of drug dealers.

“Anyway, my mom and I moved to Mexico. For a while, things were ok. I went to school, my mom worked, and we could afford things.” 

Clarke was confused.

Lexa soon explained, “that was, until my mom died in an accident,” her lashes fluttered as tears pricked her eyes, “I lost everything, everyone I cared about. So I lived on the street, and hitch-hiked back to the states, bouncing between little cartels to make a living.” 

And Clarke could guess the rest. Civet took her under his wings, and let her drown in sorrow and oblivion drugs provided for a while. He saw potential in her. He groomed her, to be a skilled drug mule, to be excellent in this world. 

“Then I met Cage, and who would’ve thought, my dad’s notorious reputation landed me right in this place,” ****Lexa made an attempt at a chuckle, a sad chuckle it was, “guess… what he took from me, he finally gave it back.” Then she shook her head, reprimanding herself for what she just said. “No, that’s no right, is it?”

Leaning forward a bit, the blonde rested her forehead against Lexa's and drew in a small breath of sadness. “You deserve better, you do.” 

_“Talk about deserving…”_ The brunette couldn’t help the insecurity that had been there most of her life resurface.“When I left, I was determined to be better, to become something, someone, so that one day I’ll find you and I’ll deserve you. But after all, I’m afraid I still don’t.” People broke her, and she failed to glue herself back together. 

“No, Lexa, you’re wrong.” ****Clarke chided the woman with a swat on her shoulder, then gently cupped Lexa's chin and printed a devoted kiss on the thin lips. “You’re the most wonderful woman I have ever met, you’re kind, despite what you let people see, and you’re so strong. I should’ve known that when I first saw into your eyes, but I wasn’t smart enough or brave enough to admit it. Now it’s a blessing, that I found you again.”

A sudden rush of tingles blurred her sight. The brunette had to shut her eyes to stop the painful stings, signs of teardrops. Long since someone had said that to her, made her feel deserving and wanted. A light breath escaped her parted lips as she whimpered against Clarke’s. “Love me.” 

It was such a humble request, childish even, a request the brunette had not dared to speak to another soul. The vulnerability was so obvious that Clarke’s heart pounded in pain. She lunged forward, pushing the woman back to the mattress and despite the soreness in her body, she reassured her lover again and again.

 

When they finally collapsed in each other’s arms, the mansion started to wake up. The maid knocked on their door twice, inquiring if she needed to come in and change the sheets. Lexa dismissed her, with an exhausted quiver in her voice. She had a satisfied smile on the corner of her lips, and those spirited green eyes drooped a little. She wanted them to go back to the safe haven of dreamland where they could continue their ravenous, sensational, mind-blowing seeking. 

However, Clarke still had the obligation to take care of Lorelei. She didn’t know how to face the woman who practically called her out in front of a room of killers and purposefully doped her half to death. It made her angry, and scared her. “Lexa?”

“Mmm-hmm?” ****The brunette moaned, and buried her head in the soft blonde hair, taking in the scent that comforted her so much.

“I gotta get up now, give Lorelei her meds.” ****The blonde stroke the arm holding her by the waist and played with Lexa's fingers, a torrid flush spreading as she remembered how they entered her so purposefully.

The sound of the shady woman’s name made the brunette furrow her brows and her big eyes shot open. “Oh.” ****She loosed her hold, even though she’d rather stay in bed with her woman forever.

Clarke threw on her clothes and zipped up the bag of medical supplies. ****“The drug from last night probably wore off by now, so I’ll just watch her swallow her heart pills. It shouldn’t take long.”

“Ok, do you want me to come with?” ****Lexa sat up on the bed as well, the cover fell off her shoulders and exposed her upper body. The sun glowed on her ink tinkered skin.

It momentarily blinded the blonde. She wanted to lunge back in bed and take the woman in her mouth, see if she’d melt on the tip of her tongue. “No, no I’ll be back in like five minutes.” ****She hurried off, to get through the hard part as soon as possible so she could enjoy the rest of her day with her lover.

Lexa collapsed down on the mattress, never having been so exhausted. Her jaw was sore, her lips slightly swollen, and her legs were still cramping a little. 

As she walked down the stairs to Lorelei’s room, Clarke had to grimace, every piece of muscle seemed to be hurting. Her thighs, stomach, and lower back were killing her, and it was a disaster in between her legs. A kind of ache that she didn’t know even existed, and at the same time, left her wanting more. 

“Lorelei, time for your meds.” She cracked open the door gingerly, not wanting to disturb the woman. 

Lorelei did not respond. She just looked outside the window and lay there. 

_“Well this is a good sign.”_ Clarke exhaled quietly and walked over to the bed. She was just about to hand the woman a glass of water and the pills, Lorelei shot up from her bed and grabbed her arm with vicious force, her long nails digging with little concern of their effect on human flesh. “Lorelei!”

Ignoring the blonde’s pained yelp, Lorelei used her other hand to grab a fistful of her hair and exposed the love marks Lexa left on her neck. The hickeys provoked her. Her eyes became red, sending the message that she was ready to kill. “You little bitch! You dirty rat! I know everything, I know everything! Commander may believe you but I know you’re a dirty rat! Everyone will know!” 

“Lorelei, please. You’re hurting me.” ****Clarke tried to stay calm and persuade the woman to let her go, but the hold on her arm and hair was just painful that she couldn’t help the wince.

It made Lorelei grab her harder, and with an evil grin, she continued. “You know what they do to a sneaky bitch when they find out, hmm? They drug you, just the right amount so you can’t fight it, and tie you down, all the boys can do whatever they want, and it goes on and on for days, even—”

“Stop right now.” ****Suddenly a stern voice appeared from the doorway, and it efficiently shut the crazed woman up.

“Commander!” ****Lorelei loosed her hands on the blonde, and her eyes sparkled upon seeing the figure in her doorway. Then she cringed a little because the brunette did not seem happy with her. “Hey, you haven’t been visiting for days.” She pouted and tried to reach her hand, but her enthusiasm was met by a glare.

“What did you do to her?” Lexa saw the bloodlines on Clarke’s pale arm, her heart tightening in pain and anger. She gently held the arm to get a closer look, and turned to whisper in tender voice. “You’ll need some bandaids for this.” 

“Oh boohoo! I was just talking to her.” Lorelei protested, fed up with the total different treatment. **_“_** Can’t I talk to your baby now, Commander?” 

“No you’ve talked enough. Take your pills and she’s no longer your caretaker.” ****Lexa put the glass of water down on the nightstand with formidable strength, some of the liquid splashing out. “Let’s go.” ****She took the blonde in her arm and escorted her out of the room, leaving a very shocked woman.

They came back to their room despite Lorelei was howling loudly for Commander. “I never should've let you go in her room alone.” Lexa frowned as she wiped the blood off Clarke’s arm with sterilized cotton and applied two bandaids. “Are you ok?” 

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. You can’t yell at a patient, baby.” 

“Still, I don’t want you go near her anymore.” The brunette shook her head in worry. “In fact, I don’t want you out this room alone.”

“What? Lexa that’s insane.” Clarke widened her eyes. She didn’t want her to make such a big deal out of it. It was an accident, Lorelei was having a bad day, and she was partially responsible for it. 

“No, it’s not. I’m worried, constantly. I’m worried she’ll try to hurt you again, or stab you with a needle full of drugs for all I know. I’m worried about the other people. They were watching us, and I’m not sure how many are suspicious. If, if Lorelei decides she wants you out of the picture, people _will_ listen to her.” Lexa clutched her arms around the blonde woman. The fear came back again, this time, she didn’t want to risk anything. “So please, Clarke, let me protect you.” 

“You did protect me, Lexa, I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t do that for me yesterday. If it weren’t for you, I doubt I’d got out of there alive.” ****Clarke put a hand on the woman’s neck in attempt to calm her nerves. But the quickening pulse under her palm lost its usual calm, pumping against her hand rapidly.

“No, I couldn’t… I couldn’t protect you from this.” ****She traced a finger on the small needle mark on her bruised vein, left by the injection, and then another needle mark on another vein, caused by the iv fluid to counteract the drug’s effect, apparently the bandaid fell off during their shower last night. She confessed, apologetically as if she did something wrong. “I was scared, and I didn’t know what to do… I stood there and I didn’t know what to do.”

It hit her that Lexa was still hung up on the unfortunate turn of event, and was beating herself up for it. She pulled away from the embrace and cupped the brunette’s chin. “Lexa, Lexa look at me,” she made sure the big doe eyes focused on her. “you did everything you could. They wanted me to do it, Cage agreed, I guess he wanted me to… show my loyalty or whatever. It was a complicated situation, you couldn’t have pushed him further. I understand that.” Clarke laid a small kiss in between the sad puppy eyes. “Besides, you stepped in after all, and you helped me with the iv, remember? And I wasn’t kidding when I said you could’ve graduated nursing school.” It earned her a reluctant chuckle from her lover. She smiled with her, and held the back of her neck to pull her closer. “It’s not your fault, Lexa. None of this was your fault.” 

All she could do was to rest her head against the blonde’s chest, listening to her steady heartbeat that promised her it was alright. Her own pulse was slowing down, and eventually resonated in sync with Clarke’s, like they had been beating as one all along. “What if it is?” ****Her voice was so small that the sentence barely reached the blonde’s ears.

“Lexa…” 

“I had the chance to keep you away before any of this. I could’ve fired you from the job. But I just… I couldn’t help it.” The weakness in her voice broke Clarke’s heart. “Now that you’re in this mess, I don’t know if there’s still a chance to get you out of here anymore.” 

“Oh Lexa, I wouldn’t want to get out, do you hear me? I don’t want to leave you. I’ve been too curious for my own good. But I’ll be good, ok?” ****Clarke gently rocked back and forth. If it was someone’s fault, it should be hers.

 

 

Later that day, Lexa went to discuss the new arrangement for Lorelei with Cage, who was generous enough to hire another hourly health consult. 

“You’re pushing it, Commander.” ****He grumbled slowly, “been sticking your neck out for this Callie woman, you sure it’s worth it?”

“She’s worth it.” Lexa answered with confident. 

Cage creased his brows in surprise. He did not expect to see her acting like this for a woman. “Well, I think she’s a great girl. All I’m saying, is you can’t let anybody interfere with your judgement. And the way you spoke to my wife, was unacceptable.” 

“I’m sorry.” ****The brunette dropped her eyes as a humble gesture. “It won’t happen again.”

Cage waved her off, knowing Lorelei was also out of line. 

Then they sat together and talked about business over a bottle of fine whiskey. The man paid an attentive attention to the quality of life, his study embellished with stocks of scotch that only the best money could buy, oil paintings from various auctions, exotic plants, ornaments of china and wax statues of prominent historical figures. 

“Respectfully, I don’t reckon it a good idea.” ****She traced her finger around the rim of the glass, expressing her concerns.

He took a gulp and held the drink in his mouth to savor it. “The police won’t make a move this fast, they gotta regroup. I showed them what we’re capable of. If we don’t take the chance and pay gratitude to our partner, it’ll be very rude of us.” ****A lit cuban cigar in his hand, he leaned back into the expensive leather chair and breathed out a puff of white smoke. He very contently eyed his new trophies from Mexico, bought by the money found in Eric’s secret little coffer as a reward to himself.

Lexa closely studied him through the smoke, and before he turned his head back to her, she glanced at the extravagantly polished room one last time. “Ok, I’ll start preparing.” ****Her compliance pleased the man.

“Keep this to the ones you trust eh? The house is cleaned doesn’t mean we get to swagger under the coppers’ nose.” ****He said so, nevertheless put his trust to her, and waved her out of his room.

 

Meanwhile, Clarke gathered the clothes that were thrown across the room since yesterday. She picked up Lexa's trousers and jacket, a small object fell out of the pocket. It was her phone. She hurriedly picked it up and put it on the counter, trying not to think about it. Just for one more day… one more day to be in love and worry free with her long lost lover. However, the damned device stared at her whenever she went. Its silent black screen was loudly accusing her for all the rules she had broken, all the orders she was supposed to comply, all the duties she had failed to exercise. _“Fuck! Now there’re a whole bunch of people worrying about me, probably thinking I’m dead.”_ She remembered the devastation her mother went through when her father was killed. She couldn’t put her through that again. _“This is a mistake, for me to be here, how did I end up here?”_ She clenched the front of her shirt and felt a wave of panic strike her. It was not fair to her, not fair to her mother, and more importantly, it was not to Lexa. How could she find love in this god forsaken place and how could love be a mistake? 

She approached the thing, and turned it on with shaky hands. There was a single second before it started to vibrate. Clearly the police forces had been waiting for her to come online keenly. The caller’s id was in disguise of her superior, displaying “mom”. She pressed the button and answered, as calmly as she could possibly manage. “Hello?”

“Clarke!” ****Exclaimed the other side. “Clarke listen to me, you must get out of there immediately! Dax turns out to be a dirty cop, we found evidence in his accounts and tape recorders.” ****Lieutenant Jaha was blaming himself for sending the officer in. Now Clarke was put in a compromised position where she could be sold out easily by a desperate man. What he didn’t know what that Dax had already died.

“Lieut—Dax’s dead. The deal with Chinese drug cartel was a bait, he got exposed and Civet shot him.” ****The memory was still vivid and bloody in her head.

“What?!” The lieutenant drew in a sharp breath and quickly assessed the new situation. “But you have to withdraw from the operation as soon as possible, Clarke, there’s no back-up for you. It’s way too dangerous.” 

“I can’t.” 

“What do you mean you can’t?” ****Jaha raised his voice. “You leave that place before tomorrow, that’s an order.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m involved with someone.” Clarke confessed. “The person is very well trusted by Civet. I am able to get access to a lot more information through… this person.” She presented the advantage of her involvement with the brunette while purposefully left out the part that Commander, her “person”, was a woman. It made her dreary, the implication of her dishonesty. “Please, sir, I need to stick through this. I’m sorry but I gotta go.” ****She disconnected the phone and threw it on bed. Staring blankly into the wall, she almost heard the ripping sounds in her chest, her heart shredded and bleeding from the holes. Some minutes later, she heard the familiar footsteps from the hallway so she hid the phone in her suitcase and resumed her cleaning.

 

When the brunette came back, she seemed to be preoccupied with her own thoughts, and completely missed the blonde’s expression of wary. Clarke ventured that the conversation with Cage had contributed to her lover’s heavy mind. “What’s wrong, babe?” ****She asked, folding the clothes in her hand and watching Lexa in her sofa out of the corner of her eyes.

The term of endearment and the soft inquiry temporarily chased away those frowning lines in between her brows, and brought back a smile to the thin lips. Lexa loved how it sounded. She put down the newspaper in her hand and fixed her attention on her lover’s movements. The way Clarke sorted her clothes and moved back and forth in her room, was just natural and comforting. It was like they had been together for a long time, and they would be together for even longer, maybe, in her unrealistically optimistic thoughts, forever. But it was not exactly a very hopeful situation, she admitted to herself. 

“Hmmm?” ****Clarke put away a piece of garment and turned around to look into the watchful green eyes. And she instantly melt into the big doe eyes, smiling and shining.

Lexa shook her head slightly. **_“_** Nothing,” she stood up and approached the lithe body in three strides, taking the blonde into her arms and inhaling the enchanting scent, an act so innate that she seemed to have practiced a million times, “I was just thinking how much I love you here.” **** _“And how much I’d hate to let you go.”_ “Can I tell you something?” _“Can I trust you?”_

Clarke closed her eyes for a while, just to listen their hearts beating in sync. She wanted to tell her yes, but all the while she also wanted to tell her no. Drawing small circles on the taller woman’s back, she found herself at loss of in the mist of her conflicting thoughts. She wanted to know more, yet she wanted to know nothing. 

“Cage is having a dinner party this Saturday, in honor of the house cleaning.” 

“A dinner party?” ****Clarke found it quite suspicious, the way Lexa disclosed the information.

The brunette let out a light chuckle, finding the notion of a dinner party in a house like this very silly. “No, not a ‘dinner party’ dinner part.” 

“What do you mean?” ****Out of curiosity, and out of her investigative instinct, Clarke had to ask.

This time, there was a sigh. Lexa pulled away slightly and went to look out of her window into the garden. She combed a hand through her hair and creased her brows as she processed her thoughts. “It’s a meeting with Lee Shumway’s people. Lorelei’s cousin thinks we owe him big time. Basically they give us a list for their loss in the house cleaning and we reimburse them with arsons, routes, and new imports.” 

It was Clarke’s turn to frown. This was exactly the kind of information she needed but didn’t want. “And you think it’s not just another trap or something of that sorts this time?” 

“No, and that’s exactly why I’m worrying.” ****Lexa chewed on her lower lip as she contemplated the possible outcomes for the tenth time. “That’s inviting unnecessary people, unnecessary risks in his house. He’s getting careless.”

“What do you wanna do?” ****The blonde asked, evaluating whether there was an angle where she could help Lexa, but her hope wasn’t too great for she knew the woman was way too deeply involved.

The brunette shrugged, and fixed her attention to the complicated design of the backyard, drawing a route in her mind. The marble stairs connecting the main building to the hidden gate were broad first, then narrowed down to the width of one automobile, statues and pillars on each side, and the lush, well trimmed plants provided a natural barrier in case of a gun fight. She wanted to argue herself that it was way too exaggerated to formulate an escape route, even if everything went down, the world wouldn’t miss her, but she thought of the woman that she loved so dearly, the single most precious thing that she cannot lose. 

Without hearing a response, Clarke came to stand beside Lexa at the window. “Lexa?” 

“Listen,” ****She took in a deep breath with determination and made a life-altering decision, “there’s a 99 percent chance something is gonna go wrong. I don’t wanna scare you, Clarke, but I can seriously feel it.” She reached out to take the slim hand in hers and squeeze it gently to stress her point. If she ever trusted anything, it would be her intuition. “If there’s any sign that the situation is getting out of control, I need you to leave this place. There’s a concealed door and it leads right to a path on lakeshore.” Quickly, Lexa left Clarke’s side and fumbled in her safe. When she turned around, she held a pistol in her hand.

Clarke soon recognized it as a .25 caliber Colt Vest pocket gun.  ****Lexa looked concerned. “Do you know how to shoot? I’ll teach you, don’t worry, it’s not too difficult.”

“Wait, wait Lexa,” Feeling overwhelmed, Clarke cut her off by tracing her hand on her arm, “we’re not there yet.” ****She gingerly took the gun from Lexa's hand and placed it safely on the windowsill, making sure it wasn’t point to anyone or anything. For sure she could handle a gun, she even planned to smuggle one in sometime. But having Lexa giving her a gun as if it would be of use anytime soon really scared her.

Susceptible to the touch, the brunette turned around and pulled her lover into a possessive embrace. “But we are, and I can’t risk losing you. Promise me, you’ll leave and never come back.” 

It was an impossible request. There was no way on earth Clarke could just walk away like that. She made a vow to exercise her power in seek of justice. And even if she were to abandon her every duty, she couldn’t abandon the woman she loved. The dread and fear were killing her from inside. She could feel her heart immersed in the bitterness and pumping for a glimmer of hope to no avail. “I can’t, unless you promise something too.” 

Lexa pulled away slightly and keenly nodded. “Yes?”

“You have to come with me.” She had no idea where to take Lexa, whether to hide her or to turn her in, but she would do anything to keep her safe. 

“Clarke—”

“Please, I need you, Lexa. Don’t push me away when all I want is to be with you.” Clarke clutched the brunette’s hand tighter. 

Looking down to the contrast of their complexions, Lexa suddenly chuckled. What else did she need to be convinced? To be with Clarke was all she ever wanted. She was ready to sacrifice everything for this woman, risking her own life from the very beginning. “Of course.” Then she shook her head, censoring herself for being a drama queen, all corny and mushy, and reasoned with her dry humor. “I probably have to skip town as well since I just spilled Cage’s plan to your innocent ear, love.” 

Clarke understood the risk Lexa was taking in being honest with her, also blown away by the complete trust Lexa put in her. She pressed her face to the lean shoulder that carried immense burden. “Innocent ear huh? How can you be sure I’m not some undercover cop waiting to arrest you all?” Her tone sounded like she was joking, but without Lexa seeing, her eyes were painfully sad. The secret had been killing her, and she thought she’d explode. 

With a soothing hand on her lover’s back, Lexa calmly replied. “Well, if you were to arrest me, I’d gladly give you my hands.” **** _“And if you were to kill me, I’d give you my life too.”_ Without Clarke noticing, she bit the inside of her cheek, sensing a certain element of truth in their conversation. 

“Are you hungry? I’m starving.” Clarke straightened her stance, changing the topic. 

“Mmm, what do you have in mind?” 

The blonde shrugged. “Nothing in particular, something sweet and nice maybe…” She leaned in to give Lexa a kiss on the lips. 

A small smirk appeared, the brunette gave her a knowing look. 

“Ah-ah-ah, I didn’t mean that.” Clarke drew back a bit from Lexa's grip and resumed her clothes folding. “Make me some of that cinnamon rolls of yours, won’t you?” 

Lexa raised a brow. She wasn’t the best baker, but Clarke seemed to appreciate her cinnamon rolls after that one time she made some for the boys. “Aww, ok then, since you love it so much, your wish is my command.” 

As the brunette went downstairs to the kitchen, Clarke ran around the room and dug up her cell phone, turned it up and dialed. Several rings after, with each ring her heart tearing a little wider, bleeding a little harder, aching a little sharper, she spoke to Sergeant Kane and she told him everything. 

 

Finishing up from the incredibly difficult conversation with her commanding officer, Clarke was left with a giant hollow in her chest, she buried her face in Lexa's pillow and closed her eyes to prevent tears from flooding. 

Lexa trusted her. And now, she was pretty sure that she just broke everything, her trust, her heart, and her flimsy hope of freedom.

 

It was well into the night, and centuries could have passed while Clarke waited the brunette to return, at some point she seemed to have fallen asleep. She shook awake from her troubled slumber, took in a deep breath and sat up, a little disoriented, walked over to the windowsill and picked up the pistol. It was carefully polished. She studied it, all the while contemplating the fact that this was the very first thing Lexa ever gave her, not jewelry, not accessory, but a gun. She wrapped her hand on the grip and put her index finger on the trigger. 

The weirdest part was that the weapon fitted her hand perfectly. Her thumb seemed possessed, it caressed the hammer, and gently pulled it back. The revolver clicked, ready to fire, declaring its loyalty to the person holding it. 

“Cinnamon rolls as you requested, m’lady.” Lexa strode in with a tray, sounding a lot more chipper. The pure thought of making her woman something nice had the brunette smiling, very unlike her usual stoic self. 

As if in slow motion, Clarke turned around, the gun in her hand, ready to fire. 

Lexa paused in her track. The black of the muzzle staring at her, threatening to swallow her whole. “What—are you doing…?”

Clarke completely lost control of her hand. All she could do was watching as her arm got pulled up by an unknown force, her hand shaking, her line of sight aimed, and her finger tightened. One finger, it was all it took. 

When the bullet went right through her heart, there was a curious smile in those dark emerald eyes, reflecting the most peaceful pools. So peaceful as if she had seen it coming. 

Why? 

Why not? 

The gun didn’t make a sound louder than the complete shattering of her heart. It was followed by a deafening silence till a shriek burst out from her chest. “Lexa!” ****The pistol fell through her digits, she collapsed on her knees—without a sense of pain in that physical contact—and crawled over to the woman lying still on the floor.

The dark red liquid was oozing and stirring and turning and exploding everywhere. 

What had she done!? 

“Lexa!? Lexa!!!” ****She tried to scream, but her voice didn’t come to her. She tasted blood in her throat, raw and coppery.

 

_“Clarke, sweetie? Wake up, wake up baby.”_

The sound was distant at first, soon it was accompanied by the warmth of a hand. 

“Clarke… what is it?” ****Lexa's soft voice eventually penetrated the glass layer that muffled it at first. The brunette lifted her hand to brush the tears away from Clarke’s pale cheeks.

In the concerned, yet still the most beautiful forest green eyes, Clarke saw her own sobbing reflection. Though disoriented, she vividly remembered the terror of her subconscious. “Lexa—”

“It’s ok now. You were having a nightmare. Shhh… it’s ok.” The brunette wrapped her arms around the lithe body and generously provided herself as a blanket. 

“Lexa… I, I think I shot you… you were dead and it’s my fault…” Gripping the muscular arm that hooked around her waist, Clarke blurted out the content of her nightmare. She desperately wanted to be close to Lexa. 

“Shhh… it’s ok Clarke. It’s not your fault.” The brunette pulled away just to look into the teary eyes. Through the sincerity of her own eyes, she gazed long and deep at the blonde, making sure that Clarke knew she meant it. Then her lips parted, carrying out the most bizarre sentence. “I’m dead, but it’s not your fault.” 

It made no sense sense to Clarke, who stared at Lexa with wide eyes like she was seeing a ghost, until the light started to blur her sight. 

“Go back to sleep, Clarke.” ****The woman started to pull away inch by inch, slowly, gingerly, as if she didn’t want to disturb her weakened lover.

_“Go back to sleep. It’s ok…”_ ****

She tried to stop Lexa from leaving her side. Yet no matter how hard she tried, the warmth dissipated, and an intense sense of falling jerked her awake. 

Clarke jolted up from bed, and the comforter soon lost its comforting texture. It took her a while to fully comprehend her surroundings. With one hand on her face, she discovered the dried tears and sweat. A dreaded smile found its way to her lips as she surrendered to the horridness of reality. Clock struck to four in the morning, and wind was howling outside. It was late autumn, but she barely remembered the passing of summer. 

_“I’m dead, but it’s not your fault.”_

If only it were true. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it wasn't too confusing. Everything will be explained soon.  
> For the ones who are panicking, look at the tags, what does it say? Eventual happy ending. Right? Stop worrying. I got ya.
> 
> I am a Pisces.


	9. I won't even say goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I didn't even say goodbye."  
> "Maybe it's not goodbye."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I was a little sloppy posting the previous chapter that I didn't notice the mistakes about Lexa's eye color. I've changed what I could find, but if there's more, forgive me.

 

_Clock struck to four in the morning, and wind was howling outside. It was late autumn, but she barely remembered the passing of summer._

 

In her apartment, everything seemed so unrealistically quiet. Her own thudding heartbeat was too loud to bear. 

She was home, in her one-bedroom abode at downtown Chicago, ten minutes away from her precinct. And no, Lexa was no longer with her. But so many times, awake or asleep, she was convinced that the woman had never left. 

Every time, she so desperately wanted to return to her dream, and stay with her lover for just a little longer. Ironically, the more she tried to fall back to bed, the clearer she could see—a ruthless reality. 

Clarke was too tired, so tired that she didn’t think there was strength left in her to sob. Yet tears would always find a way, forming a rivulet down her chin, ending up in a puddle on her floor. She climbed out of bed and started her morning routine, ignoring her protesting stomach for skipping dinner and breakfast, she pulled on her coat outside her uniform and left home.

The wool around her neck offered little protection from the threatening chill, so she tucked it tighter while walking the short distance from her building to the station. Something hard pressed against her rib through the lining. She searched into her inner pocket and adjusted its position. 

Now, it wouldn’t be wise to flash out a handgun on a sidewalk, would it? 

When she eventually reached her destination, Clarke was welcomed by an empty lounge. She gingerly put her coat down, placed the handgun on the desk just beside her, and started her ceremonious readings. The material was not that intriguing, she contemplated, for she had gone through them probably a dozen times and could practically recite every detail of its statement. But she still concentrated. 

Her leg throbbed in pain. _Great, it’s gonna rain today,_ she thought, and was quite certain of her prediction. After months of rehabilitation, the graze of a bullet on her femur healed properly, but it did leave her a scar and an acute sense for bad weather. 

Just half an hour or so, the downpour came roaring through the cloudy sky, swallowing the entire Chicago in its malicious darkness. She lost her concentration to the thunder and the bunch of arriving police officers rushing into the building, so she started polishing her .25 Vest Colt. 

“Aren’t you early today, Princess.” A familiar voice popped beside her and a subtle snide remark was delivered. 

Clarke didn’t bother to look at the other person. 

Finn screwed his brows at the indifference. He had had the hots for this pretty blonde thing for a while, but not once he had showed her kindness. Some reverse psychology, Clarke retorted in her head. 

“Heads-will-roll still has you on that leftover?” Finn peeped at the open files, “thought you caught the kitty.” 

“Civet.” Clarke flipped it close and corrected her, “and no, there are several members at large.” ****Somehow there was a glimmer of hope in her sentence, which was met by cold contempt.

“Two unidentified bodies in the fire.” Finn dismissed her rationalization. 

“Well that leaves us half a dozen people unaccounted for.” Seven, actually, but she was not to disclose that information.

“The cartel is dead, Jaha just lets you hang around coz he pities you.” The other police officer chewed a toothpick and whistled as he eyed Clarke’s gun, “nice piece. Gift?” 

“None of your damn business.” 

“Ooph, well just remember under Illinois law you gotta register all firearms.” Finn snickered. 

“Collins!” Came a stern call from Sergeant Marcus Kane. “Get to work or beat it.” 

“Yes, sir.” ****Finn promptly turned on his heels and strode away.

Clarke gave the man a grateful look. 

When he disappeared behind his desk again, she sighed and acknowledged the truth in Finn’s hurtful words. 

There really wasn’t a sufficient reason for her to bite on the tail of a nearly closed case. She was relieved from street duty and other cases mainly because of her injury. But that stopped being a good enough excuse long time ago. She still requested to finish up all the trivial paperwork. It served two purposes—one, an unlikely chance to catch the ones that fled, and two, finding the tiniest evidence of Lexa's existence. 

People had no idea about the Commander being a brunette woman. She let the discussion slip by neglecting it. And for what she had gathered, the two bodies they recovered from the explosion were too heavily burnt for fingerprints. By DNA testing, it was a woman and a man. The news broke her at first, but a week later, she came up with a twisted explanation that the dead woman might have been the maid, or somebody’s mistress she didn’t know about. It was sick, her obsession, she knew, but it also gave her a purpose to hold on. 

Her finger brushed at the silvery trigger. After a ballistic report, she claimed it her own and somehow Jaha allowed it. She just never took it to the department to register, and she didn’t intend to. It was Lexa's, had been the only thing that reminded her of Lexa. And she needed it, to keep her grounded, to prove to herself that Lexa had existed, and that she had loved her. 

_“Officer Clarke Griffin was discovered confronting the cartel organizer’s wife, Lorelei Tsing. A gunshot in her leg from behind her incapacitated her from apprehending the suspect…”_ She skimmed over the passage, _“she was confused after surgery, having lost a significant amount of memory.”_ It was true, how she was shot, carried out from the mansion and transported to the hospital was a cloudy memory. But by reading the reports over and over in the past few months, and the initial shock reduced, things came flooding back, and now she could piece out the entire story. 

 

_What really happened_

_“Commander!” A deep voice rolled out of his broad chest, Cage drumming fingers on the table, “is everything ready?”_

_“Yeah, boss.” Lexa snapped out of her trance and gestured to the aluminum cases, millions secured inside._

_He nodded with a satisfied smile, “you look squirmy today, what’s crawled up your ass?”_

_She choked out a laughter, and rolled her eyes, “I guess I just don’t trust Lee.”_

_“Well he can be a little delusional.”_

_“Apparently it runs in the family.” She murmured under her breath._

_“What?”_

_“I said he has some pretty bold visions.” Lexa's voice was thick with distrust, “if I don’t know better, I’d say he’s robbing us.”_

_“Oh come on, Commander, lighten up! There’s always more money, more routes.” Cage held no bitterness toward his in-law. The two of them had mutual respect and understanding ever since their teenage years. “He’s brother, but this is business.”_

_Lexa nodded and checked her watch. It was time to open up the gate for the catering team they hired. “Excuse me for a sec.”_

 

_Clarke had been in their room, peeping out the window to see if there was any sign of a raid. She had provided a list of the people that had access to the building, which included the usual maid and a catering team. And after some digging, she discovered that the culinary company was under the name of a casino owner, who laundered money for Civet in exchange of protection. Once with that discovery, Lieutenant Jaha had been exploring every angle to infiltrate from the inside first._

_Her eyes widened as she scrutinized the service crew coming out of their van, recognizing the busboy immediately. It was Kyle Wick, IT wonder boy from the department. She realized that by letting him inside, the peripheral security cameras and alarm system would be disengaged so the squad could have an advantage on the outside._

_When the catering team was escorted into the main kitchen, Lexa did a headcount and left them to a bouncer to keep an eye on. She returned to her room to change._

_“So when exactly are they gonna show up?” Clarke asked, willing herself to stop fidgeting._

_The brunette threw on a black suit over her tank top, and strapped two semi-auto pistols at her waist, another on her right ankle. She smoothed out the bulge and observed her lover in the mirror, “In about half an hour, wait till it’s dark out. You don’t have to come if you don’t feel comfortable.”_

_“No, I’m coming, what should I wear?” Clarke jumped off the sofa and went to her lover’s side to sort out her collar. The simple gesture earned her a smile from Lexa, her own lips mirroring that same curve._

_“You look great in everything.” She leaned in for a peck on the mouth, “I’ll be back.”_

_“Ok, goodbye for now.” Clarke murmured against the warm lips, and when Lexa straightened, she pulled her back and coaxed her into a longer kiss._

 

Clarke slammed her eyes shut, thumb smoothing over her forefinger. She imagined the texture of Lexa's clothes against her skin, the subtle scent in her nostrils. It was a moment she wanted to relive over and over, a kind of peacefulness that would be soon overtaken by chaos. 

_“By 20:13, all snipers were in position, IT specialist Kyle Wick confirmed the peripheral security system had been compromised, swat team was given clearance to approach.”_ The file read. 

 

_Clarke hung around the kitchen pretending to be aimless, she watched as Wick slipped pass the bouncer with a bag of garbage during the middle of food preparing. Lexa had come back for another headcount, she distracted her. The brunette seemed suspicious, but since their guests had arrived, she warned the bouncer one last time before collecting her girlfriend to attend._

_A gather of no less than a dozen people took up the enormous long walnut wood table in the meeting room. More were either standing behind the chairs or guarding the entrances. Cage looked at the Commander, who was purposefully placed in the background, and nodded at her with acknowledgement._

_Lexa understood, she had always been his secret weapon. It always gave him an advantage over his opponents for hiding her true value, even when the opponent was his in-law._

_“So, brother, tell me about this new ‘speed dragon’, sounds like a real bargain.” Lee chewed his medium rare fillet steak with a sip of Cage’s finest Merlot._

_Clarke wasn’t particularly interested in the content of their conversation. It was hardly useful information considering the both of them were going down tonight. She was a bit nervous when Lee threw some glances her way._

_“Where is my cousin by the way?” He asked, “and who is she?”_

_“Lorelei is not feeling well tonight. That’s Callie, my guy’s new girl.” Cage explained, not wanting his in-low to mistaken him as a cheater._

_Lee seemed reassured. He hooked his forefinger to Clarke, “come here pretty thing, we haven’t been introduced properly yet.”_

_Lexa immediately shifted on her feet, but her movement was shut down by a glare from Cage. She balled up her fists, using her stare to burn holes on Lee’s ugly face._

_“Come on, your boyfriend won’t mind, whoever he is.”_

_Clarke had the urge to punch him in the throat, but she restrained herself. She glanced at the paling brunette to tell her that it was ok. As she walked around the table, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her into his laps. The alcohol and cigar in his breath were unpleasantly pungent when he leaned in._

_Cage spoke with caution, doing the Commander a favor, “oh brother, come on, she’s off the market. Company only.”_

_“I’ll take what I can get.” The other man snorted a laughter and shrugged. “Now let’s talk business. You got my money?”_

_“Even better,” Cage snapped his fingers, Emerson and Diego each presented a leather case they had been keeping, flashing a small portion of their transaction, “I got you samples, ten kilo ‘speed dragon’ for testing.”_

_“Always a pleasure.” Lee wiped his mouth with the napkin, “shall we?”_

_Cage was just about to stand and lead them down to the basement where the rest of the money and arsons were stocked, he heard Commander’s voice, “watch out!” He saw a red dot on the bouncer next to him. And after the sound of breaking glass, the mountain of a man dropped dead to the floor, a blow to his head had finished him instantly. Then followed the noise of shooting outside the window._

 

The report continued, _“The swat team met resistance when they entered the yard. A group consisting five guards opened fire on sight.”_

 

_People started yelling, pulling weapons out of their clothes and firing to the dark bushes. Lee pushed the blonde off his lap as he made for a run. Cage was escorted out by someone close to him, he motioned the Commander to follow but he couldn’t seem to find her._

_Against all evolutionary instincts to hide from burning flying metals, Lexa lunged toward the window, where Clarke fell. She didn’t bother to reach for her own guns. She just wanted the woman to be safe. Luckily because of Lee, the blonde was intact, crawling in between standing people and over dead ones. “Clarke! Come to me!” She yelled, hunching her back to avoid the attack._

_Clarke should have anticipated this. Her perfect score in the academy would indicate that she was fully prepared to take on a confrontation. But she had been wrong. Her heart was beating overload and her eyes were blurred by tears. She made her way to Lexa, desperately seeking the safety her arms would provide._

_“Keep your head down, we gotta get out of here.” Lexa shielded her with her own body, and made a run for the side door. During the short distance, she bumped into bodies of fleeing men and furniture, but it didn’t slow her down. The only goal was to send Clarke out of this madness. “Go, through second floor to the garden,” she instructed, once they reached the stairs, “Cage is heading to the garage, the police will want to catch him first.” She fished out her weapon and shot the first person that came after them. It was one of Lee’s men. She shot him anyway because she didn’t want anyone following Clarke. That ought to buy her some time._

_The noise of gunshots and paddling footsteps were approaching. Then the front door was torn down, a squad of heavily armed swat members headed downstairs to the garage._

_“Lexa! You need to come with me.” Clarke had the confident that no police would want to hurt her. She couldn’t say the same for the drug dealers when they found out her identity. But she needed to keep Lexa safe, “you’ll be safe if you come with me.”_

_“Go now, it’s ok,” the brunette pushed her up and shooed her to continue climbing. Another blow in the corridor shook the building and three men bursted in, two were shot before they could run for cover. The last one jumped behind a statue that was knocked over, and started shooting to the door. Lexa waited till she heard a thud of a body dropping outside, and she didn’t blink twice to shoot the last man._

_“Lorelei!?” A dreaded name was uttered with breaking voice. It came from the upper floor._

_The brunette immediately rolled out of the rubble. She searched for Clarke, and found her facing another woman. Lorelei._

_“You dirty little rat. This is all your fault! This is all your fault!” Lorelei was hysterical, her dirty black hair had fallen in her face, a strand caught in her mouth, “I swear to god I’ll kill you.” Her voice thick with malice, as she revealed a revolver with shaking hand._

_Clarke backed away from the crazed woman slowly, her back soon met the ornamented railing. There was no way to run. Lorelei had the upper hand despite her condition. “Lorelei, calm down, there’s very little time I’ll get you out of here. You don’t have to do this. I can guarantee your protection.”_

_“Shut your trap, stupid bitch! I knew from the beginning, you only use Commander to get what you want, little cunt.” Lorelei spat, and stalked closer, her bloodshot eyes shined with desperation. “I’m not getting out of this, and neither will you.”_

_The blonde spared a glance downstairs. She was sure that Lexa heard the conversation and figured out everything. Her heart sunk. It wasn’t how she planned to tell the brunette about her betrayal, then again, there was never a perfect scenario._

_Lexa pulled herself up to aim. The angle was impossible with Clarke in between. She heard footsteps from the garage down below and knew Cage had run out of his last resort in saving the shipments, now the only chance to survive was the back garden to lackshore. In less than three seconds, they would burst in._

_A shot was fired, deafening. White hot burning pain scorched through her flesh. Clarke didn’t have time to process when she fell under the force of a raging bullet biting into her body. She landed on her side, her rib cracking, But the fire seemed to have come from behind, which was odd, her mind registered._

_Then another shot broke the second of silence. It sounded close to her but above her._

_She peered out of her arms curiously as Lorelei’s body bent into a humanly impossible angle and dropped back._

_“Commander, what did you do!?” A man’s shout crackled through the door._

_Clarke rolled over and watched in horror to see Cage standing in the doorway, stunned._

_Lexa turned as well. Her hand holding the gun fell to her side. Time might have stopped, her heart ceased beating as she waited for the man to raise his gun at her._

_Another man charged in behind Cage. It was Lee’s second, Thomas. He was slightly confused when he saw the two staring at each other in a trance. “What the fuck!?” Thomas screamed as he bolted. And when he reached the second floor, he nearly tripped over Lorelei._

_It was when Cage did it. He aimed, cocked, and squeezed the trigger._

_“No!!!” Clarke lunged forward._

_A bullet glided through thin air._

_Lexa held up an arm to shield herself. But it was too late. The bullet made a blasting noise when it penetrated her skin and bounced off her rib. She saw herself falling, and she couldn’t do anything to catch herself. Her head hit the remnant of what used to be a table, and warm, sticky red liquid poured out the cut._

_Cage glanced upward then, his lips pursed in a cruel line. He was betrayed, by the last person he would imagine betraying him. And the source of all this hatred, was the woman lying beside his dead wife. But he was distracted when Lexa moaned in pain._

_There was time to deal with the blonde, he thought, she wasn’t gonna go anywhere anyway. He stepped closer, overpowering the brunette._

_Blood gurgled in her throat, but she was conscious._

_He then slowly raised his revolver again._

_Clarke lunched forward under the severe tearing in her thigh. A sense of animalistic urgency kicked in, and she remembered everything from the academy._

_The first shot went through his hand that held the gun. He howled in pain and bent down. The second bullet grazed his neck, nicked his jugular. When she pulled the trigger for the third time, she knew he would be of more value to the bureau alive than dead. But, now it was not about being rational, it was about rage, burning, acidic, red-eyed rage, to see him hurting the woman she loved. The third bullet entered his back and exited his chest._

 

_“When Kyle Wick found Officer Griffin, she was shot in her right leg, and lying over a woman. She showed signs of concussion when she delusively insisted to stay.”_ The report continued. 

It made Clarke scorn. The concussion was caused by a later event, and the morons from the investigation couldn’t have figured that out. 

 

_It had been thirty seconds of eerie quietness. Cage had fallen several inches from Lexa, and gone limp. The brunette succeeded in kicking the gun out of his hand and squirming gently away. She hissed and coughed out a mouthful of blood._

_Clarke scrambled down the stairs, bleeding out of her thigh. Her pain was manageable because of all the adrenaline pumping through her veins. But the panic feeling was like a hand wrapped around her heart, squeezing the muscle so tight she could barely breathe. “Lexa… Lexa look at me. Stay with me.”_

_Lexa tried to move. More blood gurgled from the hole on the side of her chest. Her face started to pale and her sights blurry._

_“Lexa, baby you need to stay with me.” Clarke shook her gently, “Lexa, I’m gonna put you on your side so you won’t drown. This might hurt a little.” She rolled her to the side._

_The instantly elevated pain shook her awake. “Oh my god—” She captured Clarke’s hand in hope to hold onto something._

_“I’m so sorry baby,” the blonde sobbed, “I am so sorry.” She tore down a stripe of her shirt in attempt to stop the bleeding. Dark red substance had already covered her hand, and she couldn’t tell if it was her own or from someone else lying in the room._

_“Cl—Clarke…” The brunette panted and blinked, the dangling light ceiling light suddenly too bright. In the glowing whiteness that shrouded them, Clarke looked like an angel. Maybe she was an angel, here to take her away. She smiled up to the blinding light, and waited for a kiss._

_But something cold landed on her cheek. A drip of water, it felt like. Foggy green eyes fluttered in confusion—her angel was crying. “Sh-shh, don’t cry.”_

_The soft cooing only made it worse. Clarke rested her forehead against Lexa's cheek, letting the stream of tears run free across her face and then on the tanned skin. “I’m sorry. This…it’s all my fault. I’m so sorry, baby. I’m a—I had to…”_

_“I know.” With a hand tangled in the blonde hair, Lexa gently laid a kiss on the corner of Clarke’s mouth, “I knew.”_

_“You…did?” Then why didn’t she say anything? Why would she protect her from the beginning to the end? But Clarke had her answer._

_“I’m not dumb.” She chuckled, and screwed her brows when the smallest vibration threatened to tear her chest apart._

_Lexa had worked everything out. Ever since Eric’s venomous accusation, her suspicious had returned. And by the way Clarke tactfully acquired information from their conversations, she was sure. She was proud of Clarke, truthfully, that she served her duty and fulfilled her obligation._

_An earthshaking explosion ripped through the building. It came from the basement. More stumping appeared from the corridor. The chandelier broke from the cord and met the concrete floor with a clash._

_“I love you. I love you, Lexa.” Clarke whispered against her ear as she splayed herself on top of the brunette, shielding her from the flying pieces of broken glass. Her lips found Lexa's chapped and blood stained ones. The coppery taste spilled over her tongue, but she kissed sweetly, thoroughly._

 

Kyle Wick’s statement wrote, _“I was forced to retrieve to the lobby when the explosion happened in the basement. The fire had spread to the entrance. Both the swat team and the suspects had ceased fire momentarily for escape. A second explosion had cut off the corridor from the lobby to the other side of the building. I was trapped there, with two other men. They did not suspect my cover as the busboy, so they led me to a stairway, which connected to a concealed path in the backyard. It was when I found Officer Griffin lying on top of a woman, who was still alive at the time. She had been hesitant to leave the person behind, but I had to consider her wellbeing as my priority.”_

Clarke bit on her lower lip, her hands trembling as she closed the file, unable to read anymore. 

 

_The second blast was devastating. The brunette shuddered in her arms. “It’s gonna be ok, Lexa. I’ll get you out of here.”_

_Two men jumped over them as they rushed to the second floor._

_“You have to go,” Lexa knew the blonde didn’t have the strength to help her. She would only slow her down, “now.”_

_“I’m not leaving you here, I won’t.” Clarke was desperate. She clawed at the rubble around them, making a way to the stairs. But she couldn’t stand, her leg felt numb after losing so much blood. So she came back to hold Lexa in her arms._

_“Officer Griffin!?” Kyle’ s voice was muffled by the heavy smoke and thick dust puffing in from the doorway. He stumbled his way over. “You’re bleeding!” He ripped off a sleeve and tied a knot around her thigh. “There’s been a fire. We need to go now!”_

_“I can’t! I can’t leave her!” Clarke tightened her hold on Lexa's hand, her knuckles turning white. Then she buried her face in the rich brown curls, “I won’t say goodbye.”_

_“There’s no time, Officer, you have to come with me.” Kyle was physically capable. He hooked his arms under hers and dragged her up._

_Clarke screamed in protest, her hand locking with the brunette’s. But the hand in hers was weak, and slowly, one finger at a time, it started to let go._

_“It’s ok,” Lake green eyes cloudy with tears, they held a curious smile, sad, relieved, and peaceful. “May we meet again.”_

_Their hands finally separated. Clarke clawed at the air, her fingers contorting with a force that almost broke them. Lexa's hand fell back to the ground, splashing a puff of dust._

_“Come on, let’s go.” Kyle was having a hard time carrying her up._

_“Please… please…” The blonde was begging, struggling to steer herself back. Her hysteria receded to irregular sobbing and spasming as they stepped outside. A paramedic arrived at her side to check up on her injury._

_On the radio, someone yelled, “everybody out! This place is gonna blow up!”_

_“No…” She pushed the medic away and limped toward the burning building with all she had, nearly sprinting. But before she could set her foot on the curb, a thunderous ball of fire charged through the basement, the earth shivered, an unnatural force smashed all the remaining windows and sent the pieces flying to every direction. It swept her up and threw her away with a lack of mercy._

_The world had never been darker._

 

A thunder outside shook her back in time. The rain was outside, but her face felt wet. She secretively wiped her nose with a tissue, and hoped nobody had seen anything, not that it mattered anymore. The entire station had showed her much respect during the time she was in hospital. However, nothing lasts forever. When everyone else had moved on from this victory, she found herself stuck, at absolutely rockbottom. 

She absentmindedly flipped through the rest of the statements made by irrelevant people, then went on to the autopsy reports. It puzzled her every time, that they managed to recover Cage and Lorelei’s bodies, which meant that the fire was managed before it could devour the lobby. But why were the other two bodies unidentifiable? Unless they were closer to the fire? 

“Single shot to the chest, blunt trauma to the head.” She read the report again. It fit, everything fit, except the location. Her chest once again tightened, a wave of ripping heartache started. 

Clarke stood up and went to the lab, finding the only person that still gave her the time of the day to take her seriously. “Raven, what did you mean when you say there’s nylon fiber discovered on the heel of Jane Doe?” 

“It means there’s nylon fiber.” Raven spared a peep from her microscope, and scribbled down something on her pad, “Seriously though, Clarke, you’re obsessing.” 

“I know, I know, I’m sorry.” ****The blonde wandered over, and plopped herself up by the high stool. “But what does it mean?”

“It’s a fairly common fabric material. Could be shoes, shoe laces, pants…” 

Clarke considered it. Now that she thought about it, she couldn’t remember what shoes Lexa was wearing that day. Had it been boots? Or maybe leather? 

“Apron, comforter, stockings…” ****The brown eyed girl continued to list things that could have nylon in it.

“The maid’s stocking.” Clarke suddenly voiced her thought. 

The tech paused and cocked her head to the side, “yeah could be. So Jane Doe is actually the maid?” 

“I don’t know. There still isn’t a match from ballistic?” 

“Zilch.” 

“Then we’re missing at least one revolver.” ****The blonde contemplated. If they found Cage, then they should have found his gun, and by comparing the piece to the bullet, they surely could have come to a conclusion.

Raven shook her head in disapproval, “Clarke, there were dozens of suspects that night, probably a hundred weapons. Besides, someone ran away. And you know evidence loses stuff all the time. It’s a giant case, millions of things to collect, reports aren’t perfect.” 

“They really aren’t.” She murmured, feeling yet again defeated. Every single piece of evidence had been inconclusive. 

Maybe now it wasn’t even about Lexa being alive. She just wanted to know for sure. 

Raven tossed her rubber gloves away and strode up next to her, concerned, “Clarke, we’re worried about you. Maybe you don’t want to talk about it with me, but you can talk to Octavia? She’s your best friend.”

Clarke didn’t answer, she glanced to the counter where her friend had examined the content. It was the “speed dragon” they intercepted at the routes, which were found documented in a notebook in Cage’s safe. The department had been cracking codes for months, and she couldn’t offer any help at all. Fortunately, with a cooperative suspect, they finally gained control. 

A sense of guilt was surging in the pit of her stomach. She was nearly feeling something else than the dark hopelessness. But eventually the darkness won out. She pushed herself down the chair and grabbed the sample, “Need me to take it to the burner?” 

Raven remained silent for a moment. She eyed her friend cautiously. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Clarke, it was just that…well, accidents had happened, like it had happened to a lot of other officers. “Clarke… drug, isn’t the answer, you know.” 

“Of course,” ****faking a smile, the blonde heard herself sounding sickly chipper, “you’re done anyway, right?” She presented her the sheet for completion, and watched as Raven ticked the last box and signed her name.

Raven clenched her jaw as Clarke disappeared to the corridor, suddenly regretting about her “evidence loses stuff all the time” statement. It was just a small sample, she offered herself consolation, yet she couldn’t help the sick feeling in her stomach. If she were to request an investigation on Clarke, it would undoubtedly break the woman. But she worried that one day, her concern for Clarke’s life would win out her concern for her career and their friendship. 

 

She was not well, Clarke admitted to herself, not at all. Prescription for Vicodin stopped being enough to numb the reality weeks ago. The first time she ever brought home the illicit content, it had been an accident, she returned most of it back. The second time, she found a bag that missed the burner schedule. Today, she lied to her friend just to score a line of coke. Immature, pathetic, cowardly, all would be appropriate adjectives to describe herself. 

But she needed it. She needed to feel it, she needed to feel _her_.

When the white power was neatly dissolved in a needle tube, and injected into her bouncy vein, she closed her eyes and waited for the world to swirl. Her heart started to race loudly under her eardrums, noises from the railroad was even insignificant in comparison. 

When she reopened her eyes, a vague figure appeared at the corner of her sight. She turned her in its direction, and her smile broadened, “Lexa…”

The woman walked closer under her gesture. She walked quietly, not a step was heard. And she gently sat down beside her. Watery eyes reflected the moon, pools of silent sadness. 

“You’re disappointed.” ****Clarke bit her bottom lip and murmured timidly.

The brunette let out a light sigh, and traced her finger on the pale face with great tenderness. “I understand.” 

“Of course you do.” ****A laughter escaped her lips, “you’re my hallucination, my subconscious, you’re me. I made up some lame excuse to tell me that it’s alright, it’s not my fault so I can feel better.”

“Do you? Feel better…” 

“I feel worse.” ****Clarke pressed the mocha colored hand harder into her skin. If she really tried, she could actually feel its comforting warmth. “It’s like all those dreams. I want you to forgive me. But you couldn’t, you shouldn’t.”

Lexa didn’t answer. She just observed her lover with those incredibly gentle eyes, like spring water, so green and peaceful and full of life. 

Clarke leaned in, and curled up the length of the brunette’s body, her hands circling at the stronger waist. “Tell me…” 

When the blonde didn’t continue, she encouraged, “tell you what?” 

“What?” 

“I’m your creation, I’ll tell you anything you want me to.” 

“You’re ruining it.” ****Clarke protested, pinching her fingers in the woman’s side punitively.

“Ok, ok!” ****Lexa surrendered, and pressed a feathery kiss on the crown of the golden hair, “tell you what?”

“That you’re real.” ****The blonde snuggled even closer, scared to lose this sense of security and belonging.

Another chuckle rumbled in her chest, “you know I can’t do that.” 

“Well then what are you even doing here?” ****A little enraged, at herself or the brunette she couldn’t decide, Clarke pouted.

“Would you want me to leave?” 

“No!” ****Quick to deny, she settled in the soft embrace again, and rested her chin at the crook of Lexa's neck. “I didn’t say you could go.”

So the woman tightened her hold. They breathed in sync for five minutes, neither moving or talking, just enjoying each other’s presence. 

“You can’t die, you know.” ****Clarke’s voice broke a little as she spoke. She cleared her throat and requested bossily, “I didn’t say goodbye, so you can never leave me.”

“It’s ok, it’s ok… I won’t.” ****Lexa rubbed her back in an effort to soothe. “I’m right here.” ****Her whisper smiled into the soft blonde hair indulgently.

Clarke could only return a meaningless smile, drowning in this moment of meaningless satisfaction. “I didn’t even say goodbye.” 

“Maybe it’s not goodbye.”  ****It was all Lexa said before she gently rocked the woman to sleep, defended and guarded her through another cold night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does it clarify things? I hope it does, and we don't know yet, we don't know what really happened to Lexa, neither does Clarke. 
> 
> It's almost 1am over here, gotta sleep. I am incapable of pulling all nighters ugh am I even a college student?


	10. And we meet again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a suspect being transported into her precinct today.  
> Clarke's eyelid has been jumping all morning. Who could it be?

 

A streak of sunlight ripped the heavy clouds that hovered on top of Chicago since yesterday. It crept through a tiny window and disturbed the woman cradling herself on the single bunk. As reality settled in, the momentary satisfaction of a familiar dream dissipated. Her arms once again felt empty.

She rolled out, bones cracking in her lower back just like the board underneath. It had rained so much, the lingering humidity and dramatic cold definitely did not make a good combination. Everything thudded inside her, shoulder, wrists, neck, nothing seemed to be in proper place. 

As she stood, a wave of acute headache swept through her nerves, so she sat back. Some footsteps appeared outside the door. She peered at the emptiness of her room. The person walked down the corridor again. She sighed, and looked at the pale blue sky. It was still early, the trees shadowy, streets quiet with a couple of lamps shining faintly. To prepare herself for the day, she lay down again uncomfortably, trying to get some shut-eye for another hour or two. 

 

By the time her alarm went off, Clarke had brushed her teeth, dressed, and fed herself a bowl of Mac&Cheese. She was having it for breakfast, lunch and dinner and was running out of it. It wasn’t that she didn’t know how to take care of herself, she simply had no interest in doing so. She stopped by the mirror, and scrutinized the purple shades under her eyes, worse than usual. She decided to put on some powder to cover it up. And with that, put an end to her monotonous morning routine. 

Her right eyelid jumped, as if something was about to happen today. Yet it seemed to be just like any other day, she came in, exchanged a word with the front desk officer, and got harassed by Finn for a bit. She made it to lunch uneventfully. 

But just before she took a thirty-minute break, Lieutenant Jaha called her over, “Officer Griffin, can I talk to you for a second?” 

“Yes sir.” 

“A suspect is transported yesterday from Huntsville, and is coming in this afternoon.” 

“From Huntsville, Texas?”  
“Yeah. And word is, it’s connected to Chinese mob’s case. But the other two suspects mentioned Civet and his wife in the exchange. The bureau is investigating, we’re gonna assist. I just want you to take a glance see if you recognize the suspect.” ****Jaha chose his words with caution. Though he had no idea what was the problem, he knew the case had not been easy on this young officer. “You won’t have to interact or confront anybody. Sergeant Kane will have an entire team on deck,” ****he assured that Clarke’s identity would remain protected from potential retaliation.

She nodded with moderate enthusiasm. Well, having something to do is better than nothing, right? “I’ll be happy to help.” 

 

The door suddenly scratched open, a loud shriek reverberated in the hall. Someone mumbled their compliant. 

The agile woman bounced off where she was sitting and stood with back against the filthy wall, like a panther, wounded but capable, ready to attack. 

“Thanks, Ms. Byrne.” ****A voice with a hint of unrecognizable accent said.

Another woman replied, “Just say your hello.”

“Sure, just saying hello.” ****And it revealed a tall woman in orange jumper. “Woah, easy there, tiger.” ****She had mud blonde hair and piercing brown eyes, a strange smile plastered across her exotically attractive face. She strode over gingerly, but overpoweringly. “Name’s Anya Trikru,”

“Judging by that accent, you’re the billionaire who stole from a con woman,” ****She tilted her head, the words were truthful but not hurtful, “good for you.”

“Keeping up with the news I see.” ****Anya was amused by this daunting woman. She searched in the green eyes for a glimmer of fear, but unsuccessfully so.

The other woman shifted her weight on her feet, and evaluated the situation. “Well, it isn’t exactly news, is it?”  ****She actually had heard of this Anya Trikru, beside her reputation as a troublesome heiress of a major consortium, she also had a love/hate relationship with the infamous gambler/risk-taker Catherine the “Ice Queen”. Catherine had been a friend and beneficiary of the casino, which laundered money for Cage, so she was a friend of Cage by default. The connection bolted in her head as she visibly tensed.

“So what’s your name?” 

“Mary freaking Poppins.” ****She sneered.

“Ha, you’re funny.” Anya let out a genuine laughter. “Really, just tell me your name.”

“Why waste your time here? I’m a nobody.” 

Clicking her tongue, the blonde wandered to sit next on the small bunk, “I don’t think so. This is a correctional facility. But you’re not convicted, are you? They’re holding you in max solitary waiting trial coz jail cells aren’t exactly a safe bet.”

Green eyes squinted to observe the woman articulate her logic. 

“Hmm, so you pissed off some major players, didn’t you?” Anya gave her a cunning grin. “From what I heard, you haven’t been playing nice with those Irish boys and Chinese boys.”

If there had been any kind of panic, she didn’t show. She questioned the strange woman silently through her darkened green eyes. 

“Things don’t get past me in here. I run this prison.” ****Anya clearly enjoyed her power play here and there. She made it from a newbie to top dog in less than three months and now the warden even had to bow to her.

“So are you here to teach me a lesson? I’ve taken a couple bashes, figure I can take a few more.” 

“Oh no, no no no.” Anya suddenly beamed a friendly smile, “I just caught wind that some high profile gal is passing through. Some bidder might want her head and send a hit. But I don’t want bloodshed in my prison.” ****She spoke truly like some kind of royalty.

“Ok, so what do you want from me?” 

“I wanna offer you sanctuary.” ****Anya laid out her palm, gesturing her surroundings, her realm.

“Sanctuary? That won’t be necessary. I get dragged out today.”  ****The sheer though of handcuffs on her injured arm sent a cold shiver down her spine.

The blonde shook her head, “if you stand trail and get convicted, they’re gonna put you somewhere. When that comes, you do your best to get back here. My offer will still stand.” 

“Why are you helping me? You don’t know what I did.” 

“Let’s just say you did me a favor when Civet’s claws and paws were cut off. Kinda helped me get back at that little bitch Catherine, some Queen she was.” ****Anya arched her brow. There had been murmurs that Lee wanted this woman’s head because she allegedly fucked over Cage. And because of the breakdown of the Irish cartel, the casino lost its protection and soon got shut down for investigation, which in turn caused Catherine a devastating fortune.

Eyeing the prisoner one more time, she relaxed a little. Having an ally in here probably would do her some good, if it ever came down to fighting for her own life in a women’s prison. So she nodded. 

“Can you at least tell me your name?” ****Anya reached out her hand.

“Lexa.” She mimicked the movement, “Lexa Woods.”

 

Clarke finished lunch early and sat in her spot awaiting for the suspect to arrive. She was nervous, and unsure of her own reaction would she have when she saw another familiar face after months. In her peripheral vision, she saw Finn walking over. Not again…she sighed. 

“Pst, Clarke, I heard the feds are dropping by today.”  ****Finn whispered to her in mockery, “maybe it’s time you give them back those reports you’re withholding, hmm?”

“These are copies for our own references.” ****Clarke glared at him, tired of his constant accusations.

“Hey, no need to get feisty.” Finn threw up both his palms and fawned a smile, “anyway, the feds are jerks, don’t you think? They let us do all the dirty work and take the credits. You were the hero, and look how they just ‘forgot’ to mention anything.”

Clarke pursed her lips, having enough of Finn’s idiotic comments, even when he tried to be agreeable. “It’s a cross-state affair. And it’s for my own safety.” W ****ithout another word, she turned to leave Finn and his annoying remarks.

“What do you think they’ll do to her?” ****Finn mumbled.

It made her jerk around, “what did you say?” 

“Nothing…?” ****The long haired boy was startled by her agitation.

“Did you say ‘her’!?” ****She asked with urgency, her eyes red and glassy, as if tears were about to rush out any moment.

**_“_** Ye—yeah I heard they put the suspect overnight in Xavier. So I figured it’s a woman since it’s a lady prison and all?” Finn kept his voice down, “hey, I wasn’t supposed to know this. But I might have overheard something when Jaha was on the phone. Little fun fact, you know Anya Trikru? She’s doing time in Xavier too.” 

Clarke wasn’t interested in the rest Finn said, her heart was beating too fast that the blood flow was almost audible in her neck, “Thanks, Finn, I owe you one.” 

“Uh…ok?”  ****The officer seemed confused, and before Clarke disappeared completely from his sight, he yelled, “will you go out with m—”

“Not in a million years.” ****Shouted back the blonde.

“—oookay…” 

Stumping footsteps were when Clarke ran through the corridor to Sergeant Kane’s office. She nearly barged in on him speaking to a subordinate. But she composed herself and waited for him to send the officer away. 

“What can I do for you?” Marcus Kane was putting on a suit jacket, getting ready for something, which Clarke could guess what it was. 

“Sir, I’d like to escort the suspect to our interrogation quarter.” 

“You won’t have to and you can’t.”  ****He quickly turned her down. “Other people will handle it.”

“But I might be able to get some valuable information.” She protested. 

“Didn’t you say your cover wasn’t blown?”

“Yes, but—”

“Good. Then keep it that way. No reason to risk retaliation. You never know what kind of influence they have on the outside even being locked up. Now come, they’re gonna be here any minute now.” 

He didn’t understand, nobody did. Clarke felt herself stuck in an impossible situation. If she were to tell them the truth, that she was in love with a criminal, that she had been hiding details from the investigation, what would they do to her? And more importantly, how would it affect Lexa? _“Don’t get your hopes up.”_ She told herself as she followed the Sergeant, _“maybe it’s not her. Maybe she’s still alive and not caught.”_

But despite her effort to calm down, she could not deny the strange sensation bubbling in her chest. It might have been the jumping of her eyelid, or the prickling of her hair, but she could feel it, she could feel _her_ , as real as it had been the other night if not more so. There was something in the air that enveloped her, a presence from a distance that was out of her reach, but it existed. 

Marcus led her to a room with a giant glass on the wall, to watch everything going on in the adjacent room. The actual interrogation room was brightly lit, but yet to be occupied. Sergeant Kane paged a text to his assisting detective, who promptly came, with two other officers. “I thought you two were escorting the suspect?” He glared at the officers. 

The two shrugged and laid out their palms, “the feds won’t let us.” “Yeah, they say they’ll only allow you and Jaha interact with the suspect.” “And the rest of us are dismissed.” 

“What the fuck?” ****Marcus cursed, “well, off you go then. And let Lieutenant Jaha know.” ****He paced around in the room for a couple of minutes, and eventually saw the blonde hiding in the shadow, lingering. “Clarke, you’re dismissed too.”

“She can stay.” ****Jaha’s voice popped in just in time to save her. A Black man in a suit and a pair of sunglasses strode in behind her, whose presence was so overwhelming the small space immediately seemed tighter. “This is agent Lincoln Grounder, agent, Sergeant Marcus Kane and Officer Clarke Griffin.”

The FBI agent only bade them a nod, and stood then stood in front of the window. 

Marcus squinted at him unpleasantly. He found his condescending manner utterly rude. Just as he wanted to say something, maybe a little sarcasm, he caught Jaha’s eyes and instantly kept his mouth shut. 

It was some awkward minutes, Jaha tapped his finger impatiently, Kane chuckled foolishly to spare himself the strangeness, even agent Lincoln Grounder glanced at his companions several times in a kind of endearing but antisocial way, as if he shared the sentiment. Only Clarke, she wasn’t amused or embarrassed, or whatever the hell this Lincoln person was feeling. She was dying inside and rapidly. Her heart was beating in the base of her throat loudly as if it would leap free. The anxiety was insufferable, one second going all too fast, the next lasting an eternity. 

The door slid open. Clarke felt her breath had ceased. She watched in wide eye as two men in suits escorted the suspect inside. A shriek arrived at her voice cord but she swallowed it back. Her whole body shook. 

The woman was shoved forward in handcuffs, tall, slim, dark brown hair tucked loosely in a pony tail. 

“Lexa.” ****She whimpered silently.

While Jaha and Kane fixed their eyes on the scene in the interrogation room, Lincoln noticed how the young officer reacted and took great interest in it. 

Clarke was well aware of the elephant in the room. She tried several deep inhales to behave normal. A quick glance was spared to the FBI agent, but her attention quickly returned to the woman on the other side of the mirror, her sudden rush of relief replaced by anger. 

There was a nasty gash on the brunette woman’s nose, a diagonal pattern lodged from a little under her brow to the other cheekbone. Another bruise had turned an ugly yellow on her chin. Lexa was limping and leaning against the man on her left, one shoulder in a strap as if it had been dislocated, and the exposed area on her chest showed an uneven patch that resembled a burn mark. She winced as agent John Murphy pushed her to sit on the chair, then groaned when they unlocked her handcuff only to pull her hands to the front and lock her up again. A bead of painful sweat glided across her paling face. 

“Careful!” ****Clarke failed miserably at restraining herself. Like there was an invisible hand ripping her heart out, she was feeling every bit of pain Lexa was in, tears rising and burning.

This time, not only Lincoln, but Jaha and Marcus also turned to her questioningly. 

Through the monitoring speaker, the suspect’s heavy breathing was heard, each inhale and exhale. Lexa leaned her forehead on the table, heaving, giving herself time to toughen through the sharp twinge in her shoulder. 

Clarke held tightly onto the front of her uniform, finding herself breathing in sync with the brunette as if that could somehow help her get through. 

“You okay?” Marcus asked cautiously. 

“Can they be a little more sensitive?” Clarke ignored him entirely and asked the indifferent agent, “she’s clearly in pain! Do your people not have any compassion?”

“She should’ve thought it through before doing things that she might regret.” Lincoln responded coldly. 

Before Clarke could protest, Miller, on the other side of the room spoke, not allowing Lexa could catch her breath. “Alexandria Woods, you are being charged with possession with intent to distribute and distribution of illegal drugs, possession of uncertified arsenal, vandalism on federal property, aggravated assault, posing extensive bodily harm to other, attempted murder, and murder of three people.” He dumped a thick file on the table before her, the pitch of his voice going higher and higher as her charges got more and more serious. It was incredible, his expression, as if he couldn’t believe a woman would be capable of these many crimes. “Now, do you plea guilty to the above charges?” 

Gradually easing her body to sit straight in the chair, Lexa didn’t answer. Instead, she stared ahead to the mirror at her own shattered reflection. Her forest green eyes calm as ever, they were not harsh, not at all, which was a surprising change to agent Lincoln Grounder. 

Lincoln took another glance at the blonde officer beside her, some hypothesis forming in his head. He wondered to himself if this Alexandria Woods knew where she was taken to, but then he argued that they had kept her blindfolded the entire way here. 

The suits hovered around Lexa, one sent a signal toward the mirror. Lincoln said to Marcus, “They need your assistance now, Sergeant.” 

“Well that didn’t take very long.” ****The Sergeant sneered.

On the monitor, the man spoke again, “I guess we’re doing this the hard way.” When the door cracked to reveal Kane, he gestured the police commander to join their interrogation. “Would you mind sharing some of the evidence we found comparing across several crime scenes, Sergeant?” 

“Uh, sure.” ****Marcus soon assumed an air of importance himself and pulled out some reports from the stack of paper he carried, “so, miss Woods,”  
“Sorry to interrupt, Sergeant, but we don’t address the suspect as mister or miss, can’t encourage their attitudes.” ****Murphy quickly jumped in.

Marcus eyed him with irritation. He wanted to argue that the suspects should be treated with respect too and “innocent until proven guilty” still applied, but he decided not to. “Ok, so we tested the ballistic, the gun found in your car was a match to the bullets we found on two victims, Leonard Eisenberg and Lorenzo Bao, in Cage Wallace’s property. And on another gun that killed Lorelei Tsing and injured a police officer, we found your fingerprints.” 

“What do you have to say?” ****The agent pressed on.

Lexa held her arm and remained unaffected, “can I talk to my lawyer?” 

“Too late.” ****Agent Miller impatiently cut her off, “you missed that chance when you were still in police’s custody. Now you’re officially under federal investigation.”

“Hey, I tell you what,” The other agent, Murphy, spoke to her in a gentler demeanor, “if you plea guilty, we still can help you. The victims are all criminals themselves, if we talk to the jury, might be able to knock a few years outta your time.”

The brunette didn’t even give him a glance, knowing too well of their “good cop bad cop” play. “Your evidence is flawed.” ****She knew, if they had enough evidence, even though circumstantial, they wouldn’t need a confession from her. And from what she had observed, the several pieces of things they put together were contradictory.

When the three of them looked among themselves, ambushed by her statement, Sergeant Kane felt his face burning. The woman was right. 

“The evidence is perfectly solid. We’re doing you a favor, Woods.” Miller remained expressionless. “We found _your_ weapon in _your_ car that _you_ used to kill people. Simple as that.” 

“Except it’s not my car.” ****Lexa was quick to point out the weak link in their case. Well, that was too easy, Miller had offered it to her himself. “Or my weapon.”

Miller turned slightly pale. 

Marcus Kane quickly checked the file. They had failed to find even a partial print on the car or the gun. The vehicle was registered under Carl Emerson’s name, or one of his aliases. 

Murphy wanted to argue that they still could pin her down on the murder of Lorelei Tsing and injuring Officer Clarke Griffin, but Lexa spoke again with confidence, “My print is not the only one on the other gun either. It belonged to Carl Emerson.” 

Nobody could even dispute about it. On the other side of the room, agent Lincoln Leaf took off his sunglasses in disappointment. He accusingly asked Jaha, “Haven’t you made any bit of progress since you submitted the previous files? I thought your evidence department was still functional.” 

“Very much so,” Jaha wouldn’t let the feds look down on his work for sure, he challenged, “but you are the one that kept secret about this suspect since capture. We had no time to dig up something of value. Truthfully, this woman didn’t exist in any of our documents before you brought her here.” 

Lincoln screwed his thick brows. “Well then bringing her all the way here might be a complete waste of time.” He contemplated the situation as they all watched the interrogation unfold. 

The interrogators changed their tactic again. A strange technique borrowed from the military called “pride and ego down”, known to attack one’s self worth. It was a psychological warfare, and when used extensively, it breaks people. Marcus of course was out of the context and unsuspicious when he presented Lexa's personal files to the agents. Murphy took the lead since it was his specialty. Good cop became bad cop. 

Under the seemingly friendly but extremely sly eyes, Murphy questioned her loyalty to Cage, whether it was worth it. **_“_** To what you owe your loyalty to him, though?” ****was his exact words.

“I don’t.” It was Lexa's only response. Then she kept silent as he stroke deeper at her relationship with Cage Wallace. She didn’t react when he spoke ill about him, nor did she bat an eye when he praised Cage’s dignity. 

Murphy’s face gradually lost its cheerful relaxation. He flipped through the records and paused at one page, as if weighing his advantage. “Here it says your father was Issac Woods. He was the number one wanted man in Chicago couple decades ago if I remember it correctly. What’d he do? He killed eight people, didn’t he?”

The mention of her father was definitely a dirty bomb, viciously deliberate. Lexa tried hard not to show any emotions, clenching her jaw till bones cracked. 

But Murphy noticed the slightest of changes. He awarded himself a grin as he explored this weakness. “So, are you doing this for him? Prove to him that you’re better at what he did? Do you hate him for abandoning you?” ****He ventured with aggression, “hmm? Do you hate him?”

Lexa tasted bile in her throat the more he pushed the subject. Her gaze was harrowing under the mask of anger. 

“Hey, it’s ok.” ****He pretended to offer solace, laying his hand on her shoulder, as if forgetting about her recent injury, and squeezed. “Just tell me how you feel.” It might have seemed gentle but the force was enough to reach beneath the muscle, evident by his whitening knuckles.

The brunette snarled, breathing became labored again. 

**_“_** That’s enough.” ****Clarke murmured as she pushed pass the door before Jaha could react. She stomped down the hallway and knocked on the neighboring room.

Everyone paused and Kane hesitantly turned the door knob and opened a crack to see who was out there. 

“Officer you’re not allowed to enter.” Lincoln’s stern voice charged in from the hallway first. “Close the door.” He ordered Marcus. 

“It’s not right—” Clarke tried to stop the man from smashing the heavy soundproof door in her face, “Hey!” She angrily beat the surface, “Hey! That’s torture!”

“Officer Griffin!” Jaha had also rushed into the hallway after the two. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Sir,” The blonde’s eyes pleaded for understanding, “that’s psychological and borderline physical torture. How could you let that happen in your station?”

“Can I talk to you, Officer?” Lincoln practically dragged the woman by her arm without asking her commander’s consent. 

Clarke walked down the hall while trying to shrug out of the steel claw on her arm. She was shoved into a nearby room which she recognized as the evidence lab. 

“What exactly are you trying to pull?” Lincoln was enraged, towering the light woman, “you do recognize her, don’t you, Officer Griffin?” 

“What you’re doing to that poor woman is wrong.” Clarke ignored his question. 

“You know her.” 

“No, I don’t.”

“Obstructing federal investigation is a serious felony,” Lincoln warned her, voice deepening and face stiffening. “you clearly know her.” 

Suddenly two brunette women barged in on the pair staring at each other. It was Raven and Octavia. Raven was startled to find the intruders in her own quarter. 

Octavia had just arrived in Chicago, having been worrying about her best friend. She was hanging out with Raven since they couldn’t find the blonde, and now she was greeted by this scene. “What the hell is going on?” 

“You will go to your Lieutenant and you will testify.” Lincoln pressed even closer to the unwavering woman with daunting azure eyes. “Do. You. Understand?” His hold on the lithe arm got even tighter. 

“Hey! Hey you!” Octavia leaped over and squeezed herself in between them, facing the stranger, “she’s really tiny and you’re hurting her, so back off, whoever the fuck you are.” 

“It’s ok, O.” Clarke held her friend’s shoulder, stopping her from biting the man’s head off. 

Lincoln took a step backward, finding himself unreasonably intimidated by this woman named ‘O’. He almost admired the fierce sparkles in those light hazel eyes. In embarrassment and shame, he darted his attention from Raven to Clarke again, and threatened, “This isn’t over.” 

As the agent turned to leave, Clarke followed. She needed to go back and keep an eye on the interrogation. 

Raven yelled behind her, “Who the hell was that? Why are you leaving with him?” 

“That was FBI agent, Lincoln.” Clarke uttered unimpressed. 

“Well ain’t he a piece of work.” ****Octavia thought out loud, her eyes lingering a bit longer than necessary on the agent’s ass.

 

By the time they returned, the investigation had to come to halt as the Lieutenant insisted. Jaha had thought about the young officer’s protest and advised the FBI agents to take another strategy. But they weren’t going anywhere with the suspect insisting her original story of being caught. 

“I’m only a maid. I go to work three days a week and I happened to be at the scene.” Lexa had said. 

“There was a fire. I found the gun in the rubbles so I picked it up just in case. It was empty.” ****She said.

_“Mr. Emerson was so kind to help me get out, but himself was being chased after we ran._

_“He was murdered by the men chasing us. They were to kill me too so I drove his car._

_“I was only fighting in self defense when the men who killed Mr. Emerson had found me…”_

Yeah, yeah, everything she said was the same from the written statement, even exact words. Murphy and Miller came out and chatted with Lincoln while they waited for the suspect to go through an extensive body checking procedure before transporting her to the van. 

“She can’t be a maid. She’s far too composed.” 

“But what if she’s just a psychopath? That explains her complete lack of emotion.” Miller inquired his co-workers. 

“She’s not a psychopath.” Murphy quickly rejected, “there was an emotional fluctuation when I mentioned her father.” 

“Yeah, anger.”

“No, there’s something else.” 

“What was her reaction during the interruption?” ****Lincoln asked curiously.

They hadn’t really paid attention. Lexa had heard the unmistaken voice briefly through the crack of the door. Her head was down because of the pain and it became a valid reason to avoid the recording camera. She’d let her eyes soften, small specks of hope, golden and fiery danced in the jade green pools, and a barely recognizable smile tugged at her lips for a split second. 

 

Clarke eavesdropped on their discussion, to get as much information as possible. And she decided to stick to Lexa's story later on. When the woman was brought back from body search, blindfolded, a very attractive elder woman with flirty eyes was to pick her up. **_  
_** “Warden,” Lincoln suddenly spoke. 

“Please, call me Martha.” The tall woman beamed a dazzling smile. 

“Miss Byrne, are you sure the suspect hadn’t had any contact with people beside us and your staff? We can’t risk assassination, or alliance with other criminals.” 

Martha remained charming, “I can assure you, agent, she had been in solitary the entire time, never taken a step out.” She spoke of truth, only chose to omit the encounter Lexa had with Anya. 

“Good. Freeze her. She’s gonna fold eventually.” Lincoln said it to the brunette to hear, warning her one more time. 

Lexa rolled her eyes, mainly to herself because nobody else could see. And when she cocked her head, her nostrils flared, sensing something familiar in the air. _“Good girl.”_ She suppressed a grin. “Will you call Christopher Chen? If you call him you’ll know there’s no reason to freeze me and wait for me to unravel.” She said out loud. 

Murphy made an attempt to shut her up, “quiet.” 

Miller impatiently shoved her forward, “We checked, nobody turned up. Now move.” 

Clarke was out of sight, but she heard her, loud and clear. Christopher Chen, she repeated to herself and hurried off. 

 

Back in her cell, Lexa slumped to the corner and held her arm. The pain wouldn’t ease after this day of torment. The drive had been unnecessarily long, which was meant to throw her off track and confuse her. But hearing the train every now and then, and with her extensive knowledge of every corner of the city, Lexa knew exactly where she was, and after some research she’d done during her run, she also knew it was Clarke’s precinct. 

She didn’t get to see her. Yet she was smiling contently. Just hearing the several words she spoke through a door was enough to set her heart going off rail. 

“Knock knock.” In came Anya with a tray of goo that was supposed to be her dinner. She observed the odd expression on Lexa's face, it was a half grimace and half smile. “Someone’s in a good mood?” 

“Anya.” ****She acknowledged the inmate. “You were right. They sent me back.”

“Excellent.” 

Lexa accepted her tray and dumped the substance in the toilet, her expression tightened once again as she considered her next move. “We'll see.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those who were worrying I had killed Lexa, haha fooled ya! 
> 
> My family always enjoy this delicacy, or appetizer so to speak, chicken claws.  
> I have been eating them since a kid. Is that weird? Would you eat it?


	11. A visit and a gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is determined to get her woman back. With the help of someone on the inside, and someone on the outside, the couple saw a glimmer of hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The struggle continues, as well as some bittersweet moments.  
> Sorry I know Anya is out of character, but I just can't think of another person for this role.

Christopher Chen, Christopher Chen, Christopher Chen… This name haunted her from the moment it was uttered by the woman she loved more than anything. Even under the intense pressure from her boss and scrutiny from the bureau, Clarke took her move boldly without a care. 

Kane always thought the name Alexandria Woods familiar, but he couldn’t quite pinpoint where in his memory did it come up. Many times, he was about to ask Clarke, but the blonde was not easy to catch, almost as if she were avoiding him. Jaha was getting suspicious of the situation. He hadn’t heard anything back from agent Grounder after the FBI left disappointedly. Yet as he recalled their last exchange of words, Lincoln spoke of Clarke Griffin, suggesting his distrust. Though he believed the integrity of the undercover officer, he still advised her to lay low for the moment, try to avoid getting internal affairs involved. 

Clarke went to Xavier women’s prison against Jaha’s direct order. She attempted to persuade the desk officer to let her in, when she was interrupted by a stunning looking warden. Martha Byrne greeted her with a tantalizing smile and waved her in the direction to her office. 

“Ms Griffin, I believe it will work to your disadvantage leaving your name on the register in request to visit this, particular, prisoner.” ****The warden chose her words wisely and waited for a reaction.

Clarke instantly got her insinuation. She eagerly leaned forward and asked, “so is there anyone else I could talk to?” 

“I do have an inmate who volunteered to bring meals and laundry.”

“What’s her name? Can I talk to her then?”

“You need to be on her visitor list, however. I’m sorry I cannot disclose information about our inmates, but if she chooses to contact you, there’s no reason why we can’t let you through.” ****Martha explained.

It brought her excitement down momentarily, but she reckoned the situation wasn’t hopeless. Clarke fished out a card from her purse and presented to the warden, “This is my personal number. I’d be so grateful if you could mention this to her.”

The warden nodded without commenting anything on the subject. She did, however, offered some other important information regarding Lexa's capture. 

It was something kept from her by the office and the bureau. Clarke ceased the opportunity with gratitude. She couldn’t figure out for what reason the warden was helping her, not that it mattered, she just wanted the love of her life returned to her. And by the end of her short visitation, Clarke couldn’t help but enquired, “is she ok?” 

“A little bruised, but in good spirit.” ****Martha commented on the significant change she saw in the brunette over the expanse of a day. It had to be for this blonde woman, she thought to herself. Then she showed the officer to the exit and promised her their meeting would be kept confidential.

 

When she went back to the station, the blonde was in a trance. She scrolled down the lists of numbers she pulled up under the name Christopher Chen and began her investigation for the day. Chen wasn’t an uncommon surname, and Christopher, well there were all too many in her precinct alone. She changed the range of her scope several times, filtering out unlikely persons. The result was a more hopeful situation. She called each one, questioning if they knew anything about the lately event, yet they all got ruled out for their dumbfounded innocence. The entire morning she wasted chasing a person who seemed not to exist. 

Maybe she spelled it wrong. So Clarke tried some variations for the name, eventually just typing in the initials to broaden her search, still nothing came up as remotely relative. Discouraged and disappointed, the blonde slopped in her chair, taking some time to revisit the newly acquired information regarding Emerson’s death. 

It saddened her, surprisingly, to think about the man she disliked from the very beginning. Carl Emerson was a rather vile person, vulgar and distasteful, his language, his laugh, his odor and breathes constantly reminded her of the biggest sewage system in the city. Yet he was loyal, pretty skilled, and of much importance to Cage. If Lexa had been with him for the first few days on the run, he must have played a key role in her survival. The images of him brutally beaten to death by Lee’s bouncers were heart-wrenching. 

Clarke ought to thank him, she was quite certain that Emerson died for helping the brunette escape. Thomas, Lee’s second in command, had witnessed the brief tension between Lexa and Cage after she shot Lorelei, he for sure had reported everything back to the Chinese drug lord. And a grieving cousin, Lee had ordered a hit on the two. 

Carl Emerson’s carcass was found in an abandoned parking lot, his tattooed chest was added another scar, a symbol by the Chinese mob’s infamous hit-man, indicating the kill belonged to them. 

The location, however, caused some confusion to the young officer. Lexa would’ve known she was being targeted for killing Lee’s cousin, she could’ve chosen to cross Missouri if her destination was Mexico, but she and Emerson trespassed Chinese territory either way, as if to intentionally provoke them. If that was the case, then her mission was proven to be quite successful, baiting the boss all the way down to Texas. 

Texas… Mexico… Suddenly she jolted up from her seat and lunged forward to the computer. Of course! If this Christopher Chen person could help, Lexa had been looking for him since the moment she escaped. But she couldn’t find him in Chicago because he was not there. Christopher Chen must have been in Mexico, an old friend or someone the brunette trusted. 

While she couldn’t possibly get access to Mexican database, she knew an alumni from the academy who worked in Apodaca prison in Mexico for a while. Ringing him up, Clarke explained her intention to look up an man named Christopher Chen. 

Wells Jaha, her friend and alumni, the defiant son of her boss, was glad to offer his assistance, especially when she didn’t want the older Jaha to know. However, he rang up some acquaintances in the Mexican police force, and got back to her with a kind reminder, “Chances are, whoever you’re trying to find should be American citizen. I got a state police friend, but even if he goes through the system, without a criminal record, there’s a slim chance your person will turn up.” 

“But you’ll try right?” 

“Yes, but from my experience, it might be more helpful to ask someone at the entry-exit admin, see if anyone under that name crossed the border in Texas.”

Thanking him for the advice, Clarke sighed deeply. An overwhelming sense of failing rose in her chest. She was failing the woman she loved, having accomplished absolutely nothing so far. Tears, from the emotional turmoils and exhaustion, were pricking in her eyes. She blinked, and several drops spilled forward. There had been no rest or sleep since the day she found out that Lexa was still alive, and the effect on her weakened body was obvious. 

If Lexa were here, she’d have a set of strong arms ready to catch her when she collapsed, a safe embrace to return to when she had no energy left to keep going, a loving whisper, a gentle kiss, a careful caress to brush away every single tear she shed. 

She dreamed of that warm body against hers, longed for soft lips and kind eyes, and could almost felt the brunette’s presence in her most despairing times. 

Except those weren’t really Lexa. 

Clarke wiped her cheeks and rubbed her eyes, _“pull it together, Griffin,”_ she said to herself, _“if you break now, you’ll never get her back.”_

Just as the blonde sat up in her chair after allowing herself some time to collect her emotions, her cell buzzed. An automatic recording spoke in her ear, “You have a phone call request made by an inmate from Xavier woman’s correctional facility. If you are not willing to accept the call, please hang up; if you are willin—”

Clarke dashed into the restroom to answer the call. “Hello?”

“Officer Clarke Griffin? My name is Anya Trikru.” ****An enunciated, calm voice resonated in the device.

It took her slightly aback. Anya Trikru? That’s the one serving meals and bringing laundry to Lexa? “Ye-yeah.” 

The woman chuckled heartily, sounding confident and relaxed, “I was informed that you wanted to see me. I bet I’m not the one you really want to see. If I could, I’d give her my visiting privilege, but you’ll have to settle with me for the time being.” 

“That’s fine—I mean I would love to have a word with you… if that’s ok.”

“Mmmm, how flattering.” 

“Sorry…” 

Anya laughed into the phone again, making the young officer blush profusely for her clumsy answer. “Ok then, I have put you on my list, and the warden personally approved the request. You may come tomorrow.”  

It almost made her jump. Clarke took a tighter grip at her phone, thanking the woman and this opportunity, “Oh my god, thank you so much, Anya! How can I ever thank you enough! Do you need me to bring anything at all?” 

“I don’t need anything from you, darling.” ****The heiress chuckled again, and came up with a teasing suggestion, “But some nudes will be nice, gets pretty lonely in here, you know.” ****hearing the gasp on the other side, she quickly clarified, “no, not for me, for someone who will appreciate it a lot more.” ****Then with that, her time was up, the phone disconnected, leaving a stunned and flustered Clarke.

 

Back in the cell, Lexa was busy considering her next move. She snuck out of her cell the other night during dinner time, while Anya sat there as her impostor. And she checked up on a couple girls the inmate had suspected as hits sent by the Chinese mob to wipe her out. 

_Diana Sydney, a vicious little bitch, was barking at another woman who transferred into the prison with her. The other woman had a head of pale brown hair, with a slightly scared look on her face._

_“Echo! Why the fuck would you think it’s a good idea?” Diana pinched the skinny girl’s shoulder with malice force, causing a small whimper from the tanned lips, “She’s in solitary. You can’t just demand to see her! It’s practically announcing our arrival!”_

_“Then you think of something else.”_

_Diana impatiently paced around her room, completely unaware of the discreet shadow squatting outside the corner. “I saw that Anya Trikru always brings meal to solitary. She must have access to the‘Commander’.”_

_Lexa screwed her brows together. So Thomas heard Cage calling her Commander, now everybody knew her identity. No way she could wiggle out of this by remaining anonymous._

_“So are you saying we take out Anya Trikru?” Echo suggested._

_Another slap on the back of the brown head, Diana spat at this stupid suggestion, “The fuck no! Do you have any idea who she is? If anything happens to her, what do you think will happen to us? Her mother’s gonna tear us apart if not destroying Lee too.”  
“Then what should we do?” Echo held her head, wincing in tears, desperation forming on her face. _

_“We can’t kill her, doesn’t mean we can’t make her sick. Just one work duty to the solitary, I’ll be able to finish the job.” Diana gnawed and clenched her fists._

_Lexa observed the exchange with interest. Diana Sydney seemed to be a smart woman, dangerous and cunning, but she was too careless. Echo listened to her, yet there was something in this girl that Lexa could explore. The young girl was clearly forced in on this entire mission. If she could take out Diana first and isolate Echo, she might be able to turn her into her own advantage. Classic divide and conquer, she thought to herself._

 

Anya strode in with a mysterious smile, carrying a tray of almost edible content. “Got any ideas how to deal with the attack dogs?” 

“Well, if they want Commander dead, then maybe it’s a good idea to make her disappear.” ****Lexa replied slowly and thoughtfully, reaching out for the tray and picking out only the apple before dumping the whole thing away.

Anya shook her head. She knew the meals were disgusting, but she couldn’t bring commissaries to the brunette for safety purposes. “You know they’ll let you starve before the kitchen staff gets proper training.” 

“I’m not bothered by the food. I’m bothered that there might be poison in it.” 

“And the fruit?” ****The blonde curiously eyed as Lexa broke the apple into halves. “Eww.” A little worm was dangling on the edge of one piece.

“No injection marks, no chemical odor, healthy resident.” ****The brunette picked out the small creature with her forefinger and thumb. The worm, with its newfound freedom, met a doomed fate as the human threw it into the toilet and flushed it away. “Fruit’s ok.” ****Lexa got rid of the rotted half and took a healthy bite on the good half. Not a very cost-effective way for energy consumption, but it’d have to do for now.

“You do know your stuff.” ****Anya was generous on her praising.

Eyeing her companion who was pulling a disgusted face, Lexa gave her a rare smile, then she became serious again, “I’d advise you to be cautious of what you eat these days too. Diana Sydney is planning to poison you.”

“What!?” 

“Not enough to kill you, her goal is to make you sick. So she could cover your duty.”

“And get to you.” ****Anya added, relieved for her life.

Lexa finished her “dinner”, and peered at the now pacing woman with an apologetic eye, “Anya, I’m sorry to have dragged you into my mess. But as soon as I take Diana out of the picture, it should be ok.” 

“It’s no problem, really. Frankly, you’re more fun than all the bitches add together in this place.” ****Anya smirked and suddenly remembered some news she wanted to share with Lexa, “somebody is visiting me tomorrow.”

“Oh? Lover on the outside?” ****Lexa joked. It wouldn’t come as surprise that the powerhouse woman had dozens of girlfriends ready to do whatever she wanted even though she had her fair share on the inside.

“Hmm, lover, yes. Mine, no.” ****The blonde gave her bemused friend a snicker before revealing the truth, “yours.”

Lexa widened her eyes, watching as Anya plopped herself on her bunk with a grin. She couldn’t contain her excitement and practically lunged forward to see whether the brown-eyed woman was teasing her. 

“Get a hold yourself alright? It’s not like she can come in and slip in your cell to do whatever you do.” Anya was now teasing, and successfully induced a faux glare from the brunette, “Now, what do you want me to tell her?” 

 

Clarke stood perfectly still as the guard scanned her for any contrabands. She could now see the interior of visiting room. 

She had been early, even before the sun could reach this facility, she had been waiting in the parking lot, eager to be let in. It was just a wall, several feet thick, heavily secured and completely covered in barbs, but a wall nonetheless that stood in between her and her love. Its unwavering, inanimate, solemn shadow hovered on top of her with intimidation. It took her several deep inhales to approach the dormant giant. 

As she was cleared, Clarke retrieved her envelope and followed the guard into the visitation area. Anya was led in quickly afterwards. 

Clarke, although had seen pictures of the famous, or rather infamous, Asian heiress, couldn’t help but admire the way Anya meandered through tables, head tilted in a proud way, brown eyes sparkling a witty smirk, poise and graceful. She felt like greeting a royal member. 

However, Anya was a complete surprise. She was casual, playful even, as she slumped into the chair across the table and smacked her lips, “Lexa does have superb tastes in women.” 

“Pardon me?” ****Clarke bit her lower lip, detecting the harmless taunting in the woman’s voice.

Anya waved her off, and proceeded with what was really important. “So have you found the person?”

Knowing who she meant, Clarke shook. She had yet to hear back from Wells. 

“Lexa wanted to tell you that the name was an alias, and she’s sorry she doesn’t know his real name.” 

“An alias?”

“Mmmhmm, it’s a person she worked with six years ago. She did say it might be helpful to check the state border database.”

Nodding, Clarke told her that Wells had advised her the same. Now she had a time frame, six years ago. Deciding to fly to Texas in the afternoon, though it wouldn’t guarantee a result, the young officer was determined. “Is she alright? Is everything alright?”

Anya weighed her words. Lexa had asked her not to disclose their predicament yet to the blonde, which would only worry her. But she couldn’t lie either, under the intense and concerned stare of this young woman. They must love each other very much, Anya mused, the looks, of anxiousness, of keenness, in those two pair of eyes were so alike, boring into her own. “She’s been very cautious. Won’t eat anything suspicious, won’t interact with people besides my almighty self, hell she won’t even tell me her plans. A smart woman she is.” 

“Has there been anyone causing troubles?”

“One or two. But like I said, she has a plan to get rid of them, seems pretty confident.” 

Clarke contemplated. Yes, years of living in the underworld kingdom of crime and danger would do that to a person. Lexa had become stoic and cold, at least on the outside, holding her cards close to her chest, and always making back-up plans. She ought to trust her, for her wisdom, her skillfulness, her brilliance. “I’m just really worried about her. I thought I had lost her, not once, but twice. I can’t go through that again.”

Anya was slightly taken aback at the confession. She, not in a million years, would never ever understand the difficulties the pair had been through. Her life was paved with success she had earned, having that much money and that many lovers, she never had to live through the pain of losing the love of her life. Well perhaps parting with Fox had been the closest to painful, but she knew it was never right. Funny how things worked out in life. She lost her freedom and got thrown into prison, yet found herself the front row seat to watch this harrowing, soul-stirring, twisted romance between a drug dealer and a cop. Suddenly she assumed an air of self-importance, as if she were to co-author the plot that defined their destiny. If they would end up together after all this, Anya felt hope for her own life to find the right person amongst all the wrong ones. 

Clarke noticed a remarkable change in the thoughtful brown eyes. And when the woman spoke again, gone the cheeky and humorous attitude, gone the witty comments and flirty remarks, all there left were sympathy, and understanding. 

“You’re not going to lose her, Miss Griffin.” ****Anya whispered reassuringly. She shared more information about the arrangement for the brunette to stay in solitary, and about her private order to a couple of girls to keep an eye out for signs of hits, she seemed to soothe the raging anxiety in the blonde woman. “Lexa said don’t worry about her. And it’s ok if you can’t find the person. It’s a long shot anyways. She holds another leverage, against the feds, if it ever comes down to that.”

“I won’t let it come down to anything.” ****Clarke said with resolution. The fight in her sky blue pools of teary lights shined, making everything else, even the morning sun, pale in comparison.

Anya tilted her head and raised her brows in approval. “Ok then. Good luck to both of you.” ****As she saw the guard moving to the microphone, calling times up for this round of visitation, her smile returned. A gossipy but kind smile it was. ** _“_** I can’t believe I’m saying this… Lexa wanted me to tell you that uh… she loves you, more than anything in the world and she’ll never let anything happen to you. It’s a promise.”

Tears almost flew out of her eyes. Clarke fumbled out an envelope she was able to bring in. “I uh… I took your advice and brought this.” ****She shoved it in Anya’s hands and stood, waiting the guard to call her up.

Without scruples, the older blonde opened the envelope before Clarke could do anything to hinder her curiosity. Then her eyes almost bulged out of her skull to see a page cut out of a magazine. It wasn’t just any page. It was an underwear advertisement. And the model wasn’t just any model. It was a much younger Clarke, with a shorter hairdo and a youthful glow on the pink cheeks, posing before the camera in barely anything. “What the—!?” 

“I did some modeling to get through medschool!” ****Clarke exclaimed, now turning a shade of crimson.

Some people turned towards their direction to see about the fuzz. So Anya tucked the photo back into the white fragranced fold. “You do realize that the guard could see this, and probably make a photocopy too.” ****She questioned her willingness to do this before the guard strode over.

“It doesn’t matter. I just want to make her happy just for a little while. Please make sure it goes through.” ****Clarke insisted nevertheless, then she was led to the exit.

“Oh it’ll make her very happy alright.” ****Anya whistled and let the guard take her to the examination room. She patted the envelope on the desk, deciding to go out of her way for this couple one more time. “I don’t want this examined by male guards and made copies. It’s my girlfriend’s nudes, kinda personal. I’ll only allow the warden to see.”

The guard glanced at her, intimidated. She picked it up and flashed it under the ultraviolet torch, confirming it was a piece of paper and let her through, not wanting to disturb the warden for a matter like this. 

By lunch, Lexa would receive the gift taped under her tray of meager edibles. She opened a small gap to peep in and quickly squeezed it shut again. 

Anya only spared her a bored look. “Well, guess she really loves you too. I’ll leave you two alone then.” 

“Thanks, Anya. I… really appreciate… everything you did for us.” With an all too obvious red cloud on her face, the brunette stammered and walked behind the inmate to see her off from her cell door. With the blonde and the guard out of her sight, she quickly scooted into the cardboard like blanket, and held the envelope to her lips. 

Under her nose, a whiff of familiar scent blended with perfume and shampoo lingered on the white paper. She inhaled deeply again, and let the sweetness invade her every tasting buds. Her tongue swept the ceiling of her mouth as she imagined stroking it against Clarke’s lips, tongue, and then her jaw, her neck, the valley between her soft breasts, each nipple, across the plain of her stomach, and the heavenly garden that hid their most pleasurable secrets. 

Her hands fumbled a little with the envelope to pull out the photograph gingerly. A breath hitched in her throat as her eyes lavished at the young model. Natural and lush blonde hair framed the young woman’s face, and those blue eyes pretending to be sexy but couldn’t hide their owner’s innocence. Long, creamy legs that she could spend her life worshiping, hipbones made prominent by the light lingerie fabric, and the slim waist that hadn’t changed a bit comparing to the time she last held the tender body against hers, and bra-clad full mounds, threatening to bounce free with a flick on the button, then the thin shoulders, provoking the possessive part of her to protect the woman from all the evil in this world. 

A twitch almost painful in between her legs made her realize how long it had been. Almost half a year now. She craved so much for physical intimacy, for someone to hold and make love to, for someone to make love to her. But she would never let any other person. Only Clarke, only the woman she had given her heart and her life was allowed to love her. 

“Clarke…” ****A whisper escaped her lips, so low that it barely rippled the air. She tried to catch the sound and keep it in her mouth, terrified to be deprived of its perfect taste.

A hand ever so stealthily traveled the length of her own stomach and snuck into her pants. It halted momentarily, as if not believing the mad wetness that had already gathered there. 

Maybe it was an ungodly time. Maybe she was going crazy. But in this hour, it didn’t matter. She needed it, a release for all the pent up pressure that had been piling on top of her, and for all the pain, bleeding, scarring she had endured. 

A moan slipped out of her voice cord as she rubbed herself hard and fast. The twinge in her injured shoulder faded as a tide of orgasmic pleasure rose in her ocean. She pressed the photo to her lips, softly kissing the image of the girl she loved more than life itself. 

“I love you, Clarke.” Lexa clutched her hold on the photo, her other hand working at a maniac pace, and declared her affection to the woman in the picture, “I love you so much…” 

Who knew, a mere hour between checks in solitary would bring so many times of bittersweet oblivion, and that much pleasure would bring so many streams of flooding crystal tears. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fucking love Major Byrne in the show. When she died, I was like NOOOOOOOO!!! My bb!!! 
> 
> I can't even think about starting school. Anxiety level: someone please murder me.


	12. Hunt for a hidden history

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa dealt with an immediate threat. Clarke searched for "Christopher Chen" and stumbled upon some shocking history.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't know Eve Harlow (Maya) is Russian, I always thought she was Hispanic.

 

Clarke arrived at work, and found herself summoned by the Lieutenant to her office, where she again faced a very displeased looking FBI agent. Lincoln had people tag her to the prison and was accusing her concealed agenda and betrayal to the law enforcement. 

**_“_** Officer Griffin, I believe you should be dismissed from this case from now on. We don’t have time to discuss your personal involvement yet, but once there is a new lead to prosecute the suspect, we will have to inspect your intentions and actions through internal affair. In the mean time, you’re being suspended, please leave your badge and weapon.” ****Jaha painfully and stoically extended his giant hand, gesturing for the items.

The blonde understood her superior though, as she grudgingly dislodged her gun from the belt and fished out her badge from the jacket. It didn’t matter to her anymore. 

“Clarke, don’t do anything stupid?” ****Before the blonde would follow the agent out of the office, Jaha reminded her with a worried look. It wasn’t his idea to suspend the young officer, but he had to make some kind of statement in from of the troublesome bureau agent. He felt bad even though Clarke seemed to have accepted this punishment.

A deja-vu. Clarke paused slightly as she just stepped out of the room, remembering her Lieutenant had said the same thing previous her undercover mission. She had wondered, whether choosing to be with Lexa was a stupid decision, whether it was worth it to risk everything. Now, she couldn’t even bear the thought. Lexa had given everything, even her life, and she’d only be stupid if she didn’t make her own sacrifice. 

It was not right, she knew that now, what the bureau and the police were doing to the brunette under a preconceived faulty assumption of her guiltiness. Then again, protocols were designed this way. 

She must do the right thing now. 

Without a glance back to the man who looked significantly older than the case had been solved, Clarke took her leave and went directly to the airport. 

 

——

Lexa had talked to Anya one last time. She made herself clear, from then on, it was her fight which didn’t concern the Asian heiress.

“I could help, Lexa. You can’t be absolutely certain the plan is going to work. What if they really are capable?” ****Anya protested.

Shaking her head, the brunette refused, “No, Anya, you can’t jeopardize your own safety and make enemies with the Chinese mob by intervening their hit. I won’t let it.” 

“I have one year left on my sentence.” 

“Exactly.” ****Lexa's attitude was stern, “don’t take more risks, get out of here alive and be the badass you really are, Anya. You don’t belong here.”

“Neither do you.” 

The stubbornness made her chuckle. “You don’t know that. In fact, you don’t know what kind of person you’ve been helping.” ****Actually, the brunette had her reservations toward this heiress in the beginning. She wasn’t sure if Anya was somehow colluded with a certain party that wanted her dead. But after several days of brief encounters, she had found the woman candid and upright, even a little naively so.

Dark brown eyes boring into forest green, Anya observed the woman in front of her and argued with conviction. “If you are the cold blooded murderer they say you are, why would you want to protect me?” 

It momentarily shut her up. A good point, Lexa creased a brow. 

“And Clarke seems to be a good judge of character. She loves you, which by itself speaks a volume of the truth.” 

They started a staring contest, Lexa quietly questioning the reason why Anya would insist on partaking such a risky operation, while Anya holding her stance. 

“It’s my prison. Nobody dies under my watch.”

With a sigh, Lexa laid out both her palms, “nobody’s dying.” ****When the older blonde kept on glaring at her, she finally compromised, “fine. You be there. But don’t do anything other than making sure I don’t expire.”

Hearing that, the woman finally took away the laundry bag she had tossed on Lexa's bunk and left satisfied. 

 

——

Cars passing by swept up clouds of dusty air from the dry pavement. All kinds of cars, cargo trucks, pickups, travel size SUVs, one after another, crossed the checkpoints in Laredo. 

In a rental car that pulled up by the road, a pair of azure eyes eagerly searched for the arrival of her friend behind thick sunglasses. The blonde woman shot up from her seat and scrambled out of her vehicle when she saw the unmistakable figure approaching. 

Wells, a large Black man with a toothy smile, held his muscular arms in front of his chest as he watched his friend move fast toward him. “Clarke Griffin.” ****He grinned, “you’ve become old.”

The Jaha family had always been friends with the Griffins, Jake Griffin, Clarke’s late father, used to be Thelonious Jaha’s deputy before he was promoted to another precinct and passed away. And Wells looked after the blonde when she was in training at the academy where he volunteered as a teaching assistant. 

It had been a while. Clarke temporarily abandoned her heavy mind as she greeted her old friend, inquiring about his life and family. Though she was a little suspicious when he called her back, saying that he had someone in the department of homeland security to pull some ranks, she was reassured by his confidence. Coming from an old police family had its potential benefits, she followed behind him to the control building and thought, there was always somebody to rely on. 

“So, dad said your department was rendered meritorious service this year, how was that?”

Clarke gave him a stiffened smile, “actually, the person I’m trying to find is related to that case.”

He arched a brow, impressed. **_“_** You know, your dad would be really proud.”  
She winced a little at the mention of her late father, then chuckled. Would he still be proud to know that she got herself suspended trying to save her lesbian lover who also happened to be a longtime drug dealer? She thought of his kind, sky blue eyes, the salt and pepper that sprinkled on his temples, his hearty laugh, his voice calling her “baby girl”. He would understand, right? Clarke hoped he would, unlike the old pretentious Griffin clan, he was the most courageous one, with most spirit. But he was gone. Clarke then thought about her relatives, each one of them a specimen of the New England WASP. If they knew, they would’ve flipped out, refused to talk to her, and probably disowned her too. Yet the notion of disgracing her family name felt so distant to her now. She had made up her mind to stop cowering away in front of the vanity of her family, in front of so-called “justice”, and choose to do what she believed was right, for the woman who never deserved all the mistreatment and discrimination, for her conscience. 

 

After a brief introduction and pretended cordial greeting with Wells’ friend, Clarke dived in straight ahead to the technician cubicle. She typed in her badge number to register on the system, secretly nervous that it would show her suspended status. Fortunately, Jaha seemed not to have made it official. 

“Christopher…Chen.” ****The young tech was quick to scan through years of records.

“Wait, Vincent, why does that name sound familiar?” ****From a desk to their left, another officer piped in.

Vincent stopped his dancing fingers momentarily and mused, “Yeah, yeah it does sound familiar.” 

“What?” ****Clarke urged.

“Oh I remember now. There was this Latino woman with a badge also demanding to see the records.” Vincent laughed a little at the odd coincidence, “her badge was invalid. It belonged to some Dax Rogers, who apparently died couple months ago.” 

“Are you sure it was a latino woman?” ****Clarke felt her stomach churning and tingling. She was getting close.

The tech shrugged, “Dunno, we threw her out, she was cursing in pretty fluent spanish.”

It almost made her laugh. This “latino” woman must have been Lexa. 

“Ah, Christopher Chen.” ****Vincent suddenly exclaimed, “2008, crossed the border several times. We flagged him coz his travel was pretty frequent during human trafficking season.”

“He’s Korean.” ****Wells pointed out, a little confused.

An alias no doubt, all the leads she had now pointed to this mysterious Korean man. The record showed her last known residency in Mexico, just barely a hundred miles away from the checkpoint, but the phone number had an oversea code which she didn’t recognize. Since she’d got here already, Clarke decided that she would start from visiting the address. 

 

——

Lexa knew the feds were planning on another session in attempt to crack her, especially after Clarke had found out where she was hidden at. So begrudgingly, she had to tear the magazine pages into small pieces and flush them down the drain, fearing they would toss her cell and discover their relationship. When it came to the fragranced letter folder, she hesitated. It was just a white envelope, if there had been any fingerprints she was sure they were all covered by her own. The lingering perfume was faded, but if she tried really hard, she could smell it off the surface. 

“I’ll keep it. It’s no big deal.” ****She said to nobody in particular, and folded the envelope into a smaller piece, tucked it in her nylon shoulder strap, keeping it safe. Her dislocated shoulder was bothering less than the last interrogation she endured, but she whined, which persuaded the guards that she could keep the elastic strap as well as the thick fabric cast in her possession.

Today they came into use. She uncoiled the cast and wrapped in around the tenderest part of her stomach, in case of a sharp weapon attack. It wasn’t much, but should give her an extra layer of protection. 

When lunch time came, she sat perfectly still, listening to the commotion in the prisoner canteen down the corridor. Fifteen minutes later, she heard people complaining, another five minutes, the chaos broke as someone vomited all over the floor. A guard blew his whistle and ordered the inmate to clean the mess up. Meanwhile, two pairs of footsteps approached her solitary cell. 

She didn’t hear the knock she and Anya agreed on before the cell door was unlocked. Uncomfortable chills ran up her spine as she braced herself. 

The guard’s radio buzzed as some noise came through, “C-block8 come in, C-block 8 come in. Where you at?”

“Solitary meal delivery.” The guard answered. 

“We need help in the cafeteria. A fight broke out.” ****The control impatiently ordered.

The guard knew this inmate substituting Anya Trikru was in for pimping, not some violent crime, so she gave her a warning glance before taking her leave. 

Lexa slowly picked up her head, and found the person she’d been preparing to meet, no other than that one cunning Diana Sydney, standing in front of her. 

“Where’s the Asian chick?” ****Lexa asked, as if her back wasn’t covered in cold sweat.

Diana laid down the tray carelessly, some goo spilled over the container. A smirk stretched on the corner of her lips, “sick.” 

“You poisoned her?” The brunette moved to her feet and backed against the wall, her voice steady and light, not revealing the slightest amount of fear, “that’s a pretty grand gesture, poisoning the whole prison for me. Tell Lee I said thanks.”

A heartless laughter rumbled out Diana’s chest. She pushed up her jumper suit and flashed out a toothbrush tucked at her waist, its rear sharpened like an awl. Then she pushed her hands into the pockets, and when her fists reappeared, they were hooked in a pair of makeshift brass knuckles, made out of duct tape, brass wires and broken pieces of fan blades. 

Fuck, she was prepared, Lexa thought to herself. A bead of perspiration glided across her taut back. Her whole body had become incredibly tense. She whispered through clenched teeth, “just get it over with.” 

“Ha, and there I thought, you might be a tough cookie.” Diana stalked in, not wanting to waste time. “I’d spare your life, but you see, I really, really, can’t—” With the last word, she pounced on the brunette woman. 

Lexa was faster on her feet. She dodged sideway when the other woman charged at her, and made a run for the panic button outside. But just as she was about to reach the door frame, Diana tripped her and pulled at her leg. She fell on her bad arm, and a pained yelp added another victorious grin on the fierce woman’s face. 

With a blow on the side of her cheek, Lexa immediately raised her good arm to protect her head, and kicking at the woman. But then a boney knee dug into her rib, nearly breaking the bone as all 140 pounds of the skeleton slack landed on her. “You motherfucking puta! Ugh, jodame!” ****She cursed and curled on her side.

“Gladly.” ****Diana punched again and again, her fists making a rain on the injured woman beneath her. The brass knuckles scraped the woman’s skin, and broke her gracefully angled nose. Now blood was flying everywhere, covered her hands, her clothes, her face.

Worrying that she might actually die from this seemingly emaciated woman, Lexa couldn’t hold back anymore. In between the punches, she let go of the hand holding her bleeding nose, and smacked the woman right under her jaw. The noise was so loud she could’ve broken the hollow skeletal face. As Diana rolled off her in pain, she scrammed away to take a breather. 

Coming from a wrestler background, Diana Sydney refused to admit her failure. She recovered quicker than the brunette had anticipated, and once again jumped right back into the fight. This time, she unsheathed the sharpened toothbrush, and manically stabbed several times in the woman’s waist. However, the weapon broke once it meet the material of Lexa's layer of protection, the sharpened head flicking and dropping under the bunk out of their reach. 

The moment of hesitation would have been a nice window for her revenge, but Lexa contained the rage burning in her chest and waited. She had to convince this attacker that she would be weakened enough for the second hit to succeed. And to achieve that, she must take the bash until she couldn’t take it anymore. 

Not disappointing, Diana snapped out of her frustration and abandoned the plastic hilt, made a brilliant return with her fists and claws. 

The gash on her nose was slashed open again, and even more blood gushed out, drawing a scarlet vile over her eye. Girls fight dirty, now Lexa understood. She began to feel dizzy, a concussion would very likely result from her miscalculation. Even though she might not admit it, she was secretly glad to have agreed to Anya’s participation. Diana’s ability was definitely underestimated, leaving a great possibility that she might die before the guards returned. As she slowly slipped into an unconscious state, Lexa was praying, “anytime now, Anya…” 

And finally, with a last punch on her brow, the muscles in her neck went limp, and the siren from the panic button just down the corridor wailed. 

 

——

If it weren’t for Wells and his badge, Clarke would have had a very hard time convincing the old Mexican landlord lady to tell her about the previous resident at the address she found. 

“What’s she saying?” ****She leaned to whisper to him.

He was still conversing with the woman in spanish. Then he was nodding vehemently, “she says that Christopher Chen left her a number, in case some people are coming to cause her trouble.” 

“No creo problemas, abuela.” ****Clarke waved her hands and promised awkwardly, “but I’d still like to borrow that number if that’s ok.”

So eventually, probably cursed a dozen times by the peevish grandma, Clarke got her number. She dialed, and got hung up on the first two calls, but when she dialed the third time tenaciously, it finally got through. “Hello? Christopher?”

“No, it’s Monty, who dis?” ****An annoyed voice cracked through the speaker, with a hint of hippiness, and Latino accent.

“Uhm, this is officer Griffin and senior officer Wells Jaha, we’re looking for a mister Christopher Chen. Mrs. Mendez gave me this number.”

Then the line went silent, almost as if “Monty” had hung up, but the clear breathing was still heard. 

Clarke eyed Wells, who understandingly nodded and backed away to leave the blonde with her own quest. She timidly asked again once left alone, “I know it was an alias, were you Christopher Chen?” 

“If you already know that, Officer Griffin, why are you asking?” ****All of a sudden, gone the hippiness, the man spoke with perfect standard Canadian-American English that sounded all too familiar to her.

_“Monty? What’s wrong?”_ Another voice, a little chipper, asked from the other side. 

_“There’s a crazy cop asking about Christopher Chen.”_ Monty replied in a whisper. 

Clarke had to roll her eyes at the remark. 

_“Well what’d you do then?”_

_“How the hell am I supposed to know? I thought you guys took care of that.”_

The argument continued for thirty seconds, and Clarke was becoming irritated. “Hello?”

“Lady, who sent you?” ****The other voice took over.

The young officer screwed her brows together, not sure if she trusted these people. “I asked the question first, are you Christopher Chen?” 

“Yes.” 

“What the hell, Jasper!” ****Monty apparently snatched over the phone again. “What do you want from me, officer?”

The slight panic in that voice didn’t go unnoticed, Clarke thought about the situation. She was a law enforcer, though suspended temporarily, she still had the upper hand when dealing with some ex-cons. “I want you to tell me how do you know Lexa Woods?” 

“What did you say?”

“Lexa Woods.” Then the other side went completely silent this time. In shock, or in confusion, Clarke couldn’t decide. She was scared to lose the connection, feeling propelled to say something. “Do you, do you know her? Was she one of your people?”

The phone switched hand once again, and the man named Jasper talked, “We haven’t heard from her for over five years. Thought she was dead.”

“She’s alive. And she’s in trouble. Can—can you help? She told me to find help.” ****The flicker of hope shined in her eyes, Clarke pressed on.

“That’s weird. I thought she didn’t want anything to do with us anymore when she drifted.” 

“What do you mean?”

“Not a conversation I wanna risk on the phone. Where are you?” Then Jasper smacked himself on the back of his head, “of course you’re at Mrs Mendez’s. I’ll tell you how to get here.” 

And half an hour later, Clarke found herself alone in the poorest, nastiest and most likely deadliest neighborhood of the city, bald tattooed bikers spatting on the street where hookers stood, children ringing a broken bell on a bicycle selling low-quality condoms, and elders snapping close their blinds with suspicion upon seeing a strange vehicle. She stepped into a small salon, Wax, and searched for the small raven haired man on the fake passport record. 

When the two men sat relaxed in their respective chairs swirled around to face her, she let out a quivering sigh that she had been holding from the moment she stepped out of her car. They looked not at all intimidating, both svelte and calm, and gave her a rather neutral once-over. 

 

——

It wasn’t too difficult waking up, not when her entire body screamed in distress. Her shoulder throbbed and cracked with every rise and fall of her chest, her side hurt like someone had dug a chisel in between the ribs, her ears ringing, her nose sore and sensitive. Lexa gasped out when she shot open her eyes to a brightly lit room. 

The nurse’s station, she recognized the interior design. 

“Ugh, fuck.” Cursing, when the cracked bones and broken tendons shifted with her move, the brunette gripped at the clean bed sheet to stop a weakened whimper. She sat up, wincing at the pressure it brought to her bruised flesh and open wounds, and she breathed out a chuckle through grinding teeth. 

Anya had sticked to the plan, by convincing the nurse to give her the lowest dosage of painkiller so she could gain her consciousness and become highly alerted relatively soon. It was not without a price though.  

She had misjudged the consequences of her plan. Now they were all deeply imprinted in her flesh, on her limbs and torso. But she had to carry on. 

Just like the two of them predicted, a flash of pale brown hair appeared in the hallway where no one, at this time in the night, was allowed wandering in. 

The attack had been kept a secret under strict FBI orders, and Diana Sydney was taken to maximum security with ten years added to her sentence for attempted murder. 

Echo got a message from people working for the “Ice Queen”, informing that Diana had not reported back and had failed. She heard the panic button and saw the chaos in the nurses’ station still going on after all of the prisoners had been discharged from the food poisoning. It was pretty obvious, even to her, that her target was being treated there. And tonight, the sleepy guards on posts, the lack of attending head nurse, and a seriously injured “Commander”, made it a perfect window for a second hit. If she didn’t make it, Lee would be very mad, the Queen would be very mad, Echo mused in terror. 

So unsuspiciously as she went, the skinny woman snuck out, and went for the patient lying on the makeshift hospital bed. The sharpened tool in her hand was about to land on the woman’s chest, she was caught by a pair of furious green eyes.

In a split second, Lexa pushed her palm at the girl’s jaw and threw her off of her body. Her other hand caught Echo’s wrist, and twisted it with all the might she possessed, until hearing a snap in the socket, and the weapon clanked as it met the floor. She blocked her pain sensors temporarily and swiftly mounted the girl who had fallen on the ground in pain, forcing a pillow case in her mouth to stop her from crying out loud. 

“Shut up!” ****Lexa hissed like an animal, her eyes red as if she really was hungry for blood. “Shut up before I pull your eyeball out.” ****She pulled out the hidden envelope from under her shoulder strap, pressing it millimeters from Echo’s scared blue eyes. A piece of paper, when used correctly, could be a very efficient tool for torture.

Instantaneously, the girl held still under the wounded beast of a woman, too afraid to even let out a labored breath. Her lashes fluttered under the proximity of the sharp edge as she waited for the inevitable. 

Yet, the brunette on top of her rolled aside, smothering a wretched huff while she sat against the door. 

Echo curled on her side into a ball, holding her dislocated wrist and sobbed. 

It had been a while before Lexa spoke again, in a less infuriated voice, “I’m not gonna kill you, as long as you do something for me.”

Without hearing a confirmation from the blonde, Lexa scooted in to clamp her fingers around Echo’s neck, adding some pressure on the bobbing voice cord and removing the cloth in her mouth. 

“You’re gonna call your boss, and you’re gonna tell him that Commander is dead. Hmm?” 

“Ok! Ok I’ll call.” ****The girl choked out, more tears rolling down her cheeks as she pleaded for her life, “I’ll call.”

 

——

Clarke was sobbing, all the way on the flight back to Chicago. Blue pools were clouded with a thin sheath of water vapor, she almost knocked herself on the chair when she was boarding. Luckily, she had three companions beside her. 

Jasper Jordan, Maya de la Montana Clima, and one eccentric Monty Green. 

It all started when Anya had called her late in the afternoon. 

 

_“Clarke, I have something to tell you.” Anya had said, very grimly she sounded._

_“What is it? Is…is everything alright?” Her heart started to pound in an ominous rhythm._

_And the worst thing she had anticipated came true. “Lexa's been hurt.” A strangled cry interrupted Anya, and the older woman was a little frantic at the sound, “she’s ok—I mean she will be. I mean, it’s pretty bad but it’s all part of her plan.”_

_Before the call, there had been an important conversation going on, which casted a lot more shocking truth and understandings about Lexa's story for Clarke._

 

_Her eyes went as wide as her skull allowed when Jasper fished out a dusty file from the safe built in the basement under the seemingly innocent salon. And they went wider still, when the file flicked open._

_Old CIA files._

_On the first page, it was a much younger Lexa, no more than 20 years old. Her big Bambi eyes were bloodshot with tears, a pretty nasty wound resided on the ridge of her left eyebrow, and her skin a layer of dusty grey. Under the photo, there was a file which recorded her involvement with a local gang responsible for various criminal activities. But she wasn’t charged or prosecuted, the blank under her status had a word “neutralized” printed there.  
“Is this…?” Clarke flipped through the pages, and noticed the icky-looking teenage girl started to transform into the woman that she was today. Those green eyes were unfaltering in front of the cameras, and every time they grew a little bit colder. “What did she…?” _

_“Juvenile offender, mingled with a wrong clique in school.” There had been another girl who opened the safe. Maya, her name was. “That was before we recruited her.”_

_“So she was doing some kind of secret mission?”_

_“More like a criminal activity informant to make up for jail time.” Monty scolded dismissively._

_The Hispanic girl seemed to have a fond impression of the brunette, “she was a pretty important informant at the time. Do you remember Gustavo el bazuca?”_

_Jasper provided the history when Clarke shook her head in confusion, “notorious rebellion militia ring leader. He threatened to take control over the Mexican government, which could cause a political crisis. We crippled his arsenal resource just in time. He had laid dormant ever since. His cult had crumbled pretty fast.”_

_“But how did it involve Lexa?”_

_Maya volunteered on the taletelling, “Lexa Woods was an informant we planted in a cartel, which was benefiting from Gustavo’s agenda and in return buying arsenals from the States for him. She was at the bottom of the chain, nobody took her seriously, basically invisible. We were able to sabotage and leak fake informations through her, and eventually created a fallout between Gustavo and the cartel.”_

_“Then she quit.” Monty blurted out again, his patience wearing low._

_Clarke ignored the grumpy Asian guy, and inquired the reason why Lexa had given up on this work and taken the risk to go back to the States._

_“It didn’t go without an…avoidable complication.” Maya’s next words were spoken heartbreakingly. “Mrs Lucia Woods, Lexa's mother, was suspicious that her daughter had gotten into some bad kids at university. She was absolutely right, except she didn’t know about us. We asked Lexa to keep it from her mom.”_

_This revelation had effectively shut up Monty, who bit his lower lip in sorrow too. He might have problems with how the brunette dealt with things, but he still sympathized with her loss._

_“Lucia followed her daughter that night, when the squabble escalated into a gun fight. El bazuca fled, Lexa was a hotheaded twenty something, she wanted to catch him. And Gustavo was a mad man, he would not hesitate to kill whoever was standing in his way. But instead, his car hit Lucia.”_

_Painfully so, Jasper added, “A mother would never let her child get hurt.”_

_“That’s the accident? That’s how Lexa lost her mother?” Clarke felt the unbearable tingles in her eyes and nose. She couldn’t start to imagine, how the brunette was feeling when she talked about life in Mexico, when she downplayed the tragedy to an accident, when her heart must be breaking but she pretended to be strong._

_“It was devastating. Lexa blamed herself for that, started to give up, doing drugs, destructing her correlation with her voucher.”_

_“Me.” Monty pointed to himself, “I was Christopher Chen.”_

_“She drifted away because she was angry, with us. We let her.” Maya said with regret evident on her face.“Five years and not a word. And we were sure that she had evaporated, or worse, she had died.”_

_“How could she even reach you? She doesn’t know your names!” Clarke glared at the trio reproachfully._

_“It’s a required precaution, officer. I believe you understand that.” Jasper remained calm and mostly unaffected. “She could’ve found us if she wanted. You did.”_

_“Yeah, too fucking late.”_

_The Hispanic girl felt terrible, that much was easy to tell by her concerned expression. She suggested that they lend help, and the three entered a heated debate about the conflict of interests._

_“She left. She broke the terms.” Monty still held a grudge over Lexa's indifferent treatment toward him._

_“Well don’t you feel at least a bit guilty about it? We pressured her, we made the decision for her. We caused it.”_

_Then Clarke got Anya’s call, then she was breaking down in front of three startled agents. So at last, with a compassionate Maya, a neutral-looking Jasper, and a grudging Monty, they hopped on the first plane back to Chicago._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of delay, my apologies. I posted another story in my Omegaverse Domestic Training series. Check it out if it appeals to you. 
> 
> I really need to go to bed after watching Tom and Jerry for hours. Best cartoon or what!!!


	13. So in trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke defends the woman she loves, while Lexa makes a bargain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this pretty much sums up the hardship Clarke and Lexa would go through.

 

It was a spotted light at first, starring back at her from the pitch black abyss that seemed to stretch on forever. Then the brightening dot started to dance up and down before her eyes, twirling in an asymmetrical pattern, expanding to a white line that speared the darkness apart. 

She had been unable to feel anything for what seemed like a century, shackled in this bottomless dungeon. Now it all changed, the numbness in her fingertips was chased away by uncomfortable tingles, and the thudding of her heart carried waves after waves of throbbing pain, her head felt heavy, sinking deeper in the plump feathery sack under it. Her ears pricked suddenly as her senses started to awake, some cool breeze was tickling her overheated skin. She tried to contain the noisy beats that came from the hollow of her carcass, and listened intently in an attempt to pinpoint the source. 

A whisper. 

_“Lexa,”_ the voice of a sweet angel was beaconing her, it sounded a bit coarse and nasal though, _“baby open your eyes. It’s ok, it’s me, baby.”_ Her angel had been crying, she mused in a heavy mindset. 

_“Why isn’t she waking up?”_

A voice belonged to an older woman answered, _“The anesthesia should wear off soon. But she is spiking a fever, her body just went through some serious trauma, she’ll wake up when she’s ready.”_

_“I am ready.”_ Lexa wanted to reply, but her throat was so tight the voice cord couldn’t vibrate to make a sound. Her lips parted just for a second, to allow a breath to carry out one single syllable, “…Clar…” 

“Oh my god, baby?” ****A hand clutched at hers, and a soft body leaned in anxiously.

Her eyelids were glued together, hurting when they fluttered to part. A frown twitched in between her brows. She tried, really really tried, but it wasn’t of much use. 

A cold hand was quick to cup her face as she noticed her bruise wasn’t as bad as she remembered, and it actually felt nice against her feverish skin. 

The angel at her bedside spoke again, in a smoother and soothing tone, “It’s ok, Lexa. Whenever you’re ready. I’m not going anywhere, just rest, just sleep.” 

_“I won’t leave you again.”_

 

By the sleeping woman, there sat a blonde in rumbled clothes. Her hair was messy, eyes shadowed with tiredness, but her condition was not comparable to that of the brunette woman. She gently caressed the emaciated face for the countless time in the last few hours, and applied some moisture using a Q-tip on the slightly chapped lips. 

Clarke had kept her promise, to not leave Lexa's side even if the sky were to crumble on top of her. 

As the brunette drifted deeper in her slumber again, Clarke only dared to let out a labored breath, feeling the last 72 hours taking a toll on her entire being. 

It had been 72 hours, each hour, each minute, each second a torturous slashing that threatened to tear open her strong facade and bare her bleeding heart. But at least, she got _her_ back, she could hold her, and watch her sleep in the safety of their little hospital cubicle. And the memory of all the excruciation rapidly faded into background noise. 

Clarke slumped in her chair and rubbed at her temples. Her mind still working at full speed to register and make sense of what had happened in the last three days, how had it all changed their destiny. 

 

_“Quiet, or I’ll cut your tongue out.” Lexa made a familiar threat and led the young hostage to the phone call area. She was holding a pair of medical forceps and limping a little under the ripping pain in her side. Anya was already waiting for them by a phone._

_“You ok?” The older blonde eyed her up and down with concern. Lexa looked really pale, as if she would collapse at any moment._

_Nodding stubbornly, the brunette shoved Echo forward, “make the call, now.”_

_Anya had ordered one of the more technology-savvied inmate to sabotage the phone line, leaving it connected after restricted hours._

_Echo dialed with her left hand awkwardly, and the call went through._

_“How did it go?” A rumbling man’s voice broke through the phone, and the skinny girl shuddered a little. Feeling Lexa's forceps pressing into her back, she swallowed and pretended to be calm, “Commander is dead.”_

_“Good.” He was about to hang up when Anya grabbed the phone to everyone’s surprise. Lexa shook her head in warning, but the heiress opened her mouth._

_“This is Anya Trikru.”_

_The man paused, then he asked, “what do you want?”_

_“You made a mess in my prison. Tell Lee that I am not pleased with the bloody scene, and I want payback.”_

_“In what form?” He prepared to negotiate._

_Anya glanced at the shuddering blonde, and smirked, “No innocent woman will take the fall of your dirty job, so I suggest you don’t expect to get your Black Memba back any time soon.” Then she added, to push him further, “and I don’t offer protection for a hit girl either. If the cleaning detail decides to take revenge, I won’t stop them.”_

_After a short silence, he said, “Fair enough. The Ice Queen agrees, do whatever you want with her. She’s all yours.”Then he hung up._

_Echo completely broke down. Her last hope for the higher up to protect her had been shattered. She slumped down to the cold tile and sobbed._

_With a scold, Anya gestured the girl to stand, “see? That’s the kind of people you sold your loyalty to.”_

_Echo chocked on her tears and looked up to Anya with confusion._

_Anya rolled her eyes, “You do know you didn’t actually kill her, right?” She pointed to the brunette standing, alive, well for the most part, beside them, “You’re my bitch now. Tell the nurse you slipped on your hand tomorrow. Go on, fuck off.”_

_As the girl scurried away, Lexa creased her brow, impressed by Anya’s savage but diplomatic people skill. “That skunk’s gonna worship you.” With that, she returned to the nurse’s station, feeling a giant weight lifted from her shoulders. Relaxing into the bunk, she took her time to rest and lick her wounds._

 

_At the same time, a lithe figure paced outside the iron walls, dim lamp lights bouncing off golden hair. In the car, there sat three dark-haired agents chatting among themselves. They had been denied entry upon arrival, for the prison’s regulations, but Clarke demanded the prison guard to contact warden Byrne._

_So at first light of dawn, the warden showed up, followed by a government plated car, from which came out a very displeased looking agent Murphy._

_“Officer Clarke Griffin, I hope you understand the repercussion of your deliberate disobedience.” The FBI agent was pissed off to say in the least, still grudging about being dragged out of bed early in the morning to deal with some kind of emergency at the prison where she held a critical suspect. How wasn't he surprised, to find the cause to be this young officer?_

_Then Murphy eyed the small crowd consisting two skinny guys and a short woman in silent questioning, until Jasper stepped up, and extended his hand, “You must be agent Murphy. My name is Jasper Jordan, senior CIA record admin for recruited criminal informants. And my colleagues, Monty Green, operative agent, Maya de la—you know what, just Maya, technician.”_

_As the skinny brown haired man introduced, Clarke felt a bit victorious to see Murphy’s beady eyes widen._

_“I believe you’re holding someone valuable to our agency.” Jasper ignored the FBI agent’s protesting stare, and nodded to Martha, “You may lead the way, warden.”_

 

_It was the second time Clarke had seen the brunette after the capture. Lexa looked even more frail, beaten up and in a great deal of pain. She was taken to a secluded area of the prison where the interrogation would proceed once again. Upon seeing the three agents whose face were tanned from desert sun, Lexa's reaction convinced the FBI agent that she did, in fact, know them as CIA operatives._

_“Chen, Glasses, and hipster chick with a long ass family name.” Lexa bade them greetings in the only way she knew. Even though their names remained secret from her, the fact they showed up was a reason good enough to believe they were to help her._

_Lexa came clean to Jasper, who she knew was the most authoritative agent among the bunch, about her involvement within Civet’s sphere of influence, as well as the alleged shootings._

_“He valued my expertise in counter-detection and knowledge about all sorts of ammo, because I dealt arsenals before.”_

_Jasper nodded, and filled in the FBI agent about the time she worked as an informant._

_“Tell us about Clarke Griffin.” Murphy insisted._

_“I knew she wasn’t just a nurse, pretty much from the beginning,” Her eyes softened at the topic, though her expression remained stoic from the stabbing ache in her stomach. “Not that she was a terrible undercover. I had suspicions because I knew her before. And…I pursued her, I let her infiltrate to gain information on Cage, I covered for her.”_

_“And yet, you shot her.”_

_“In the gluteus maximus, so I don’t nick her artery. I had to, Lorelei Tsing was threatening her and I couldn’t get a clean shot.”_

_Murphy had to ask to make sure. Well this was unheard of. “You killed Tsing to save Clarke Griffin.”_

_“What happened next?” Jasper was immensely interested._

_Lexa told them about Cage shooting her in the chest, dying, then she was pulled out from the rubbles and fled with Emerson. The man found her a doctor, who fixed her the best he could with a gun pointed at his head. And they drove to Iowa._

_“Why did you trespass the Chinese territory?” Nobody had figured out this detail._

_“Distraction. For all they knew, ‘Commander’ was the traitor. So I baited them away.”_

_“So it’s also to protect Clarke Griffin.”_

_There was a few minutes in an absence of any sounds, four pairs of eyes trained on the brunette who seemed to be weighing her words. Then she replied, “and avoid a genocide. If they so much as lay a finger on her, I’d kill them all.”_

_The venom in her voice came as a great shock to everyone but Maya. She somehow understood, that Lexa would not allow another person she loved to be taken away from her, no matter what she had to do, what she had to go through._

 

_Clarke was excluded from the questioning. She got a call from a furious Thelonious Jaha, who not only heard the little shenanigan from the bureau, but also from national security._

_“You’re pushing it too far, Griffin,” Jaha fumed into the phone, “to the point it’s punishable.”_

_And she didn’t know what came across her, Clarke answered, “Sir, I’m sorry to cause the trouble, but I resign.” Before Jaha could gasp and berate her more, she hung up, and watched in concern as the four agents left the room for a brief discussion._

_Jasper was first to speak, “Agent, you heard her, it’s not just about herself. Anya Trikru, Echo, and even the warden would be targets if Lee knows the assassin wasn’t successful.”_

_“She should’ve never forged her own death.” Murphy argued, his attitude not soften upon obtaining every single piece of the story Lexa just gave them._

_“What, she should just die? If pressing charges is a more prominent issue than protecting lives, then you’ve got some fucked up priorities.” Maya became a bit fed up by the agent._

_Only Monty remained somewhat in between, still wavering about whether to help his former CI, or to let the law enforcement deal with her in the conventional way. But the conventional way always ended up with someone dead. “People,” he said just loud enough to capture their attention, “none of you are thinking rationally. I understand you’re feeling guilty,” he looked at Jasper, “you like her,” and Maya, then to Murphy, “and you don’t. But have you considered what actual benefit her offer could bring? Does it hurt to test out?”_

_Though she didn’t know what kind of offer they talked about, Clarke swallowed nervously to see the others contemplate Monty’s words, and she relaxed just for a little bit when they looked amongst themselves, having arrived at a consensus._

_“We’ll investigate the border patrol Cage bribed and sold, then decide.” Murphy fished out his phone to make the call._

 

Clarke leaned forward to print a kiss on the sweat soaked forehead, the solidity of its hot temperature was oddly comforting. 

It turned out that Lexa had gathered a lot of Cage’s secret associates over the years, even kept tabs on the ones Cage had severed the ties with. This was the leverage she held, information, contacts, dirt and evidence that could destroy a lot more than just a cartel and patch up loopholes on a level that concerned national security. 

The blonde had wondered why these only came out at that specific time and point. If Lexa had told them in the beginning, maybe the attack would be avoidable. Then it dawned on her. The brunette didn’t trust the feds, she would have been forced to testify against Lee, then as soon as she got thrown out from witness protection, whatever street dogs Lee got left on the outside would come after her, which seemed much more difficult to fight off than two hit girls in prison. So she held off till the Chinese were convinced that she had been eliminated, Clarke found people who would take her side, and arrived at a position where she could negotiate. 

It almost looked like she had this planned all along. And she was prepared for its consequences. 

“You poor fool, think you’re so smart huh?” ****Her voice was gentle, but the displease in it was obvious. She sat there, stroking the brunette’s skin as she nagged on.

A twitch at the corner of Lexa's lips didn’t go unnoticed, as if the woman asleep found it amusing. 

“It’s not funny. I was so worried, you know? I was so worried something might happen to you. I just got you back…” ****Clarke cooed as she abandoned the wet cloth and rested her head against Lexa's good shoulder, breathing the prison’s musty oder that lingered.

A small whimper escaped the brunette’s throat, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. She turned her head in the direction of Clarke’s soft skin, her lips brushed across the smoothness in a way that resembled a kiss. Even in her deepest slumber, her muscles remembered how to love the woman. 

 

_It was well into the afternoon, before Murphy got his reply. Homeland Security was finally able to locate the boarder patrols bought in on criminal activities by the drug lord, who were then later sold to a human trafficking group._

_“So, at least she’s honest with us. Now we should hear what she asks for in return of the rest of her black book.” Monty piped up and led themselves back into the interrogation room where they kept the brunette all morning._

_Lexa wrote down a list of names, aliases, whereabouts, and functions. She also flagged out several people who potentially would testify against Lee. “I don’t care what you do to me, all I’m asking, is that you leave Clarke and everybody else out of this. I was the perpetrator, I dealt drugs, I shot fires, and I’m not saying I don’t regret my actions, but it’s something out of my control.”_

_Murphy bent forward to snatch the paper out of Lexa's hand, but unsuccessfully so as Lexa demanded his promise. “Fine.”_

_“Write it down, sign it, and hand it to her.” When the federal agent hesitated to weigh the gain and loss, the brunette threatened with the list close to her mouth, “or my digestive system gets the names and nobody gets anywhere.”_

_“Ok, I’ll write it.” He admitted defeat._

_When the piece of promise came out, Clarke wanted to know what they were going to do to Lexa._

_“Woods admitted her crimes, and we will discuss about her management.”_

_The agent’s wording triggered Clarke’s rage, “Management? Management!? Lexa's a person! And she’s doing the best she can to make up for what she did wrong.”_

_“She is still a criminal.”_

_“All she ever did was to protect people she cares about, and every time it went wrong, she took the blame on herself. She’s a criminal, because she’s been treated like one ever since she remembered. People never gave her the benefit of the doubt and treated her like she deserved nothing but shit, for what? For things she never did, for a father she never knew. You call that right? You call that justice?”_

_Then she turned to Jasper’s bunch, “you people threw her into the mess in the first place. She lost her mother because of it, for god’s sake! And now, now you can’t track down the real evil and Lexa has to wipe the shit off your asses.”_

_“And you, agent Jonathan Murphy,” Clarke gnawed her teeth to pronounce that name, “You served in the military, and I admire that. But do you have any idea how terrifying it is like to undercover in a drug cartel? I was going insane for staying just a few weeks, Lexa had been in one since eighteen years old! Do you, any of you, know how much it destroys people?”_

_“I do.” Came the small reply from little Monty. Though his face remained expressionless, his voice betrayed the twinge that he carried with that experience, “I suppose you have a point.” He nudged at Jasper, who was blown away at Clarke’s spot-on accusations._

_The skinny and tall man hawked a bit before snapping out of it. “Um, technically, Lexa still counts as a CIA informant agent, if her voucher never filed a discharge paper. And the majority of her contribution lies in the range of national security, which is our domain.”_

_“Are you suggesting we hand over the case to you? You have no authority over me on American soil.” Murphy held his ground, which was becoming irritating for the blonde._

_Clarke clenched and unclenched her fists, containing her temper at best and holding off the urge to assault a federal agent._

_But Jasper was not a push-over either, “I will ask people to check out the trafficker in Mexico, and if it comes back positive, I will take her over as an asset, instead of a valueless prisoner, even if that requires a president’s signature.”_

_So they brought out the big guy. Murphy looked a little defeated, not knowing Jasper was totally bluffing. “Fine, I give you one day.”_

_“Good enough for me.”_

 

_It turned out, indeed, good enough for the operatives in Mexico. They apprehended a truck full of smuggled women from the country on its way to some major pimps in California._

_The FBI agent grudgingly called up his superior and signed some paperwork as they got to an agreement with the CIAs._

_Lexa was not expecting this kind of leniency when Jasper told her that she would soon to be relieved of all charges. The only punishment were to turn over every last cent of her illegal income to the country, and agree to not leave the confinement of the area her new identity allowed. They also went out of their length to leak a “top-secret announcement” that Lexa Woods, the“Commander”, really died in Xavier, whether the Ice Queen or the Chinese cared or not was no longer their concern. If felt like a daze, as she tried to grasp this uncanny change of her fate. She wanted to smile, she wanted to sink down to her knees, she wanted to tell Clarke about this news, but something inside her burst, and a tide of pain, unlike anything she had felt before, ripped her like a dagger digging out smashed flesh._

_Clarke practically begged Jasper to let her in and see the soon to be free woman. The CIA agent gave her a nod and she was lunching for the door. “Lexa!” Her voice gave away her excitement as she broke through the door._

_“Clarke…” The brunette tried to mirror the teary smile on Clarke’s face, but her feet wobbled when she stood. A panicked look flashed across the wounded face._

_“Lexa? Baby are you ok?”_

_“I don’t—I don’t feel so good.” An understatement to her condition. But she didn’t want to worry the blonde._

_“Oh my god! Lexa!” Clarke was quick to arrive at the woman’s side, just in time to capture her falling body. It was so light in her arms, too light for a 5’6’’ woman. “Somebody help!” She cried and screamed, until Maya jumped beside her and told the others to call up the doctor._

 

She later was informed that Lexa had been suffering from appendicitis for some time. And her body, under ever lasting pressure, had been stretched to its maximum resilience until it was finally let loose. The sudden relaxation had caused her appendix to burst. Transported to a hospital in discretion, operated on, and taken care of the wounds that wasn’t healing properly, Lexa slept, for the longest time in her life. 

In a dreamless darkness, Lexa felt secured for some reason. It might be the constant pressure holding her hand, or the small whispers that were either to comfort her or to intimidate her but failing undeniably. 

Clarke ran her palm across the gauzed midriff, finding those once taunt and prominent abs had now gone a bit feeble, and there was not an ounce of disposable fat underneath the grayish skin. She angled her head up to nip at the brunette’s bottom lip, “How long since you’ve eaten a proper meal, hmm? You’re in so much trouble when you wake up…” 

Lexa purred in response, lashes fluttering and chest heaving. She has finally mustered up enough courage and strength for another attempt at confronting reality. She had a slight hunch though, that the reality would welcome her return. 

“Wake up, baby… I’m here. I got you, come back for me.” ****Clarke pestered the sleeping beauty with a dozen more pecks, and waited in elation for the dark eyes to regain focus.

Emerald eyes blinked several times, coating a thin layer of tears to protect the dilated pupils from the light. Then those black dots shrunk to a reasonable size, shivering a little on the blaring green discs. Lexa opened her mouth to say something, but her windpipe was raw and scratchy, her tongue dry and numb. 

A cup of clear liquid magically appeared in front of her to ease the discomfort. The brunette gulped from it, hands grasping the pale one holding the cup in fear it would be taken away. 

“Shh, slow down, big girl, slow down. There’s plenty water, don’t worry.” ****Clarke cooed patiently when some spilled out on them both. She had never seen the woman quite vulnerable like this. It hurt to think how much pain Lexa was masking before she allowed herself to break down completely.

Eventually the life consuming thirst died down, and she released her grip on Clarke’s hand, slouched into the bed and panted, nursing the cup. Golden hair flickered in the corner of her eyes. Lexa abandoned the water source while she found another, reaching out to thread her fingers in the blonde tresses, cradling the slender neck in her arm, her mouth found the most treasured site she had been craving for. 

It was a sloppy kiss, mouths slanting together, all teeth and tongue, and the residual of water that had yet to be swallowed. Certainly not the tenderest one they had shared, but neither cared. 

Clarke was confused at first, in the momentary craze, and reciprocated the seeking without concern, because oh it felt so right to be ravaged, to be devoured by the woman who acted like a wounded beast. It reminded her of Lexa's incomparable power, the might in those rippling muscles, the glory in her physique. But she quickly remembered the bruise on that beautiful face, slowing down, minding the angry scar sitting across a broken nose. “Oh Lexa…” Her hand was still holding that cup, but the back of her fingers grazed the tender skin on Lexa's neck, feeling a strong and rapid pulse against her digits. 

The pain didn’t bother her anymore. It was still there, but fading to a lesser extent. So what, a couple of cracked ribs, a dislocated shoulder, a bashed nose, and a discarded appendix, as long as her lips could press against the soft, pink mouth, as long as she could breathe in Clarke’s unmistakeable scent, she would have done it all over again. 

Pulling back slightly to allow some air to fill their lungs, Clarke rested her head against Lexa's cheek. But she could’t stay away for too long, her lips always found their way back to those slightly swollen ones for intimacy. Kissing Lexa, touching her, hearing her moans, had made it all real. This wasn’t just another dream preluded nightmare, this wasn’t a drug induced fantasy, this was life. Her life, their life, and she considered it to be pretty good. 

A smirk surfaced on the injured face. Lexa admired the glassy azure eyes, a bit impressed by her own influence on the blonde woman. “So,” ****her voice sounded hoarse but incredibly seductive in between kisses, “am I still in trouble?” ****

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just can't wait for the IAAF world championship! Such a shame Sally Pearson can't run this year :( but on the bright side, still many beautiful ladies in spandex to drool over (≧ω≦)


	14. We are home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa are finally left alone. In each other's company, they talk about fears, and hopes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some smut, and sappy moments.

 

She had been worrying, pacing in the hallway in attempt to catch her boss when she heard Clarke had resigned and Jaha was in a foul mood, screaming to everybody for days like some kind of furious animal. Raven tried to pry for the tiniest piece of information so she could tell Octavia that their friend was alright, though she seriously doubted it. 

And when the birdie hovered around on the outside of the Lieutenant’s office, Octavia was fumbling tubes and potions in Raven’s lab. The only thing that kept her from blowing up the place was her meager understanding of high school chemistry textbook.  

“Griffin, you’re so dead the next time I see you.” ****Octavia mumbled to herself, and continued to cook up the concoction for her own experiment of melting one of Raven’s forceps.

“Pardon me?” ****A deep and reserved voice appeared at her doorstep.

It was a voice Octavia recognized too well. “You,” ****she charged toward the startled FBI agent, “where is she? What did you feds do to her? Do you think just coz you’re government you can bury everyone like some kind of alien secret?”

“What are you talking about, Octavia Blake?” ****Lincoln rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses, the corner of his lips twitched in discretion. He intended to drop by and ask Raven about something, but it seemed that the topic of his inquiry was standing right in front of him at this moment.

“What do you think I’m talking about? Clarke. Griffin.” ****Unbeknownst to herself, Octavia had stalked over to the agent, and pressed into Lincoln’s personal space. Her angry small eyes were burning holes through the mere barrier those sunglasses provided.

“Oh. I see.” 

“So? What the hell happened?” 

“She is safe, and her identity is protected. I suppose it is for the best that she doesn’t contact you at this moment. But it’s only temporary.” ****Lincoln spoke professionally, not giving away anything that could compromise the safety of a former police officer and a CIA appointed criminal informant. “I’ve personally overseen the process, you can rest assured.”

The brunette girl considered the agent’s words and studied him up close. And while doing that, her mind was wandering elsewhere. “ _Damn,”_ her eyes lingered on the man’s fabulous cheekbones, flawless ebony skin, and full lips, and curly eyelashes any girl would envy, _“what’s his name again? Lincoln? He’s… he’s really good looking… and fit. And hot.”_

A bit uncomfortable under the stare, Lincoln felt for the door frame, and held up a plastic bag in between their bodies, “Please, would you mind paging the leading lab technician? I need her take a look at this.”

Octavia, just then, remembered her very inappropriate behavior. She backed up and took the bag over, a brow creased, “what? You feds don’t own a lab?” ****While the man didn’t answer immediately, she eyed him again, and found a suspicious blush staining the perfect cheeks.

For a while, Lincoln seemed to have taken interest in his own leather shoes. They were spotless, just like his formal attire at all time. And after the brunette had placed his mysterious substance in a basket for later inspection, he then mustered up his courage to confess, “I was thinking… well, since it’s almost noon…” He nervously glanced at the clock, ten twenty in the morning, a bead of perspiration glided down the back of his muscular neck, _“god I’m terrible at this,”_ as he stuttered on, “maybe you wanna get a cup of coffee? My treat, for… your valuable time and much appreciated assistance.”

The widest grin stretched on Octavia’s face when she snatched off Raven’s protection goggles she had fit on her face. “You serious?” ****Her voice was childishly excited.

“Yes.” 

“That’s a terrible pick-up line.”

If it weren’t for his colored lenses, Lincoln was sure his eyes would bug out. The shade of red deepened immensely. 

Octavia decided not to tease him further for now. But oh this could be so fun. **_“_** Fine, I’ll get coffee with you, under one condition.”

Lincoln lifted a brow, everyone wanted to negotiate conditions with him these days. “And what is that?”

“You stop wearing sunglasses indoor.” ****Ignoring Lincoln’s dropped jaw, Octavia turned back to observe Raven’s culturing dishes that held intrinsic patterns.

 

Contrasting to the budding hesitant feelings and awkward conversations between the two in the police station, several blocks away, in an old small apartment, another couple had just settled in. 

Steam and vapor clouded the cold surface of the mirror, fighting off the last trace of the impending winter from the snugly decorated bathroom. How did the landlord squeeze a decent sized bathtub in the first place remained a wonder. 

Water dribbled from a sponge as pale hands squeezed it several times over the tub. A pair of gentle green eyes trained after the movement, and then fixed on the strand of blonde hair that escaped its confinement. 

“Is the water ok, baby?” ****Clarke whispered, and picked up her line of sight from the nasty bruise that still shadowed on one side of Lexa's ribcage.

Nodding, the brunette let out a satisfied sigh. Having been locked up in a hospital for a week had made her miss the prison’s shower hose. And a sponge bath? A sponge bath felt like some heaven she’d never get to. “It’s perfect.”

“And the stitches?” ****Though it was just a laparoscopic operation leaving barely any wound, and the doctor had given permission, Clarke still worried.

“All good.” ****Lexa smiled as she reached out to tuck the blonde hair back behind Clarke’s ear.

It tickled her, Clarke shivered when a warm finger traced the shell of her ear, and the clothe in her hand dropped on Lexa's chest. “Well, there goes my sponge, let’s wash your hair, ok?” 

“Mmm ‘k.” ****Purring, the brunette leaned closer to Clarke’s inviting arms. Some cool shampoo gel touched her damp locks and slim fingers followed, threading in the thick waves of brown mane.

Clarke let her hands run along the length of Lexa's hair, and massaged her scalp to make the woman moan. She smoothed out any knots in the curls, amazed at the strength in those pliable threads. When the brunette looked contented and refreshed, a hose was brought to rinse the foam away. 

Lexa squinted her eyes to watch the blonde put the shower head back on its hook. The front of Clarke’s shirt was soaked and underwear was on display. She felt tingles in her spine as a rush of desire return in between her legs. “Clarke?”

“Hmm?” 

“I really…want, to kiss you.” 

Sinking back to her knees beside the bathtub, the blonde rested her cheek against Lexa's arm that dangled on the side. She walked two fingers across the length of exposed skin, rounding some faded wounds long the way. Her eyes twinkled when they finally reached the brunette’s waiting lips. 

Without putting in much force, Lexa guided Clarke’s chin slightly toward herself. Her skin made some squeaky noise as it moved against the tile. She let Clarke lean in the rest of the way, and puckered her lips for a tender kiss. 

It had meant to be a peck on the mouth, but then it became more. Lips dancing, mouths opening, tongues caressing, the couple moaned at the same time. 

Clarke had to grasp a fistful of brown mane when she felt Lexa drinking her in, strong tongue sweeping the roof of her mouth, baiting her own slick muscle out and suckling on it. Her other hand took mind of its own, traveling into the water and bumping into the sponge she had abandoned earlier. 

“Hmmm… babe…” ****Her body was humming in response. Small ripples appeared around her hardening nipples when her breasts floated above the water surface. Lexa arched her back, so the bathing clothe would touch her, and ease off her wanton ache for a moment.

Clarke again, lost her sponge when the back of her hand encountered a soft mound. She cupped it, and rubbed the pebbled tip along lines of her palm. Under her hand, the brunette shivered. Clarke beamed a small smirk, and circled her arm around the slender woman. But as soon as the tip of her fingers grazed a ragged patch, her smile froze. 

The bullet wound, from Cage’s malice, a brutal reminder of the most dreadful day she ever lived through. 

“Clarke… it’s ok now.” ****Lexa stopped as well, her skin was tickled as Clarke buried her nose in the crook of her neck. She didn’t laugh, because it wasn’t the kind of thing they would look back someday and joke about it. The horror of dying, and the horror of Clarke witnessing it all, would always haunt her.

“I’m so sor—”

“Shh, stop, stop right there.” ****The brunette tightened her hold. “I won’t have it, ok? It’s not your fault, none of it was your fault. Life, that’s all it is. And I’m not blaming it either, coz it brought you back to me again and again.”

Clarke was quiet in the embrace. Her nose pressed against Lexa's pulse point and felt the vibration in her voice cord. 

“Dying wasn’t the scariest part. I was scared,” ****Lexa shared in a whisper, “only because I thought I’d never see you, never feel your touch again.”

“I’m touching you now.” ****Raking her fingers up and down the brunette’s side, Clarke brought her lips back to the woman’s throat, nipping and licking at a sensitive spot she knew Lexa would enjoy.

“Yes… yes please…” ****Lake green eyes slammed shut, and pink lips parted for a whimper to escape. Lexa felt her familiar sting amplify, which was not an unwelcome sensation.

The bubbles gathered around Lexa's stomach and obscured her view from her hand’s destination. But the blonde trusted her fingertips to do all the exploration, smoothing over a prominent hipbone, then pinching the flesh on the inside of Lexa's thigh, a very warm source close to her touch was beaconing at her. “Don’t move, ok? I know your side is still tender. Let me take care of you.”

Not entirely confident that she could hold still, Lexa bit her lower lip and nodded in anticipation. “Hurry, babe…”

“Have a little patience.” ****Clarke was taking her time to trace lightly at her lover’s sex, let a single digit tease in between those incredibly soft folds. Slick and hot liquid was coating her hand, and she could already imagine the slightly salty but delicious aftertaste it would leave on her tongue.

Squirming in the tub, Lexa snuck her own hand underwater, holding the lithe hand to apply some much needed pressure on her throbbing clit. “I’ve wanted this for a long time…” ****Her legs twitched and tensed when Clarke entered the first finger, thumb drawing circles just the way she liked. “To be rid of crime and duties, to breathe free air, to be loved like I am now.” Those words sounded breathy when pleasure hit her.

“I love you, Lexa.” ****Clarke struggled to add another finger, dragging her short nails on the walls that sucked and pushed at her hand. She found a rhythm under Lexa's guidance, threw dozens of purposeful thrusts and curled her digits upward. It wasn’t long till the brunette was reduced to a puddle and moaning for more. “Relax, baby, relax,” but her cooing only achieved the opposite. Soft flesh started to clench down, hugging her so deep and tight in the secretive canal. “It’s ok, love, just let go. Come for me.” ****She rolled her thumb a couple more times, and heard an unmistakable yelp.

The euphoric orgasm owned her for all thirty seconds. Lexa let herself ride it out, rise and fall with each spasm. Little tinctures of endorphin spurting in her brain and electricity running up and down her spine, any last bit of pain was took away by the tide. Her head fell back into the supportive hand, and her body went limp. “God I love you. I love you so much…” 

“I know.” ****Clarke held her lover the whole time. And after a few minutes, she pulled the plug to drain the tub. A giant fluffy towel came in handy when she dried the taller woman, and she led themselves back in the bedroom. A glance at the clock, seeing it was almost noon, Clarke chuckled at the exhausted brunette who started to drift off as soon as she snuggled in the comforter. “Babe, what do you want for lunch?”

“The greasiest Chicago hotdog.” ****Lexa blurted out, her mind cloudy she could only remember what Anya had said about missing the food outside prison.

 

And indeed, Anya missed street side hotdogs. She was stuffing her face with one when her luxurious limo drove pass a small diner, and she was doing a good job ignoring her uncle’s disgusted face. 

“Anya, you’ve become an absolute savage after spending time in prison.” Gustus scooted further away from his niece, and complained, “Your mother and I thought it would do you some good being locked up. We were clearly wrong.” 

“Gustu-I-was-doin-som-very-importan-things.” ****The younger Trikru mumbled with a mouthful of tomato, sausage and bread. She swallowed with some difficulty, and spoke again, “I saved more than one lives. You should be proud.”

“Yes, I heard about your heroic yet questionable act from Martha—marvelous woman, really. Why can’t you learn and gather your life like an adult? What are you going to do now that you owe me a significant amount of bail money?” 

“Don’t worry, uncle.” ****Anya smacked her lips with green eyes twinkling, “wow that’s some really nice dog. Thomas, stop the car.” ****And when the limo squealed to park at a curb, Anya pushed open the door and jumped out, snapping her finger at a girl in the back of the car, “come out, Echo, we’re buying that diner.”

“Anya?” ****Gustus shrieked after her.

“You’ll get your money back. And I got business to attend.” With a sway in her hips, and a brunette girl following her every step, the Asian heiress strolled down the street leaving not another word. The diner owner didn’t know at this point, but his little house would soon become one of those tourist attractions where celebrities visited often. 

 

Lexa didn’t get her greasy dog, because it was not in the category of comfort food recommended by the doctors, and Clarke was a diligent caretaker. She had nothing to complain though, when she woke up to a bowl of delicious smelling chicken noodle soup, with soft croissants and fresh fruits accompanying the plate. 

Clarke changed the dressing on the brunette’s nose. It offered her a little consolation to see the cartilage shift was corrected in a timely manner, and the raging red gash was starting to close. But thinking about the bloody scene she didn’t actually see, the blonde lost her appetite. So she had a quarter of a sandwich before taking a shower herself. When she returned, the woman was already plopped up in the small bed, and reading something on the internet. **_“_** Anything interesting you found?” 

“I was looking up for houses in west Hollywood.” ****Lexa closed the laptop and put it aside. Her new identity stated that she lived in California, which would be far enough from the midwest and convenient for the CIAs to check up on her every other month. “Figured if we need to move to Cali, better start off with somewhere fun.”

“Babe, I’m sorry to break this to you, they took away everything. And I just quit my average-paying job. We don’t exactly have the kind of money to buy houses around beverly VIPs.” Clarke went around the bed, and sat on the edge, checking the band aid on Lexa's nose. “Though my friend Octavia lives nearby, which is nice.” 

“Don’t worry about money, sweetie. I’m already looking for jobs, and…um, the small fortune my mother left me was never touched.” 

Clarke paused her hand above the brunette’s face when she heard the mention of Lucia. She carefully observed the neutral look on Lexa's face, and wondered if it triggered hurtful memories. “Lexa, we don’t have to use your inheritance if it… if you wish otherwise.” ****She couldn’t quite phrase her thoughts, so at last, she decided to tell her lover, “I heard about what happened. I’m sorry.”

Lexa, too, studied the blonde with caution, and then moved from the center to one side of the small double bed. “Come here,” ****she patted the spot and smoothed out wrinkles on the mattress.

Gingerly and suspiciously, Clarke climbed up after the motion. She gasped to be pulled into a strong arm. If that alone didn’t convince her that Lexa's shoulder had recovered back into full capacity, she should be when the sheer strength circled her even closer. With a lifted brow, she questioned silently. 

“It doesn’t hurt anymore.” She planted a kiss in between concerned sky blue eyes, and pressed the blonde head to lean back. 

Lexa smelled incredible, a mix of lotion and her own scent. Clarke nuzzled further, and found a comfortable place under a steep collarbone to rest her cheek against. “Do you…wanna talk about it?” 

“There’s nothing to talk about.” ****Her voice must have sounded raspy coming out of her chest, “it was the simple truth.” ****She hugged Clarke warningly, in an attempt to put an end to this discussion.

“Lexa—”

“Well what do you want me to say?”

This conversation wasn’t going very good. Clarke screwed her brows together. “I just want you to know that you can talk to me. I know your story, and I want you to be ok.” 

“I’ve been ok for a while now, it’s you, who do not seem to be ok, Clarke.” ****Her tone wasn’t harsh, but wasn’t exactly smily either.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” ****Was this going to be their first argument as a couple? Well if it was, the topic wasn’t something mundane or light that they could recover from quickly.

A long finger left the slender neck fro a moment, pointing to the night drawer beside them, and it returned to run across the inside of a pale arm. “You swept a needle and a bag in there earlier. You didn’t think I’d notice, but I did, and I know what I saw.” ****Clarke’s body went stiff in hers.

Of course she hadn't had a chance to destroy the evidence of her degradation in the apartment she hadn't been back to over a week, and of course Lexa saw it. Maybe she should pretend to have drifted off to sleep? But Clarke doubted it would be very convincing. Then she tried to sit up from the overly cozy embrace, figuring it wasn’t the best position to be in when they were having this particular discussion. However, her wiggling effort was completely overpowered by a persistent grip on her torso. Lexa didn’t let her go, even squeezing her harder that someone’s joint cracked. It settled her for a moment, fearing her lover was already in pain. 

There were minutes of silence that fell upon the couple. The only sounds were their pounding hearts and shallow breathing. Eventually, Lexa croaked out, a rustle in her voice, “I’m not mad at you, Clarke, I guess…I guess I’m scared.” 

“Of what?”

“That it’s an addiction too hard to fight. That my weakness caused all this.” ****She swallowed thickly, because of the genuine fear for drugs, because of her own struggle with it.

“It’s not an addiction.” 

“It’s not?” ****Lexa asked softly, her hand stroking the thin arm to offer warmth and support. She wanted an answer, to reassure herself that the love of her life would never be tortured like she had been.

“No.” It couldn’t be an addiction, she utterly hated herself for doing it. Clarke took a deep breath, becoming on the brink of tears. “I did it… because I couldn’t feel anything. When you were gone—I thought you were gone, it’s been nothing but devastating, agonizing guilt. But a person can only feel so much guilt before it completely numbs her soul.”

The answer didn’t comfort her. It shattered her heart. “Oh baby… I’m so sorry. I left because—”

“You protected me by that, I know. It’s not your fault, Lexa, it’s not your weakness. I was weak, and sometimes, I just couldn’t get through a day without feeling something…feeling you. I know it’s messed up, but—” ****Clarke’s voice broke.

“Shh… it’s ok, honey. I understand how you feel.” ****Lexa pressed a kiss on the crown of the blonde hair, and murmured against its silkiness. “I understand that… When my mother died, I felt exactly the same.”

Clarke chocked a little on her tears, she sniffled, and draped her arm around Lexa's neck. 

“I felt, that it was my fault, that somehow I could’ve stopped it, that I was the one who supposed to die under those wheels.”

Of course, if it was so hard for her, it must have been a thousand times harder for the young brunette, who had no one, no family, no job, no nothing. “I shouldn’t have brought it up, Lexa. I’m being insensitive and making it all about me.” 

“No, no, Clarke, look at me,” ****Lexa cooed, and pulled away to tilt the blonde’s chin up to her stare, her inside melted upon the sight of Clarke’s glassy eyes and tear stained face, “hey, look at me. I’m glad you brought it up, I am. You need to know, that I’ve dealt with it. I made some horrible choices, I failed, but I fought back harder, and I moved on.”

Those words were spoken with such ease, as if any of her endeavor had been just a bump and a lump. Clarke felt like she had underestimated Lexa's bravery. Lexa was made brave early in life, and continued to be shaped by the harsh reality. But it didn’t make her heartless, instead, it made her one hell of a woman that she was lucky to love. 

“I’m not broken, Clarke.” 

“I know, I’m sorry.” ****She wiped her face, and opened her mouth again, but any more of her apologies were muffled by a eager mouth.

Kissing, till her lips tingled by the bruising force, Lexa halted to breathe. “I’m not broken,” Then she leaned down again, to nip away Clarke’s moans, whispering with a smirk when she slyly trapped the blonde under her body, “because you fixed me.” 

“God that’s so cheesy.” ****Hearing the smug in her lover’s voice, Clarke chuckled through tears. Her back was sinking into the mattress, and her legs spread apart by a strong thigh intruding. ** _  
_** “Mmm, it is. But it’s also true.” ****Hands sneaking under the material of Clarke’s light shirt, Lexa was already flicking and pinching two tender nipples for her entertainment. Her mouth latched on the blonde’s throat, taking in the aroma of the woman she loved so deeply.

Clarke hissed when Lexa desirously exploited her body, and she couldn’t help but aided the process with wiggling out of her own pants. And once the clothes were all peeled off, the brunette was kissing and licking down rapidly from her chest to her hips. “Ssss… Lexa, Lexa Lexa Lexa.” ****She suddenly remembered a significant matter.

“Yes yes yes?” 

“Be careful, your nose…”

A coarse laughter rumbled off her chest, bringing goosebumps to areas of skin where her lips landed. “Then you better hold still.” ****She bared her teeth when she arrived at an angle for excellent sightseeing. Those naked legs were wide open before her own eyes, pale thighs flushing a shade of pink, and the apex in between was already glistening, swollen, and shivering.

“Ah! Fuck…” ****Clarke gripped at her pillow when the brunette flashed her canines at the inside of her thigh, leaving a possessive mark. Then she almost jolted up from the bed as a hot tongue swirled in on her, catching a glimpse of her swelling clit.

Lexa didn’t spare her any moment before dragging her skilled tongue up and down the moist slit, dipping in at the flexing entrance, and drinking up any wetness that dribbled out. She looped her arm from under the woman’s leg to hold her at her pubic bones, short blonde bush tickled her fingertips. With her other hand, she parted the pink folds gently, to reveal a part of the blonde that never ceased to amaze her. “Babe… you taste so good.” 

The ceiling started to crumble, and starts were shooting behind her eyelids. Clarke licked her lips, but her mouth had gone dry. She could already imagine, tasting herself off of Lexa's lips, and groaning that the image brought more hot liquid gurgling out of her body. 

If the sight wasn’t already a blood boiling invitation, the scent definitely dazzled her. Lexa hurriedly obeyed her lover’s unannounced request, burying her tongue back to work. She reached all the way in, then curling and nudging in every direction, then pulling out to tease the sensitive clit for a second. 

It brought different kinds of sensations for the quivering mess Clarke had become. She thrashed around, even under the restriction of Lexa's hold, and she hummed, heaved, whimpered, begged for release. And when it built up deep in her stomach, she was almost scared to let it explode, because it would have been a force as sweet as it was torturous. 

Finally, Lexa added her fingers, and concentrated her tongue to the single task, whipping at full speed on the reddened knob. Before she could throw in a dozen more thrusts, Clarke was coming with her thighs twitching, and pressing beside Lexa's ears. 

“Ahhh…” The blonde exhaled long until all the air in her lungs was evacuated. She jerked and jumped in accord with Lexa's lingering touches. She couldn’t tell if the hot mess in between her legs was her own rivulet or the brunette’s insatiable mouth, either way, it felt nice, soft, and warm to help her ease off that impossible high. 

Lexa didn’t waste a single drop, she flatted her tongue and glided up and down, gathering the mellow juice. And she held the taste there, as she rested with her head on Clarke’s thigh, stroking the creamy stomach, watching every rise and fall of the slender torso. Time was forgotten, when she submerged into this blissful moment.

“Baby…?” Hesitantly, the blonde asked, and threaded her hand in the silky waves, gently motioning the woman to return and kiss her. 

With her entire body humming in response to her lover’s, Lexa climbed up the length, and lapsed her body on top of Clarke. They shared a slow, sensual kiss, lips sliding, and tongues swirling. And before they surrendered to the ascending heated desire again, Lexa broke from the entwinement. “I can’t lose you,” she breathed into Clarke’s ear, “to anyone or anything.” The nearly undetectably shake in her voice was betraying. “Promise me.” 

Promise of what, Lexa didn’t say, but Clarke understood, loud and clear. “I promise.”

And then, Lexa felt like she could breathe again, like she had grasped onto a steady branch before falling and drowning. 

With one last peck on the mouth, the blonde shifted themselves slightly and leaned against the headboard, cuddling the brunette. It was a precious exchange, that Lexa gave herself into the hold, at the same time let down her unbreakable exterior. She stretched her arm to retrieve the laptop they abandoned on the nightstand. “So, did you find a nice house to your liking?”

The woman shrugged, and pulled up several tabs of real estate pages. She had been screening for good bargains, and narrowed her first round of research to a handful. 

“Hmm, these are all very nice. Good job, babe.” ****Clarke rewarded her lover with a hand rubbing on the stomach.

It made Lexa purr and wriggle like a giant cat. 

“I think, it might be a great idea to become neighbors with Octavia after all.” ****Clarke scrolled down the pages, admiring exotic flowers and palm trees in the photos. She had grown a little tired of Chicago winters, and moving to such a city with all the bright sunshine and sandy beaches seemed more than appealing. But it didn’t matter in the end, they could live in a town house, or they could live in an attic, she already found her home. A wishful sigh was her smile, “I can get used to this.”

“Yeah?” Lexa's eyes sparkled, her hand lacing with Clarke’s pale one on the keyboard. “Me too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A'ight folks, second to last chapter. 
> 
> I think I'm PMSing these days, feeling lazy and down. So I'm gonna watch some track and field games for the night!


	15. Daughter of Angels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years later...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In whatever multichapter story I write, I make sure to pay a tribute to a classic The L Word scene.   
> If you recognize the scene I recreated, congratulations! You've passed my ultimate lesbian test.   
> If you have never watched the most hated and loved television formatted Lesbian Bible, like wuuut? Are you even gay???   
> Jk, I'm just obsessed with TLW...

 

“Honey, I’m home.”

If five years ago, someone told her, she would be greeting a wonderful woman—not just any woman, the woman of her dreams—like this everyday, she’d laugh at their absurdity. But that seemed to be a previous lifetime, and she was just content with working a nine-to-five job, threading through traffic to come home, like any other ordinary person. Lexa stepped out of her shoes, and hung her jacket on the hook. A smile graced her slightly tired face when the savory smell of homemade stew welcomed her first. 

A muffled sound came from the dinning room, “hey, babe. Hope you don’t mind I kinda started dinner without you. I was starving.” Sounds of spoon meeting plate, and chair scratched on the floor. 

“No, not at all.” ****She rushed into her house, couldn’t wait to see her beautiful wife.

Then from behind the wall, revealed a woman chewing a mouthful of salad, her cheeks puffed like a hamster, and oily fingers held up in the air. 

The sight brought a pinch on her heart. “Aww, you look lovely tonight, my love.” Strolling over to the blonde, Lexa greeted her with a gentle peck on the mouth, then she bent down, rested her hand on the round belly, “and how was the little one today?”

It must be her voice that caused the small person in the womb to kick and turn. 

“Charming personality as always.” ****Clarke shrugged, she loved this child with her whole heart, but she could use a day off from all the hormonal mood swings and having to pee every hour.

“Hmm, I figured. Come, sweetie, let’s eat first.” She went around the table to pull out the seat for her pregnant wife attentively. Returning to her own chair, Lexa didn’t dig in immediately, she just watched as the blonde ate like she was at the greatest gourmet restaurant in town. Lately Clarke had been eating like this, and she found it the most adorable scene to observe. 

Finally appeasing her appetite, Clarke directed her attention to her smiling wife with the question she usually asked on dinner table, “how was work?” 

“The usual, another client asked me if I was ex-mil.” A grin plastered on her face. Lexa revisited her daily job as a supervising coach in a weapon training center sponsored by the Trikru foundation and managed by Anya. Her clients vary from ambitious young people looking for excitement in extreme sports, to movie stars studying for action scenes, to politicians and social elites cultivating a rather expensive hobby. A boring job, it was, verifying the clients’ permits, then proposing personally tailored plans of training. But she didn’t mind working with Anya, she’d take it over the head of security job at a supermarket any time. “I wonder how many would drop the deposit and never show up again if they knew their leading coach is actually an ex-crim.”

“You do look both.” ****Soft azure eyes twinkled in mischief, they rested on the fainted scar across Lexa's nose bridge. She hated it at first, but after some getting used to, and Lexa’s relentless jokes about how badass it looked, she eventually embraced it. Loving Lexa, she learned, it meant loving all of her, her past, her pain, her story. “They’d find it hot.”

Well this had been going on for a while. Clarke may not even notice herself, but ever since her third trimester, she had been increasingly flirty, and in these final few days of her pregnancy, Clarke was all over her. With a raised brow, Lexa gave her wife a seductive smirk, “Do you, find it hot?” 

“Mmm very.” ****Purring from the back of her throat, the blonde leaned forward to bring her badass “ex-crim” into a kiss. And it wasn’t like an innocent peck, it was a fully charged, sexually arousing kiss, all tongues and teeth.

Lexa could taste the vegetable salad from the woman’s mouth. When they separated, she was panting a little, her skin felt heated. Then she noticed that it wasn’t her heat, it came from Clarke’s crimson cheeks. And a thin layer of fog sheathed those sky blue pools. Uh-oh. “Aww babe, is this another hot flash?” 

“I’m literally a hormonal time bomb.” ****Clarke whined, and brought herself up, fanning her face, “a tad intimacy and I’m a human barbecue. This sucks.”

Lexa worriedly followed her wife into the bedroom, where the curtains were drawn and scented candle lights dancing on the nightstand. 

“Ugh, look at me, Lexa.” ****The blonde stood in front of the dresser and inspected her reflection, she’d rather Lexa didn’t look at her though. “I feel like a whale trapped on the beach.” ****She pulled a disgusted face at the balloon that resided in her belly, the extra fat around her hips and arms, and those enlarged, sore breasts.

“Hey, that’s my wife you’re calling a whale.” ****With a mocking grim face, Lexa stepped behind the gorgeous mother-to-be, rubbing both her hands at the bump. “Come on, baby, you’re beautiful.”

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better. I really can’t wait to push this little parasite out of me.” 

“And that’s my kid you’re talking about.” ****Warning, Lexa palmed her wife’s breasts and squeezed them gently. Her eyes widened at the incredible touch, they were so full in her hands.

Clarke pouted, but let herself enjoy the embrace. Lexa's scent, a mellow mix of perfume, leather, and sweat, enveloped her. She swallowed, and made eye contact with the brunette in the mirror. And she gasped to see the darkness in those wild green irises. 

Lexa was aroused, just by holding the woman’s voluptuous body. “God, baby you feel so good…” ****Her breath graced the back of Clarke’s ear, causing goosebumps to ripple on the glowing skin, and nipples to harden under her fingers.

It had been a while, ever since their one month countdown, Lexa banned herself from getting too handsy. But the ultimate remedy for Clarke’s hot flashes, had always been indulging her instincts a little. 

Not breaking eye contact, Lexa leaned forward and licked the blonde’s earlobe, sucking it into her mouth and holding the flesh in between her teeth. It earned her an intense quake from the pregnant woman. “Turn around for me.” Her voice was so raspy it almost sounded harsh, but her movement was careful. 

Clarke swallowed to see Lexa's eyes unabashedly taking her in. It was still an amazing feeling after years, to be objectified by her wife once in a while. She was sat on the brink of their spacious bed, and trusted her wife to take off her baggy pajamas. She felt hands on her everywhere, and after an impatient growl from the brunette, buttons from her top were sent flying in different directions. Her breasts pounced free in front of two eager eyes. 

Hunger rumbled in her stomach. Lexa hadn’t eaten yet, but whatever delicious stew was forgotten when she latched her mouth on a sumptuous breast. It tasted like cotton candy, but even sweeter as Clarke’s comfy scent penetrated her nostrils. “Hmmm… you know, I’m jealous. Some tiny little person gets to feast on these babies soon, and I’m gonna lose my privilege.” 

Even if Clarke had been upset about her own body, Lexa's impeccable dry humor made her giggle. Her hands combed through the mop of brown hair, and hauled the woman up for another kiss. “That tiny little person is your daughter.” She whispered against the brunette’s wet lips, “you’ll learn to share.”

A grudging growl vibrated in the athletic body. Lexa was like a overly excited child, couldn’t keep still at one place for long. She went back and forth in between the woman’s mouth and neck, then sliding downward. 

The silent praise from her wife made Clarke feel wanted, attractive, for the first time in weeks. And soon the flushing sensations streamed down to in between her thighs, where Lexa arrived at, and was unashamedly breathing her in. Her extra large underpants clung to the bottom of her center uncomfortably, and her hips canted upward at best to meed Lexa's grazing nose. “Oh…mmm fuck, babe.” 

“You’re so wet.” ****Voice filled with satisfaction and thicker desire, Lexa pushed the clothe aside to reveal a plater of delicious mess for her enjoyment. She ran her tongue along the dripping slit, tasting the strong scent, and a wicked smile returned to her face, “on the bright side, at least I won’t be sharing this.”

Clarke could only spare a chuckle before moaning loudly into the back of her hand. 

 

In another house just down the street, lived another couple who had been dating for quite some years. They moved here a year later than Lexa and Clarke. Octavia and her boyfriend, Lincoln, the FBI agent, had gone through some major difficulties in their relationship. After arguing about which city they should live in and who should move, and breaking up for half a year, they made up, and Lincoln submitted his own transfer application. And in an apartment not too far from their house, lived a little birdie. Raven, a happy-go-lucky laboratory technician, hadn’t been able to contain her curiosity at what Clarke had described to her, she must see LA for herself, and moved here after transferring to a local precinct in the city.

Right now, Octavia was ranting on and on about dating advices before a group of friends. 

The group of friends consisted Raven, red-faced, listening to some rather explicit details on cunnilingus; Lincoln, quietly watching her girlfriend with interest and smirking as he came up with one or two ideas; Jasper, visiting Lexa according to their regular schedule, and Maya, who was eyeing the tall guy next to her longingly. 

It was quite a bunch. And sometimes they all wonder how fate had brought people together in ridiculous situations, like the one they all agreed to never bring up again, for the sake of their safety. 

The only one missing from this gathering was Monty, nobody knew where he went “experiencing the moonlight and the tides” tonight, and it had become a normality for them. Jasper was secretly glad that his eccentric friend wasn’t here, otherwise, he’d be hearing a lot of subtle innuendos about his temptation to develop an “unethical” relationship with his fellow coworker. He was highly aware of Maya’s stares, and at certain weak moments, he’d almost grab the girl over and land a deep kiss on her mouth. Ten years, their flirting and testing and hurting and yearning had continued, and he was fucking tired of it. 

“Ugh, O, I get what you’re saying, you don’t have to go into details.” ****Raven buried her face in her hands and groaned, disrupting Octavia’s ramble, Lincoln’s fantasy, Maya’s hesitation and Jasper’s contemplation.

Sighing, Jasper put his mind back on the topic at hand, which was helping the technician with her new developed interest in a country club bartender, Harper. “Birdie, gotta ask her out.” 

“Yeah, like Goggles said, what’s to lose?” ****Octavia crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“You don’t understand, I’m a member of the club, and she’s their employee. I can’t just go up and say ‘hey you lesbian? wanna have sex?’” 

“Raven has a point. I think under these circumstances, it might be wise to figure out which team this little bartender plays on before taking her move.” ****Maya piped up.

Amused, Lincoln asked a follow up question, “and you propose we do this how?”

“We? Did you just say ‘we’?” Octavia practically jumped on her boyfriend, “oh my god! You finally joined in the squad. I’m so proud of you, babe! This totally requires a proper celebration.”

“I look forward to that.” ****Lincoln bit his lower lip and gave the girl a knowing glance.

“Hmm, I’m sure you’ll think of something.” Raven rolled her eyes at the couple who were grinning to each other, “back to me?” 

The group looked among themselves, no one coming up with an actual doable plan, until Maya pursed her lips and said, “Lexa.”

“Excuse you, we don’t need her to come up with an evil plan.” A little offended, Octavia tried to defend her intelligence. 

However, the rest of the bunch saw reason. If they were talking about some clever undercover strategy, to infiltrate and gather knowledge, Alexa Forest, previously known as Lexa Woods, would be the go-to person. 

Raven was obviously convinced, but she was a bit reluctant to bother her friend, “well, maybe I can ask her for help next time we see her?” 

“Then you’ve got a long time to wait, my friend.” ****Octavia pointed out, “Lexa's like a freaking weaver bird, all busy holing up with her precious egg. You wanna meet her, you gotta dig in the nest.” She gestured to the door.

Maya was quick to her feet, “yeah I kinda wanna see the egg. How far is Clarke?” 

“Should be in ten days.” ****Raven provided.

“Come on, let’s go!” ****The suddenly excited brunette led her “squad” towards the Forest household at the other side of the neighborhood.

 

Their destination, the house ten minutes walking distance from Octavia and Lincoln’s, sounded much quieter than it was moments ago. Occasional shrills receded into heavy moans, and then tuned down to regular breathing. Neither spoke, only sounds of candles burning and curtains flapping against the window screens. 

Clarke was on her back, body temperature had returned to normal, and all those raging hormones pacified for the time being. She glanced down, despite the large bump had obscured her sight from in between her legs, she was sure about the range of stain marks on their mattress. Lexa would have to sleep on it tonight, she mused.

Having yet to pull herself up from the session of intense anaerobic exercise, Lexa basked in the unique scent of their lovemaking. It covered her lips, her chin, her cheeks, her nose, even spilled on her tank top. But she was too lazy to organize herself. So there she lay, on her belly, in a rather strange angle in between her wife’s creamy thighs. 

With her hands massaging the brunette’s scalp in appreciation, Clarke felt a little bad, for contaminating her wife’s beautiful mane with her oily fingers, but not too bad. Minutes later, she smiled to hear small snores from the tired woman. “Babe?” She mussed the strand of curls under her palm. 

“Mmmm…yea?” 

“Come up here.” Clarke patted the bed on her side, “let me feel you.” 

Plopping herself up on her left arm, the brunette sheepishly retrieved her right hand from her dress pants. Three long fingers were coated in thick and sticky liquid. “I… might have taken the matter in my own hands.” 

Not hesitating for a second, the blonde captured the larger hand and brought it up to her mouth, licking up every drop of the juice. It splattered on her taste bud, its texture and aroma strong of the woman she loved. Greed was in her eyes when she swirled her tongue up and down the slim digit. 

Lexa gulped down tightly, her throat bobbed in fascination. Clarke made it look like the most delectable delicacy, and she was hungry. “Mmmm… save some for me.” 

“Come and get it.” ****Blue eyes hooded with lust, and spent passion, Clarke dared her wife to share the aftertaste.

And when their slightly swollen lips connected again for the countless time in the last hour, tongues melted in a mixture of their individual scent. 

Ding-dong. 

The couple stiffened in the middle of a tender and sensual make out session. Lake green eyes blinked in confusion, and then alertness. 

“Probably just a preacher.” ****Clarke purred to comfort. She curled in the contour of Lexa's arm, convincing her wife to ignore the interruption.

Suppose that made sense, no assassin would ring the doorbell. Lexa shrugged, and dove in to their kiss once again. 

The doorbell rang three more times, before the people outside gave up. 

“I missed you today.” ****Clarke’s voice was so sugary it seeped in Lexa's heart.

With a nibble on the slobbery tongue that continued to sugarcoat her senses, the brunette whispered back, “I love you, sweetie.” 

Just before they could exchange more loving words, a knock on their window startled the both. Lexa practically bounced in the air like a large feline. “Shh…” ****She motioned the pregnant woman to lie still, and approached the curtains in the shadow.

“Lexa? Clarke?”

A corner of the fabric lifted up, Lexa saw Raven standing on their patio, trying to peep inside. 

“I know you guys are home!” ****The woman’s voice was muffled.

“Fuck, Raven! You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack.” ****She opened up the curtain to make herself seen, not knowing how her hair and clothes looked. “What the hell? What’s everyone doing here?”

“Let us in! It’s an emergency.”

With a heavy sigh, Lexa nudged her chin in the direction of her front door, not very pleased with her friends intruding the intimate time. She made a beeline to their built-in bathroom, splashing water on her face, cleaning up the best she could. Then she brought Clarke her favorite kimono. “I’ll go deal with the jokers, k? You just rest, babe.” Leaving a peck on Clarke’s rosy cheek, she turned to answer the door. 

Five people poured into her house, and she could barely greet the last one before Raven wandered over to her living room, sniffing like a hound. “Whatcha having for dinner?” ****She invited herself for a taste, and smacked her lips when she noticed the stew had gone cold.

“Where’s Clarke?” ****Maya looked around for the friend she was hoping to see.

This reminded Octavia, “Well she’s the one with the belly, shouldn’t be too hard to find. Clarke? Clarkeyyyy??”   
Lexa was about to intervene, but the girl already barged in their bedroom, catching a flustered Clarke in bed who was desperately hugging the front of her gown close. 

“O!” Scooting further in the bed, Clarke grabbed her comforter to cover the evidence of their activity earlier. 

The reaction made the young brunette freeze in her track. Then lightening bolt glided in the back of her skull, the cold dinner, Lexa's rustled clothes, Clarke’s evasive eyes, and the obvious mess on their bed… _Holy shit!_ “What you guys been doing?” ****She blurted out. Then a strong arm threw her out by the collar, Lexa fuming, “Wait out here.”

“Wow! Sorry, guys! I didn’t know you were still getting it on.” ****Octavia said into her palm. Her face was red, not with embarrassment though, with the excitement of gaining another hot gossip on her friends. “The one in which Lexa almost killed me for walking in on Clarke half naked.” She already thought of the title for this legend.

When Lexa helped her lovely wife change and came out from the shrine of their secrecies, Octavia had certainly updated the bunch of the situation. Raven looked embarrassed, and Lincoln felt guilty for letting his girlfriend interrupt the couple’s time alone. While Jasper smiled genuinely with silent blessings, Maya looked on, envious, wondering if she would ever find someone like Clarke and Lexa found each other. 

The brunette held her wife’s hand, guided themselves to one side of the sofas, and placed a pillow to support Clarke’s sore back. Then she leaned on the armrest. Clarke naturally circled her waist, and nuzzled closer against her chest. 

“Awww,” Octavia quirked a brow at the scene, “you guys look so cute it’s disgusting.” 

“Just coz you and Lincoln are always quarreling doesn’t mean every couple should too.” ****Clarke stretched her legs and found her head a soft cushion on Lexa's chest. “What’s the emergency?”

“Oh, yeah, we need an evil scheme to test out whether birdie’s new crush is down with the ladies.” 

“And you thought of us because?” Lexa asked incredulously, couldn’t believe her evening was disrupted only to be forced in on a scheme. 

“Maya… believes that we could use your…expertise on this.” ****Raven sold out the Hispanic girl under pressure.

“Well, you were the cobra among vipers.” ****Octavia laid out her palm, then she looked over to Clarke, “and you are hell of a snake master to have tamed this one.” ****She was successful in getting the couple both roll their eyes at her.

“It’s kinda important coz our little bird is swooned. We need a foolproof plan.” ****Maya added.

Lincoln, who had been quietly thinking, finally spoke, “I might have something, but you guys should check it before we bring it into operation.” 

“Fine.” ****Lexa nodded, agreed out of appreciation for the respect Lincoln showed her. They were on good terms, though not without Clarke and Octavia going in between for quite some time. After all, the FBI agent almost threw her in prison. But she promised her wife to be nice.

Jasper volunteered to bring the couple into the situation, sharing what they had achieved so far. 

Good storytelling definitely piqued Lexa's interest. This might just be the most fun she had in a long time. “You know what, Raven, I’m gonna call Anya tomorrow and take a day off. We got this.” ****She entwined her fingers with Clarke, and the two shared a smile.

Hope rose on the young tech’s face. And Octavia was more than delighted, “oh my god you mean?” 

“I mean. We could use a little time outside the house anyway, right babe?” 

“Mmm, yeah, it’s been a little boring. I could definitely use some fresh air.” 

“So it’s settled.” ****Lexa announced their decision, “we’re going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intend of one Miss Harper Rainfield.”

Octavia clapped her hands like a child. She would like to go into some details before the big day, but Clarke nudged Lexa to stand up. 

**_“_** Now everybody out. We need to continue our dinner.” ****The pregnant woman declared, pointing to her door.

Raven lagged behind the group, quipped and winked to the brunette at last, “I bet by dinner she meant another round.” 

“Which doesn’t concern you either.” ****Lexa pushed the woman on her back and said goodnight to all her friends. But Raven’s insightful words brought a smirk on her face, she ran in, wolfed down some cold dinner, and stalked her wife back to bed. They spent the rest of their evening bathing together, and making out more, eventually cuddling to a restoring night of sleep.

 

The next day, their operation went as planned under the lead of a resourceful and tactical woman, until it was cut short when the little bug living inside Clarke decided she wanted to come out a week early. The group of ridiculous undercover agents blew their cover by herding around the blonde to escort her to the ambulance. But Raven had gotten her answer, Harper asked her out after the momentary chaos in the restaurant. 

And several days later, the same bunch, adding an ecstatic Anya flying back from HongKong upon hearing the news, and a curious Monty, gathered at the Forest household again, to welcome home a healthy little girl, Lexa and Clarke’s daughter. 

“So, did you think of a name?” ****The older blonde had bought plenty of soft stuffed animals and baby toys to bribe her favorite and only niece. The baby was too small to play with them, but it didn’t discourage Anya from getting a head-start at winning the little girl’s heart.

Octavia wiped the puddle of baby drool on her shoulder, and said naturally, “Ophelia, it’s a good one, or Olivia, something like that.” 

“I was thinking about Jordan.” ****Jasper immediately made his bid.

“Hey back off fatty, I’m the earth mother.”

“I like the name Anita.” ****Anya swooped in and whispered to Lexa when the other two were arguing.

Raven caught the interaction, “very original,” ****she rolled her eyes, “hey what about Ibis? It’s got a sweet sound to it.”

“Sure, give the kid a bird name. Name your own kid Ibis, a’ight.” ****Anya opposed immediately.

“Guys, guys, don’t you think it’s Lexa and Clarke’s decision what they want to name their daughter?” ****Maya jumped in to play referee. Lincoln nodded in agreement, still keeping out of the battle and sitting voiceless in the background.

Clarke observed her friends in amusement, then she looked down to the girl in her arms, who eagerly searched for lunch at her mother’s chest and latched on one breast happily. When the baby had consumed quite a lot, she kept on sucking at her mother. It caused Clarke a bit discomfort, her breast was sore, and her nipple ached from the relentless effort. 

Lexa was perceptive to the slightest change of expression, she came around and massaged the blonde hair, “you ok, love?”

“Um, yeah, could you get the bottle? It’s starting to hurt a little.” ****Clarke whispered.

A small wrinkle in between her brows was enough indicator of how much it worried her. If they could have done it all over again, Lexa would never let Clarke convince her to carry their first child. She would do anything to spare her all the pain. 

When the rubber nipple was brought to her mouth, the stubborn little girl refused to eat. 

“Alright, you little pirate, buffet’s closed for business,” ****with a gentle sweep, Lexa held her daughter up in her arms. She moved her hand up and down the baby’s back repeatedly to help her burp. Her voice was a bit berating, but her hands were careful. “Don’t hurt your mama, hmm? We love you so much, don’t hurt her, k?” ****She kissed the girl’s ear, and cooed her pleas. Her daughter babbled and gave her a big yawn in return. “Shhhhh… everybody,” she gestured the small crowd to quiet down, “sleepyhead is getting drowsy now.”

The bunch instantly abandoned their debate, circled around the couple to watch the baby curl in the safe haven of her mother’s arms and fall asleep. “You really got to give her a name instead of calling her pirate and sleepyhead.” ****Anya whispered beside the couple again.

Clarke just grinned, and placed a light kiss on her daughter’s fuzzy brown hair. She noticed Monty had been hesitant to approach the infant, as if the little baby had a self-destruct button hidden somewhere and would explode any given second. 

A sleeping baby looked less intimidating than a hungry, crying one. Monty mustered up his courage and put one finger on the chubby little hand. He awed in wonderment when the girl opened her big sky blue eyes again to look at him, grabbed on his finger, and stuffed it into her slobbery little mouth. “She is amazing, Lexa. It’s like…she’s an angel…”

The group went quiet at the comment. There was no doubt about that. An angel from the purest land, a holy spirit, innocent, untainted, free. A rush of tingles invaded her eyes, Lexa suddenly couldn’t believe this new life she held in her arms, so fragile, yet so strong, undoubting and trusting as she slumbered. The dark haired mother locked eyes with her wife, “Evangeline.”

A similar smile rippled on the blonde woman’s face, she nodded, “Evangeline. It’s perfect.”

Streaks of afternoon sunlight dribbled in from the gaps between curtains. They came from behind the two mothers, added a fairer color on their hair. Lexa and Clarke’s silhouette hovered protectively over their daughter, like shadow of wings. Anya blinked several times to absorb the picture. Raven sniffled a little. Octavia leaned her back against Lincoln who reciprocated the intimacy with silent promises. Jasper couldn’t help but held Maya’s gaze. Monty, his finger still claimed by little Evangeline, understood something. 

The past was not forgotten, Clarke and Lexa had been, always would be haunted by it, their struggles evident in scars and revisiting nightmares. But even once fallen, they would do anything to protect their little girl. Arms marked by battles and wars, and their own demons, became wings, to shield Evangeline from whatever evil in this world. And all of their friends, made silent promises to forever nurture, protect and take care of this much needed miracle. 

Evangeline might never know what her mothers had gone through, but it was not important anymore. What’s important, was that she would grow up knowing she had angels on her side. 

 

 

完 (The End/El Fin) 

 

Taking advice and ideas for more Clexa stories. Come be my friend on [Tumblr](http://asiangal-needs-a-pal.tumblr.com/) :) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a wrap!!   
> Thank you so much for all the kudos!   
> Tell me what you think, related to this story, my other series, or random things. 
> 
> I am so excited for the game tonight! Go Justin Gatlin! Go Usain Bolt!


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